DM ranting and raving doing my head in - how to cope!!

[YourPunnyCat]

Hi MN long time lurker first time poster.

My AIBU is: am I being impatient or is my DM out of order?

Currently living at home for financial reasons (I am a mid 20s mature student), but I am seriously struggling to cope over the Xmas period. I have really important exams in January and I am just so on edge with DM’s incessant ranting! I have had three hours this morning of her foul mood, she has been non stop swearing and ranting about X/Y/Z her DH (my dad) has done, absolutely nothing I say is helping. This is fairly normal behaviour from her but after more than 20 years living with this I’ve had enough!!!!

DM normally works FT from home and I cannot even enter her office to ask her if she wants a cup of tea when she is working without her biting my head off for example. She’s been off over Christmas and she is absolutely doing my head in.

Yet she is constantly interrupting me both accidentally with her shouting about eg state of the house (nothing I’ve done, I’m tidy she acknowledges this) and deliberately (doing nice things like making me food etc that I haven’t asked for which is lovely but I’m a grown adult and would prefer to be undisturbed and make my own lunch when I’m ready!!).

Her marriage to my DF is in pieces and has been for ten years. I am generally sympathetic but after every single day of the same complaints whilst I am genuinely really busy, it is seriously grating on me. I am struggling to bite my tongue with her at the moment.

I do so much stuff around the house to make her life easier, going to shops for her, driving her around (she’s recently developed anxiety which is making things worse). She doesn’t want to go and see friends despite invites, and I think her being FT working from home is isolating her. These are things I’ve expressed to her multiple times but it’s never well received.

How can I support her while also not driving myself insane?? If you were my DM who’s in her mid fifties, what would you want me as a DD to suggest/do to help? I do try but I’m struggling at the moment.

Thank you, I look forward to reading suggestions ❤️

Did we have all the information about alcohol and domestic abuse in the OP to realise there was more going on? And as I said in my post whatever else is going menopause can make it so much worse - difficult as it is to drag yourself out of a toxic co-dependant violent relationship is at the best of times it is nigh impossible if suffering anxiety, difficulty regulating, brain fog etc that can come with menopause

What are you studying, OP and do you graduate? Ideally you need to be working and saving for a deposit to buy your own place.

My mum had similar rants but I lived with her until I was 30, by which I had saved a healthy deposit to buy a house. Like you, I didn’t want a house share or rental.

I hope you can make the stability of your emotional self and the preparation for your exams your 100% priority over the next few days,

Do not get drawn into any drama, actively step away and pivot your finite time, headspace and emotional energy to the activity which will determine the progress in your life and do not redirect and piss it away on the futile toxic stuck cycle of daily, weekly, monthly dramas that have been your DMs choices for decades.

Do that for yourself because it doesnt look like anyone else is supporting you right now - only sabotaging your efforts.

Menopausal 50 year old mum here who has husband issues! You’re a good daughter by what you’re trying to do. Your mum needs a bit of love from you maybe some one-one time the two of you away from home? Afternoon tea? Spa day to get away and have a chat. Sit her down to tell her what you’re feeling. My daughter is mid teens and I see my enmeshing her in my drama so your post was a good wake up call. Your mum could well be menopausal which will be hard for her - the anxiety and rage is real. You need to set boundaries though so you can study and not be her sounding board. No need to move out and run away as most are suggesting but you must set boundaries. You’ve been the rock since age 9 - that’s not good for you. Your mum needs an outlet and probably HRT (or equivalent) and her marriage needs work or divorce. You need to untangle yourself a bit whilst not disowning your mum I think. I hope you can get your studies done and you’re a loving daughter trying to help xxx

Not sure if anyone has already mentioned this as I haven't read through the thread, but could it be menopause? I have been going through an early menopause for several years and before I started HRT I really struggled with my temper. I would rant at the kids (couldn't stop myself), and then I'd feel really awful about it. As for anxiety, it has been absolutely debilitating and has made me isolate myself from friends, family and the rest of the world.

I know you said that some of this is normal behaviour for her, but in my experience, as well as introducing new symptoms into the mix, menopause also magnifies existing ones. She is at that age so it may be worth considering and offering some support and understanding with it, if it is that. I think people often really underestimate the impact menopause can have.

Get yourself out of there, as soon as you can.

This won’t be welcome news OP but you are probably making the situation worse, not better. Your parents need the space to work out their issues together, a third wheel is not helpful. I’ve been in the position of having an adult child back in the home and however much you love them, it changes the dynamics considerably.

It sounds as though you want to live in their house with all the freedom of independent living. However, you aren’t living in a cooperative, it’s your parents’ home. Either you fall into their routines, eg sharing meals, keeping similar hours, contributing to the household in whatever way your DM wants, or you move out and leave them to it.

