DM ranting and raving doing my head in - how to cope!!

[YourPunnyCat]

Hi MN long time lurker first time poster.

My AIBU is: am I being impatient or is my DM out of order?

Currently living at home for financial reasons (I am a mid 20s mature student), but I am seriously struggling to cope over the Xmas period. I have really important exams in January and I am just so on edge with DM’s incessant ranting! I have had three hours this morning of her foul mood, she has been non stop swearing and ranting about X/Y/Z her DH (my dad) has done, absolutely nothing I say is helping. This is fairly normal behaviour from her but after more than 20 years living with this I’ve had enough!!!!

DM normally works FT from home and I cannot even enter her office to ask her if she wants a cup of tea when she is working without her biting my head off for example. She’s been off over Christmas and she is absolutely doing my head in.

Yet she is constantly interrupting me both accidentally with her shouting about eg state of the house (nothing I’ve done, I’m tidy she acknowledges this) and deliberately (doing nice things like making me food etc that I haven’t asked for which is lovely but I’m a grown adult and would prefer to be undisturbed and make my own lunch when I’m ready!!).

Her marriage to my DF is in pieces and has been for ten years. I am generally sympathetic but after every single day of the same complaints whilst I am genuinely really busy, it is seriously grating on me. I am struggling to bite my tongue with her at the moment.

I do so much stuff around the house to make her life easier, going to shops for her, driving her around (she’s recently developed anxiety which is making things worse). She doesn’t want to go and see friends despite invites, and I think her being FT working from home is isolating her. These are things I’ve expressed to her multiple times but it’s never well received.

How can I support her while also not driving myself insane?? If you were my DM who’s in her mid fifties, what would you want me as a DD to suggest/do to help? I do try but I’m struggling at the moment.

Thank you, I look forward to reading suggestions ❤️

When I was this age and my mum was that age I remember her screaming the house down. It was bloody awful.

That post is really quite revealing, OP.

It's really inappropriate for a 9 yr old to be the rock of a family.

Your DM doesn't need support, she needs a divorce from your DF. The more she has you to 'support' her, the longer she can avoid addressing her own issues.

Revealing of what sorry?

Maybe just leave her alone whilst shes working and then ask her to do the same with you?
It's not clear if she's actually disturbing your studying- just go to your room, shut door, put on NC headphones. Are you trying to study in communal areas?
20 minutes to be out of the house for the day is not much at all- could you pick 2 days a week when you go out to give her some space and time to decompress?

She sounds very stressed and potentially depressed, maybe ask if there's anything you can do without her needing to tell you that will lighten her load.

What is your dad doing that'd so problematic? Why haven't they divorced?

Also could she be menopausal and in need of some HRT?

Ok I'm roughly your Mums age & you're the age my gid daughter was when she was last living with me.

how do you get on with your Dad, is he ok, or does he really need to step up?

I think when your Mum is working or you are studying you need to agree on some ground rules. Do either of you want to asked if you want a drink/lunch pronouns to be left alone? If you want to be left alone, NO whinging about the other person not making you drinks/lunch.

are you trying to study in a communal area? Sounds like it. Can you not study in your room with your door closed??

can you not plan a time to do something together at a certain time each day? Play a game or watch a program, go for a walk, cook together? Just so there's a time she knows she'll get to talk to you??

hold back on the 'advice' & chirpy positive 'lifes great' stuff. Accept your outlook on life changes as you get older & some 20something being all 'blah blah I know better' can be very patronising.

I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old

...that is so very wrong. Seriously, OP, do you hear yourself? Your family of origin are doing bad things to your emotional health and will continue to for as long as you live with them.

It sounds like the struggling marriage / bad behaviour from your dad (no offence obviously) is underpinning her attitude and resilience. Maybe her job is stressful as well, who knows. I would try to suggest something for the marriage like counselling, IDAS service, or divorce options, or confronting dad about some of the behaviours he does. Pick whichever seems the most appropriate of the above. Good luck.

History of domestic abuse? Are you staying to protect your mum? That way lies madness.

Edit - and it won't be any different at home just because you've saved a house deposit so...

It reveals you have a parentification relationship with your Mum. Instead of her being the adult and you being the child, you have assumed responsibility for ensuring the happiness of the adults.

It's in your posts now where you are of an age to leave home, are geographically isolated, the environment at home is miserable due to your parents but the only solution you are prepared to consider is you working harder to support your parents.

Oh OP there is a Lot there for both you and your mum to deal with..... Is your dad abusive? Is there good reason for her to be ranting at/about him for her hours, or is it her own emotional regulation that's the issue? It does sound like whatever is going on menopause could have worsened matters given her moods and developing anxiety. Would she see a GP for a chat?
In the short term stay out of her office, and get noise cancelling headphones

"I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old. I just don’t have any money!
thanks for your unwarranted opinions on my relationship with my DM!"

Sort out your finances and be a rock for yourself.

@AnnaMagnani has it OP. Learn it now or learn it in 1/5/10/20/30 years.

You can get your arse handed to you on Mumsnet but it's always very much well-meaning, honest and astutely observed arse-handing!

You've said she doesn't like being interrupted when she's working when you offer to make her a tea which is a nice thing to do but then you've said you don't like being interrupted when she offers to make you food which is a nice thing to do. You both need to respect each other's preferences.

