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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave a man because of financial reasons

307 replies

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:27

(Apologies with how long this is, trying to sum it all up)

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.

He's funny, affectionate, social, good communication etc. I'm just struggling with the financial situation that is making me want to break it off.

So I'm 26 and he's 40. He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened.

He promised to pay towards rent, only did for less than 2 months. He was then asked to leave because he kept promising payment that never came.

Fast forward and we're still seeing each other, only it's nice to have my home back.

He then took my car over a toll bridge and didn't even have the £2.60 to come back over it again - I then got lumbard with the £60 fine. I kept asking for him to pay, he never did.

We went for a meal with his friends that he said he was paying for. I ended up having to foot the bill with him saying he'll pay me the next day as the money hasn't gone in his account or something, he never did.

He then promised he will pay for a set of nails in return for a big favour I did for him and nothing despite having asked since. This might sound trivial but it's the whole saying things and never going through with any of it.

He showed me where we were going to go on a family holiday (I have one child, he has two) - in the end his children's mum took them instead because she probably knows what he's like!!

He showed my parents this beautiful hotel he said he was going to take me to as my birthday treat back in July. Still waiting. Although before this he got me excited showing me a different trip up country and enjoyed telling everyone about it without delivering on it.
Heck, there's even a restaurant he said he will take me to for our first date.. still waiting.

I do feel he's got good intentions but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with a carrot dangling. He hasn't written any of these things off, it's still in the pipeline because they cost money. Fair enough I thought as I like him for him (clearly not his wallet!) but it doesn't stop me feeling let down and disheartened by it all.

I feel like I've spent the year of our relationship just waiting for things to happen. Coming to me excited about things and holidays only for nothing to ever materialise - I'd rather him just not mention it at all than get my hopes up.

Now he wants to book for us to go to a hotel for New Year's Eve. Of course I would love this but with him owing me money (and other people money), I'd feel more respected if he sends that back to me than keep splashing the cash. Honestly I think I'm going to feel rather resentful if I do accept the hotel offer before he has paid me back what I'm well overdue.

Do I just end things here? I have quite a list accumulating and I keep holding on for the best but not sure how much longer I can carry on.

YABU - you like him as a person and I should be more understanding over the current financial situation.

YANBU - it's not fair to feel consistently let down through empty promises.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/12/2024 21:49

He's a failed cocklodger still helping himself to your finances.

A simple 'It's not working and I'm done with your false promises and lies' followed by blocking will suffice.

johnyhadasister · 28/12/2024 21:49

So old, scumbag, cock lodge - you deserve much better

category12 · 28/12/2024 21:51

He's basically taking money you'd have been better spending on your dc.

The £60 fine could have been uniform, groceries, school trip, cinema, savings, something constructive for your kid. Instead it's down the drain of his thoughtlessness and selfishness.

Fuck him off.

LavenderViolets · 28/12/2024 21:51

Chuck the freeloading cocklodger out!

CandyCane457 · 28/12/2024 21:51

This must be a tough decision when there are so many things about him that you do like, and aside from this you have a good relationship.

But this isn’t a nice way to live! You shouldn’t have to put up with this. I don’t know why but for me, the worst of all those situations you gave was the toll one! That’s SO disrespectful that HE couldn’t be bothered paying £2.60 (when you say he didn’t have it, do you mean literally didn’t in his bank account? As you don’t need cash for this do you, he could’ve paid on card! And if he didn’t have £2.60 in his bank account then that’s a terrible sign), so YOU ended up forking out £60! And you’ve asked to be reimbursed and he hasn’t… no no no. I think that’s abysmal.

I do think this relationship would be best odd ending. I wouldn’t end it without proper explanation though, I suggest sitting down and saying to him along the lines of “I really like you and we’ve had a great time but I can’t carry on the way we have been financially, you’ve…” and go on to list a load of these reasons you’ve given us. See what he says. Tell him if he gives you why he owes you and is willing to change immediately, you’re happy to pursue the relationship. But put him on the spot and say if he isn’t prepared to do this, or this isn’t something he thinks he can do, then it’s over.

RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 28/12/2024 21:53

He doesn’t respect you. A one off anyone could write off but not what you’ve said

ReadyforSpringNow · 28/12/2024 21:54

He's a scammer. Read very similar stories so often.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 21:55

HoundsOfHelfire · 28/12/2024 21:46

Just be honest with him. You like him and find him fun, great company but you can’t tolerate his disorganisation and disrespect with cash, the lack of rent and paying the bridge fine, the promised special occasions that never materialise.

