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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave a man because of financial reasons

307 replies

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:27

(Apologies with how long this is, trying to sum it all up)

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.

He's funny, affectionate, social, good communication etc. I'm just struggling with the financial situation that is making me want to break it off.

So I'm 26 and he's 40. He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened.

He promised to pay towards rent, only did for less than 2 months. He was then asked to leave because he kept promising payment that never came.

Fast forward and we're still seeing each other, only it's nice to have my home back.

He then took my car over a toll bridge and didn't even have the £2.60 to come back over it again - I then got lumbard with the £60 fine. I kept asking for him to pay, he never did.

We went for a meal with his friends that he said he was paying for. I ended up having to foot the bill with him saying he'll pay me the next day as the money hasn't gone in his account or something, he never did.

He then promised he will pay for a set of nails in return for a big favour I did for him and nothing despite having asked since. This might sound trivial but it's the whole saying things and never going through with any of it.

He showed me where we were going to go on a family holiday (I have one child, he has two) - in the end his children's mum took them instead because she probably knows what he's like!!

He showed my parents this beautiful hotel he said he was going to take me to as my birthday treat back in July. Still waiting. Although before this he got me excited showing me a different trip up country and enjoyed telling everyone about it without delivering on it.
Heck, there's even a restaurant he said he will take me to for our first date.. still waiting.

I do feel he's got good intentions but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with a carrot dangling. He hasn't written any of these things off, it's still in the pipeline because they cost money. Fair enough I thought as I like him for him (clearly not his wallet!) but it doesn't stop me feeling let down and disheartened by it all.

I feel like I've spent the year of our relationship just waiting for things to happen. Coming to me excited about things and holidays only for nothing to ever materialise - I'd rather him just not mention it at all than get my hopes up.

Now he wants to book for us to go to a hotel for New Year's Eve. Of course I would love this but with him owing me money (and other people money), I'd feel more respected if he sends that back to me than keep splashing the cash. Honestly I think I'm going to feel rather resentful if I do accept the hotel offer before he has paid me back what I'm well overdue.

Do I just end things here? I have quite a list accumulating and I keep holding on for the best but not sure how much longer I can carry on.

YABU - you like him as a person and I should be more understanding over the current financial situation.

YANBU - it's not fair to feel consistently let down through empty promises.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2024 22:15

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 21:55

Yeah this is so true, I think I'm going to approach it from this angle. He's got qualities that I enjoy being around which is why I have been finding it hard to leave, but he's not the one to settle down with when his own life is up in the air.

I've just asked him when he's due back (as he is having to stay at his mums house!) so we can have a chat in person in a couple days. I need to rip the plaster off because I don't want to be bringing this into 2025 with me.

Show quote history

But asking when he's back means he'll come bounding in with the happy grin - and then you'll feel like you're kicking a puppy to dump him; he'll dodge that bullet, ask to borrow a few quid until he gets paid and then you're into the 'I've spent loads of money on you for Valentines' bollocks.

Make it cold and clinical. No guilt tripping possible that way.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2024 22:15

He’s a wastrel. Dump him.

titchy · 28/12/2024 22:17

Dear god just text him. If you do it face to face he'll promise you the earth, probably take you out for (cheap!) lunch to show you how he can change, book a big fancy restaurant next week, then something will come up...

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 28/12/2024 22:17

Oh god yes, lose this bludger. He should be in a better financial at 40.

CoffeeCatsandBooks · 28/12/2024 22:18

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:27

(Apologies with how long this is, trying to sum it all up)

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.

He's funny, affectionate, social, good communication etc. I'm just struggling with the financial situation that is making me want to break it off.

So I'm 26 and he's 40. He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened.

He promised to pay towards rent, only did for less than 2 months. He was then asked to leave because he kept promising payment that never came.

Fast forward and we're still seeing each other, only it's nice to have my home back.

He then took my car over a toll bridge and didn't even have the £2.60 to come back over it again - I then got lumbard with the £60 fine. I kept asking for him to pay, he never did.