Do you have a WhatsApp group. Set one up for just you and her and WhatsApp her and ask if she wants a tea, she can't bite your head off then. Ask her to do the same regarding making you food. It takes the urgency out of responding

You're a lovely daughter trying to help your mum , depending on mums age could she possibly be in peri menopause ?
I was very much the same as your mum , I felt uncontrollable anger and rage about absolutely nothing and the closest person copped it .
Your mum really doesn't mean it and probably when she's in her right mind because if it's peri then she's not she will feel absolutely awful .
Does your mum have a sister or friend that you could talk about this with that may be able to help ?
I do think that your mum needs to speak to someone as she's obviously very unhappy and you as lovely as you are can't fix her .
Sending big hugs to you both 😊

You mention a history of alcoholism in your family, OP. I think you might find the answer to some of your troubles in the Al Anon programme. You can attend meetings online if there aren’t any local to you.

Yes, sorry to drip feed but @MILLYmo0se you're pretty much spot on. Alcohol issues more on dad than her but both have an unhealthy relationship with it. History of DA throughout late childhood early teens. That has since subsided since DF had a good kicking from me at about 15 (not promoting violence but he is lots bigger than DM and me but I am well built lol). DM has a stressful job for her but IMHO it isn’t really that stressful, it is hardly life and death - she seriously lacks the ability to regulate and I suspect she is neurodivergent (as am I).
As a teen I never left the house as the DA was so bad I liked to be around in the evenings. She can’t leave him again for financial reasons, we have pets and she couldn’t afford to buy anywhere else. They have their own personal reasons for staying married but again, it is beyond me but life is more complicated at 55 than 25!! He has taken a lot of the equity from the house and she has had no choice but to sign to agree to this. She is scared of him. But she equally doesn’t help herself. I’m conflicted about the whole situation to be honest. Thanks for your understanding!

Is your mum getting any help with menopause? Lots of the things you list could easily be attributed to the menopause and could also be the cause of the marriage deterioration. Snapping at everyone, short tempered, forgetting you're working and interrupting etc...

I remember having to walk on eggshells around my mum when she was in her 50s...

I'd suggest a visit to the GP for her.

Oh dear what a mess. I know you are kind of stuck in an emotional sense because you fear how things will go if you leave, but at the v least would you consider counselling for yourself? You need some support to, you can't carry the whole shitshow on your shoulders, and see if your mam would talk to a GP, maybe she d go for counselling if she s sees you going?
Ideally yes you d move out and build your own life, but you aren't at the point where you can see yourself doing that yet, but getting some space and support to sort your own head out would help in both the short and long term

You are inadvertently enabling and facilitating your DM to stay in this atrocious situation of subs abuse and DV.

You are trying to make it comfortable when she is at the end of her tether.

You are a parentified child and your loyalties to your DM are misplaced (should be to yourself) and are seemingly exacerbating anf prolonging an intolerable sitaution for you all.

Money isnt everything (saving to buy) - invest in both of your emotional health first with space and recovery and the finances will come later.

She needs to hit her rock bottom to take action - currently you are preventing her hitting that as you are trying to be a safety net / cushion. Both of yours MH will continue to detriorate in this set up and the burden can only negtatively impact your physical health, relationships, education / career / work opportunities.

Detach with love.

I am a DM of a DD around your age and situation.
I'm going to give you suggestions how to help your DM as you've asked, but first I think it's important your interests are also looked after.

The relationship has to change, your DM has to see you as a fully formed adult and respect your time, space and energy.
Show your DM that she is not responsible for you, she doesn't have to worry about you on top of everything else.

This might look clinical but what works for us is living fairly independently in the same house.

My DD has clearly stated her needs regarding study/WFH hours and I know to leave her alone in those times, and she does the same for me when I'm WFH.
I don't knock on her door, I don't speak to her more than a polite greeting if I see her in the kitchen, I don't text or call her.

Meals are similar, we work,sleep and eat at different times to each other so we mostly makes our own meals although sometimes I will make something for her and leave it in the fridge for her to heat up when she's ready.

I think you need to have an arrangement like this with your parents, without these kind of boundaries you aren't going to be able to sustain helping your DM.

I think it might be helpful to your DM to have pre arranged outings with you where she can rant, talk, chat, whatever, so a walk, coffee in a cafe, half day out to a gallery etc
It gives her time she knows you will be available, you're both out of the house and you can give her your full focus for that time to help her solve whatever issues are pressing.

Ask her to get back to you when she's thought about what she needs/wants you to help with, and then arrange do it together.

I completely understand moving out is not an option, we are in the same situation and I was initially overwhelmed thinking I had a child back home, but seeing her as an independent adult instead of my child has really made a difference.

Sorry I've just seen this update and my last reply is really missing the mark. My suggestions are barely going to touch the sides.
I get that you want to make life better for your DM but it's not your responsibility, it's not your job.

The best thing you can do is support her to get help from CAB, women's aid, therapy etc and start untangling all the seemingly insurmountable problems so she can leave.

How about, when the time is right, trying to establish some healthy boundaries and rules between yourselves about how you live together? Discussed in a friendly, practical way.

I ask this as I live with my adult DS, who is not as easy to live with as you sound, but we are both cognisant of each other's space and privacy and it works really well.
The other option is that you ask for peace for a certain period while studying e.g. I need to get my head down, can you give me space for the rest of the day. That way you can hold your DM to account when she bothers or interrupts you.

Having pretty well lived this unfortunately there's really not much more you can do to support DM in situ until/unless something forces her hand or she has an epiphany.

Short of that moving out and letting them get on with it is about all you can do for your own sanity and to perhaps force the issue to a head. But I understand why you're reluctant to do this.