Yeah this is so true, I think I'm going to approach it from this angle. He's got qualities that I enjoy being around which is why I have been finding it hard to leave, but he's not the one to settle down with when his own life is up in the air.

I've just asked him when he's due back (as he is having to stay at his mums house!) so we can have a chat in person in a couple days. I need to rip the plaster off because I don't want to be bringing this into 2025 with me.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 28/12/2024 21:57

He might ask you to marry him. Please put you and child first - he’s a loser and a user of your cash.

Bogeyes · 28/12/2024 21:58

He's a lying scrounger. Get rid

AngryLikeHades · 28/12/2024 21:59

He's a silly excuse of a man. The fact that he isn't taking responsibility for his own actions alone would annoy me, but the money and the empty promises would piss me off too.
My mum used to do that with me: make grand gestures and alot of the time not deliver. Not cool.

Mnetcurious · 28/12/2024 22:02

Get rid!

Horses7 · 28/12/2024 22:03

Oh dear you already really know the answer to this one - please get a grip and dump the scrounger.

gillefc82 · 28/12/2024 22:03

Get rid!

I haven’t read other replies, so you may already have received some good advice on how to break things off but IMO it can be as simple as saying to him “whilst you wish him well, there seems to be some fundamental differences in your respective attitudes to finances and fairness when in a romantic relationship. You reasonably expect there to be quid pro quo / a reciprocal approach in terms of any acts of kindness/generosity and yet, a year in, you’ve seen none of this forthcoming from him, so you think it’s the right thing for both of you to call it a day and find partners who are more aligned.”

Or you could just tell the waster that this just isn’t working for you so you’re breaking things of?

Reddog1 · 28/12/2024 22:03

If you’re gonna be with an older fella at least make sure he has some coin. What’s the point otherwise? At your age, you can pull 25 year olds and even if they’re skint they’ll still be hot. 🤷‍♀️

Allthebookszerofucks · 28/12/2024 22:04

What 40 year old doesn't have £2.60?? This alone is reason to leave him and focus on yourself and your child. If you stay you will be subsidising his life forever, hopefully you move into 2025 without him, you deserve so much better

Wonderi · 28/12/2024 22:05

He’s using you!!

Why can’t you see that and why are you acting like such a mug.

He moved in because you let him.
He took your car because you let him.
Why are you acting like you had no choice in the situation.

Actions speak louder than words and so why are you relying on his words and not his actions, when he’s proven time and time again that he’s a liar.

He literally promises you stuff to keep you hanging on.
He must be laughing at you.
All he has to do is say he’ll buy you X and you’ll happily do anything he wants.

If you want your nails done, then pay for them yourself.
If he starts showing you holidays, tell him to pay you back the money he owes you first.

He is a liar and a user.
Anyone is better than this.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2024 22:06

@Whatwouldyoudo26

Why do you need to see him? Genuine question and not snark? Surely a phone call would suffice?

Plastictrees · 28/12/2024 22:09

Yup, throw this one back OP. Do not waste any more precious time on him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/12/2024 22:09

He's getting all these 'treats' on your dime, OP. Nice life for him. Not so much for you.

I would end it, it never ever will change.

steff13 · 28/12/2024 22:10

How is this even a question?

Pinkissmart · 28/12/2024 22:10

Donkeyfromshrek · 28/12/2024 20:33

Its not the financial situation that is the issue. Its the fact that you can't trust a word that he says.

This. He’s a big ol’ liar

Wheresthebeach · 28/12/2024 22:10

Cocklodges usually are charming- it’s how they get away with helping themselves to your money.

Dump and don’t listen to a thing he says. He’ll bleed you dry

Greengrasswalks · 28/12/2024 22:13

You know what to do. He sounds like a scam artist.
He’s 40!? He’s too old or an idiot to not have access to £2.60 to pay for the toll bridge payment.
Dump him yesterday or this disappointment and chaos will continue to be your life going forward.

Out of curiosity, what does he do for a living?
He’s clearly bad at managing his finances and/or has huge debts. Either way, this is not your problem. Next!

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/12/2024 22:13

You have a child and moved this man into your home when you had been dating for how many months? Get rid of him, he's far too old to be relying on his charm and other people bailing him out. You are taking money you should be spending on your child, to pay for him.

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