We went for a meal with his friends that he said he was paying for. I ended up having to foot the bill with him saying he'll pay me the next day as the money hasn't gone in his account or something, he never did.

He then promised he will pay for a set of nails in return for a big favour I did for him and nothing despite having asked since. This might sound trivial but it's the whole saying things and never going through with any of it.

He showed me where we were going to go on a family holiday (I have one child, he has two) - in the end his children's mum took them instead because she probably knows what he's like!!

He showed my parents this beautiful hotel he said he was going to take me to as my birthday treat back in July. Still waiting. Although before this he got me excited showing me a different trip up country and enjoyed telling everyone about it without delivering on it.
Heck, there's even a restaurant he said he will take me to for our first date.. still waiting.

I do feel he's got good intentions but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with a carrot dangling. He hasn't written any of these things off, it's still in the pipeline because they cost money. Fair enough I thought as I like him for him (clearly not his wallet!) but it doesn't stop me feeling let down and disheartened by it all.

I feel like I've spent the year of our relationship just waiting for things to happen. Coming to me excited about things and holidays only for nothing to ever materialise - I'd rather him just not mention it at all than get my hopes up.

Now he wants to book for us to go to a hotel for New Year's Eve. Of course I would love this but with him owing me money (and other people money), I'd feel more respected if he sends that back to me than keep splashing the cash. Honestly I think I'm going to feel rather resentful if I do accept the hotel offer before he has paid me back what I'm well overdue.

Do I just end things here? I have quite a list accumulating and I keep holding on for the best but not sure how much longer I can carry on.

YABU - you like him as a person and I should be more understanding over the current financial situation.

YANBU - it's not fair to feel consistently let down through empty promises.

@Whatwouldyoudo26 LEAVE HIM!! I was with a man like him for over 10 years. In the beginning I was like you “he is a nice fella, and blablabla…. I need to be more understandin”. Little by little he wore me down! Finally ended it a year ago, after having therapy!. He left me with some of his debts, that Im still repaying. He is deeply in debt, and despite being in a very good paying job he will never pay anything back! Leave him! He will not change and he will bring you down with him!!

You are worth more than him xx

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/12/2024 22:18

You don't need to see him in person so you can dump him in a polite conversation. He's lying and disrespectful towards you.

Snapncrackle · 28/12/2024 22:19

Your 26. Your young and you have youth

why the fuck are you with some broke ass 40 year old cocklodger

this 40 year old broke ass loser should be fucking kissing your feet that a 26 year old woman wants to spend even 60 seconds with him

are you totally desperate for a bloke that this useless idiot is worth keeping because that’s what your doing your basically paying for a useless boyfriend

add up what he’s cost you so far
thats money you could have spent on your child or on yourself

you have wasted a whole year 365 days of your life that you will never ever get back

don’t waste the next year doing the same shit and don’t whatever you do get married ( if you own your own house ) or have a baby / don’t subject a another poor child to a useless father

Jamlighter · 28/12/2024 22:19

dump

blueshoes · 28/12/2024 22:21

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 21:55

Yeah this is so true, I think I'm going to approach it from this angle. He's got qualities that I enjoy being around which is why I have been finding it hard to leave, but he's not the one to settle down with when his own life is up in the air.

I've just asked him when he's due back (as he is having to stay at his mums house!) so we can have a chat in person in a couple days. I need to rip the plaster off because I don't want to be bringing this into 2025 with me.

Show quote history

Great plan, OP.

Feel the anger and toss the blood-sucking cocklodger and con artist out of your house and your and dc's life.

Haroldwilson · 28/12/2024 22:21

It's not about money, it's about trust and reliability. He promises things he can't deliver. He's not a man to be relied upon.

Plenty of people are on low incomes and manage relationships by eg cooking a nice meal instead of restaurant, go for a walk instead of something expensive, etc etc.

