DM ranting and raving doing my head in - how to cope!!

[YourPunnyCat]

Hi MN long time lurker first time poster.

My AIBU is: am I being impatient or is my DM out of order?

Currently living at home for financial reasons (I am a mid 20s mature student), but I am seriously struggling to cope over the Xmas period. I have really important exams in January and I am just so on edge with DM’s incessant ranting! I have had three hours this morning of her foul mood, she has been non stop swearing and ranting about X/Y/Z her DH (my dad) has done, absolutely nothing I say is helping. This is fairly normal behaviour from her but after more than 20 years living with this I’ve had enough!!!!

DM normally works FT from home and I cannot even enter her office to ask her if she wants a cup of tea when she is working without her biting my head off for example. She’s been off over Christmas and she is absolutely doing my head in.

Yet she is constantly interrupting me both accidentally with her shouting about eg state of the house (nothing I’ve done, I’m tidy she acknowledges this) and deliberately (doing nice things like making me food etc that I haven’t asked for which is lovely but I’m a grown adult and would prefer to be undisturbed and make my own lunch when I’m ready!!).

Her marriage to my DF is in pieces and has been for ten years. I am generally sympathetic but after every single day of the same complaints whilst I am genuinely really busy, it is seriously grating on me. I am struggling to bite my tongue with her at the moment.

I do so much stuff around the house to make her life easier, going to shops for her, driving her around (she’s recently developed anxiety which is making things worse). She doesn’t want to go and see friends despite invites, and I think her being FT working from home is isolating her. These are things I’ve expressed to her multiple times but it’s never well received.

How can I support her while also not driving myself insane?? If you were my DM who’s in her mid fifties, what would you want me as a DD to suggest/do to help? I do try but I’m struggling at the moment.

Thank you, I look forward to reading suggestions ❤️

In the short term - find a library / cafe and get yourself out of the house as much as possible.

Next step - pass those exams and get yourself out of there. There are rental schemes where you can rent a room from someone who needs a bit of help / social support so the rent is a bit cheaper. Library may be a good place to ask about local schemes.

Sorry - should have said - don't even try to 'support' her. That's not up to you to play therapist to your Mum, especially living along side her.

The only practical thing I could suggest is to agree ahead of time if she would like a coffee whilst she's working, rather than risk an interruption.

You can't do anything for her. The only person you can help is yourself, by getting the fuck out of there as soon as humanly possible.

Hi, thanks for the reply! I live rurally so getting out would involve 20 mins drive each way which IMHO would be a massive waste of time, plus all my stuff is at home that I need for studying!! But thank you!!🙏🏻
I am also not looking to move out before buying a house for myself to live in (alone!). If I am having to live with housemates I’d rather stay put. I am very fortunate that my parents don’t charge me rent. But thank you for the suggestions it is helpful!

Thanks both, I am more wondering how I can be a more supportive daughter to her. I’m not prioritising leaving home for several reasons (history of domestic abuse and alcoholism in my family). Until I can buy somewhere, moving out is not a feasible option. I think I am wondering more how I can support her through this god awful excuse of a marriage!

I think I am wondering more how I can support her through this god awful excuse of a marriage

You can't. Because she doesn't actually want to help herself and because it's wildly inappropriate to use your DD as a support in your divorce from her DF.

Honestly, every single post you make shows more clearly why you need to move out. You're isolated, enmeshed, your relationship with your DM is really not healthy. You need to be living away from these people where you might have a chance of forming healthy other relationships.

Buy some noise cancelling headphones if you can. My DD has them and can never hear me even when I'm next to her! Don't have any other helpful advice I'm afraid but hope it gets better soon and you can move out!

Headphones? Stay out the way and maybe start early while she's still asleep. Go for a walk in your lunch break. Don't go out of your way to do stuff but obviously continue to keep house tidy etc

I have NC headphones they are great! But a lot of the time I cannot distinguish whether she is talking to me or just generally talking (she is one of those people who talks to herself quite a lot). So it’s actually more distracting in a way as I have to remove them whenever I hear any kind of noise!! But they are brilliant I do recommend them.

Noise cancelling headphones and a bolt on your door.
Plus a little heads up to your mum that you are going into extreme studying mode and will be shutting yourself away until after your exams. Not to be disturbed while you are in your room.
And also, seriously, plan a long afternoon studying out of the house at least once a week, for your own sanity. Might be twenty minutes to get there but once you are set up, no disturbances.
You can't do more to help her right now if she won't help herself, beyond being there for her when you aren't studying.

Cross posted. Operate on the assumption that she is not talking to you, because you are studying and not to be interrupted!

How much rent you paying currently ? If it's below market value this may irk over time.

You can't help your Mum. She doesn't want help. She wants drama and angst which give her a dopamine fix

If you need to live at home to save up for your own home, grey rock DM

If you feed her drama and dopamine addiction, your enmeshment will simply add to the drama

Don't get involved

This is not your issue to fix. Just keep out of her way with your door shut.

You mentioned the age of your mum could it be that she’s suffering with her menopause? I know people say that might be an excuse but honestly I can imagine some women can get really angry at that point in time. It’s not helpful for yourself but maybe try to get her when she’s calm and talk to her about it

Is your Mum menopausal because the things you mention can be symptoms? Rage and anxiety are 2 of them. Many people don't even realise what is causing these problems.

Move out, your mum is probably struggling with menopause, in an unhappy marriage, a stressful job and still feeling responsible for an adult child under her roof.

I agree

It's not your job to manage her and agree you need to get out asap. Do not risk doing badly in your exams over this

What does she say when you ask what you can do to help her?

It's possible she has no idea what will help either and she's actually mad at herself, which can be really stressful and frustrating

I am also not looking to move out before buying a house for myself to live in (alone!). If I am having to live with housemates I’d rather stay put. I am very fortunate that my parents don’t charge me rent. But thank you for the suggestions it is helpful!

It's clearly not that bad if you'd rather stay put than pay rent live with housemates.

I am sure that from your perspective it is a good option, to live at home.

But perhaps it's not such a good option from your mother's perspective.

It's probably about time your relationship moved onto a new stage. I think that would be difficult to do if you are still living at home.

I totally get buying a property is your main priority but actually you will get invaluable experience and probably meet a lot of friends and have some fun by getting out on your own.
This sounds like such an unhealthy relationship you have and I really cant see it changing unless you make a big change. It doesnt sound like anyone is happy

Do you actually want to hear your Dad being moaned about for hours?
This is enmeshed behaviour and isn't actually very healthy.
I'd suggest you probably need to put in some boundaries rather than look to support her further. She needs to build better coping mechanisms than offloading onto you. Perpetual rumination isn't going to help her.

Everyone who has told me to just move out! Neither me nor my mum want that, it’s not feasible for an absolute plethora of reasons!!
I posted on here to get this off my chest, and see if anybody could help me help my mum without also going insane myself. So sarky replies “it’s not that bad if you’re staying” “stress of an adult child under her roof” are absolutely unfounded. I am not a typical MN boomerang “child”, I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old. I just don’t have any money!
thanks for your unwarranted opinions on my relationship with my DM!

And also; I know hundreds of people my own age who I see often, have a lovely boyfriend who I’m looking to buy with in a few years! Hence I’m not going off to a random social housing flat share!!

Thank you to those who have offered reasonable advice and opinions.

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