Another one saying that’s not your job or responsibility, why do you think it is? She’s an adult , she manages her own relationships or if she needs to confide in someone she speaks to another adult not her child. I speak from bitter experience!

you can’t make her happy you aren’t responsible for another adults feelings.

google enmeshment.

I completely agree. Your living situation is not healthy for any of you. A 20-minute drive is absolutely nothing! Get out of the house. Sounds like you all need a break from each other. It doesn't matter how tidy a houseguest is, sometimes just knowing they're there is an irritation.

Reread this, OP. It's spot-on.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. If anything it sounds like you are trying to study and keep the peace. You sound like you have had to grow up fast in your household and taken on a lot of responsibility.

Why not turn the situation around by saying you want to study but want to help too. Suggest you and mum start at the same time in the morning and agree a break time for half an hour at 11 am, and say to her you can both have a good moan about the morning. Then say you will take it in turns to make lunch each day at 1 pm. Tell her this routine will greatly help you get into study mode and not suggest she is the issue. Alcohol issues are hard to deal with, and it is often difficult to determine what the mood will be like. Perhaps do some evening study so you don't end up in the middle of anything.

Why are you disturbing her to offer tea but also complaining she disturbs you with similar offers?
It's time to move out and leave your parents in peace.

Hello. If I were the daughter of a ranting mother, I'd kindly suggest to her that she contacts her GP. This could be saying that you don't think she's happy, she appears to be more stressed than usual, she's not her usual self. You'd like her to be able to relax etc. You could consider buying her St John's wort. Haz she said why she doesn't want to go anywhere she's invited? Could you go with her once or twice? Perhaps suggest an activity that you'd both enjoy for an hour or so each week. Swimming. Walking. Dance class. This would let you chat outside of the house. If your mum has always been like this, then you can't change anything. Another option would be asking her what she'd like to change in her life, if she could? Then perhaps she would say she'd like to be independent (of your father) That's a different road to go down. If she's truly unhappy, then a fresh perspective and a new start is what's needed. As things are, you can't, and mustn't, be everything to everyone. Tell her that you need to be shut away without interruptions. Tell her that includes lunch. We're often stuck in a parent and child relationship that needs to change to be equal. Try and build a different relationship with her and then small steps will lead to big changes. If she's resistant to all your suggestions, then I'm sorry to say that you can't help. I think the gentle approach would work, but needs to be consistent. Good luck.

Amazon sells ''Do Not Disturb'' signs. Buy a large one and stick it in your door. Lock said door.
Buy ear plugs.
Tell mother to ''BE QUIET'' and ''GO AWAY''.
You cannot solve her problems or make her ''happy''.
She may be just a ranter.
Get her strong tranquilisers or antidepressants from doctor.

I'm afraid that I'm in a similar position as your dm (no alcohol issues) and at the time it does seem a lesser evil to stay than leave. We are divorced but exdh is still living in the marital home as is dd3 who is in year 12. My wonderful db died last March and he has left me a couple of hundred thousand so I'm looking to buy exdh out. As he refuses to talk about it and continually calls me names it is very difficult. Obviously my 4dc have been damaged by our relationship but none of them feel like they have to be the rock!
I'm thinking of going to the CAB for advice on exdh. Perhaps they could help your mum.

Hi @Abbyk1980 - I'm sorry, this does seem really tricky! Especially with the difficult marriage which I'm sure you've seen a lot of and must have given you a lot of history with your mum which is hard for outsiders to understand (slightly similar situation here). Is there any chance of sitting down with your mum to talk about all of this? Sorry if you've already said. Otherwise what someone else said about saying 'I'm in extreme studying mode - please don't disturb, I love you' (I'd have to add that last bit for my mum I think). My mum also goes into ranty mode (she was in emotionally and financially controlling marriage with my dad for ages so I think in some ways is catching up from that maybe?!) which I find a bit tiring, but I think I do it too.

I don't get the posts saying it's not your job to manage your job - this is a daughter who wants to support her mum, don't we all?? Totally understand and want to do the same for mine even when she annoys me a bit. It's concerning that she doesn't want to see friends and the isolation is undoubtedly not helping any of this or her own wellbeing. Do you know why this is? Has she been to therapy?

You sound like a great daughter and I'm sure you just being there is helping her - maybe it's just a phase and she just has stuff to get off her chest. Good luck with this and your big exams.

With all this as a consideration - you’re basically going to have to deal with it.

Avoid her as much as possible and pick quiet times to study.

You plan to live there until you can buy a property?
And you don't pay rent.
With respect, it can't be that bad, as you're obviously going to be there for years longer!

Don't feed her ranting. Head phones on and just use the grey rock technique.

When she is in a calmer moment, talk ti her about how this makes you feel or write her a letter with your thoughts and what you would like. I.E. to make your own lunch, to have peace between 9-12 for example. She needs to respect your boundaries but will not do this If you don't tell her. If you have already told her and she ignores your boundaries then this is abusive.

Go to a library to do your work.