If you were in your 40s I'd say see if you can be in a relationship without any financial links at all, but you're in your 20s. Sack the saggy ballsack off.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 28/12/2024 22:21

@Whatwouldyoudo26 never underestimate the importance of financial compatibility in a relationship.

If you're not on the same page either accept he will always sponge off your move on.

Be ready for the empty promise where he'll tell you he will pay you back next week if you don't leave him...

I bet he split with his ex for the same reason!

Actually a friend of mine had very similar. Great guy but hopeless with money. They stayed together (and still together with 2 kids now!) but ONLY on the basis that she was in control of both their finances. He's still not great with money but he transfers money to her the day he is paid which covers his share of bills and then his car insurance plus some for family stuff. What's left in his account he can spend. He actually doesn't mind it as he openly admits he is crap with money.

Motorina · 28/12/2024 22:24

Right now he’s saying “I want to go to that fancy hotel for New Year. You’re paying.” That’s annoying when it’s discretionary spending. Imagine how much worse it’ll be when it’s nappies, or a school trip, or rent… So things where you have no choice but to bail him out.

Run a million miles from this one. You’re still in the honeymoon phase and this is as good as it will ever be. You deserve better.

PixelatedLunchbox · 28/12/2024 22:25

Read your first eight paragraphs. Didn't need to read the rest. Have you lost your mind OP?? Why would you stay with someone who is 40 years old and still isn't even coming close to having their sh-t together. Don't you want an equal partner in life? Not a freeloader?

SomethingElse73 · 28/12/2024 22:25

Moooooove on.

BusyPoster · 28/12/2024 22:27

Bin him
You are 26
You could be with anyone.

arcticpandas · 28/12/2024 22:27

I thought this was going to be a rant about a man not earning enough but this! Why didn't you put a stop to to this a long time ago? Lesson learnt (expensive) I hope. Talk is cheap and that's what he is : a leeching cheapskate, a parasite, cocklodger. Get rid of asap! Well, tell him you want to be reimbursed first.

Normallynumb · 28/12/2024 22:28

Hell no YANBU
Words are cheap, it's actions that count
It couldn't be more obvious he is taking advantage of you and I would dump him right now
Every penny youspend on this leech is money you should be spending on your DC

TheGander · 28/12/2024 22:31

There is no future in this relationship. I earn more than my husband, and what’s more have more savings, inheritance etc. I have had to make it very clear I am not carrying the finances single handedly though and he has always worked and contributed to the childcare so I’ve made my peace with it. Not paying a £2.60 toll though is ridiculous and a big warning bell. Heck even a kid would be able to pay that out of their pocket money.

TattoedLady · 28/12/2024 22:31

You're too young for this shit. Leave this one in 2024. Tell him it's not working anymore and also how much he owes you (knowing, of course, that you'll never get it back).

NameChanges123 · 28/12/2024 22:35

Yes, just end it.

BettyBardMacDonald · 28/12/2024 22:37

Good lord, why would you waste one minute of your precious life on this freeloading loser?

Dump him and do the Freedom Programme asap.

TheyCantBurnUsAll · 28/12/2024 22:41

I dont advice thé nicely nicely approach to ending it. You need to be clear this is the end not his last chance to try harder and win you back

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2024 22:42

"So I'm 26 and he's 40. He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened."

This is as far into the OP as I got without thinking 'cocklodger, get rid'. Nothing written after changed my mind.

MyNewCat · 28/12/2024 22:42

@Whatwouldyoudo26 I wouldn’t meet him in person, he will try to manipulate you into not breaking up. I would do it by phone & then immediately block him Does he still have a set of your keys?

If so, get them back without meeting him, if you can.

My feeling is that he knows how to charm you (he’s been doing it quite successfully for a year) & he’ll try & talk you round, so just take the talking out of the equation.

You deserve so much better - good luck!

TopshopCropTop · 28/12/2024 22:42

As my mum always says, nobody falls in love quicker or harder than a man needing somewhere to live.

you are being used by this freeloading waste of space. Get rid and get your dignity back.