DM ranting and raving doing my head in - how to cope!!

[YourPunnyCat]

Hi MN long time lurker first time poster.

My AIBU is: am I being impatient or is my DM out of order?

Currently living at home for financial reasons (I am a mid 20s mature student), but I am seriously struggling to cope over the Xmas period. I have really important exams in January and I am just so on edge with DM’s incessant ranting! I have had three hours this morning of her foul mood, she has been non stop swearing and ranting about X/Y/Z her DH (my dad) has done, absolutely nothing I say is helping. This is fairly normal behaviour from her but after more than 20 years living with this I’ve had enough!!!!

DM normally works FT from home and I cannot even enter her office to ask her if she wants a cup of tea when she is working without her biting my head off for example. She’s been off over Christmas and she is absolutely doing my head in.

Yet she is constantly interrupting me both accidentally with her shouting about eg state of the house (nothing I’ve done, I’m tidy she acknowledges this) and deliberately (doing nice things like making me food etc that I haven’t asked for which is lovely but I’m a grown adult and would prefer to be undisturbed and make my own lunch when I’m ready!!).

Her marriage to my DF is in pieces and has been for ten years. I am generally sympathetic but after every single day of the same complaints whilst I am genuinely really busy, it is seriously grating on me. I am struggling to bite my tongue with her at the moment.

I do so much stuff around the house to make her life easier, going to shops for her, driving her around (she’s recently developed anxiety which is making things worse). She doesn’t want to go and see friends despite invites, and I think her being FT working from home is isolating her. These are things I’ve expressed to her multiple times but it’s never well received.

How can I support her while also not driving myself insane?? If you were my DM who’s in her mid fifties, what would you want me as a DD to suggest/do to help? I do try but I’m struggling at the moment.

Thank you, I look forward to reading suggestions ❤️

I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old.

Is this a self-appointed title or have your parents put this on you? Either way it’s extremely unhealthy.

IMO you should get out of there, financial plans or not. Sometimes you can’t have everything.

If you’re still adamant in staying, then make yourself scarce when your DM starts ranting. It’s the only way they’ll eventually get it. Ranting, venting and whining are habits and the more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.

I have the opposite problem, my DD has decided to study from home but she’s both very messy/all over the place and has a tendency to moan about everything. Initially I suspected your DM was frustrated about you being at home but if you’re sure that’s not the case, then just put some distance between you two.

Just read your most recent post.

You have been the victim of child abuse.

Look at the NSPCC website which states that a child witnessing domestic abuse is experiencing child abuse.

BOTH of your parents had a responsibilty to protect you from this situation and remove you from it. Neither did this - they have BOTH failed you.

You will have experienced cPTSD and your emotional development will have been stunted and compromised.

Your DM has lent on you from 9 years old (maybe thats all you can remember?) and caused you to become enmeshed and co-dependent with her. She is also emotionally abusing you currently and there are no healthy boundaries being displayed or held.

They are both addicts whos issues and ruminations are stuck in a deteriorating 24hr loop. Both of their physical health will soon collapse - sounds like MH has already eroded.

You will likley soon be their carers.

Get yourself out. Save yourself. You cannot save these two.

You have so much repair to do for yourself. Seek professional help.

sounds like you are and have taken on a lot in the family for many years, it must be hard.

Is it worth encouraging your dm to have a gp appointment to check and see if there is anything that can help her menopause and also a blood test to see if there is anything else underlying?

No 9 y/o should be the rock of the family. You have been parentified.

Now that you are an adult, your mum probably realises sub-consciously that a big part of the reason you are staying is because you feel obliged to be there to protect her. But that's not a healthy dynamic, nor is it appropriate. You are enmeshed. You cannot be her saviour - she is an adult and ultimately it's up to her to decide whether to stay or go.

What happens when you have saved up a house deposit - are you really going to feel able to leave? Is she really going to feel able to let you walk away, knowing that you are the balancing piece in this toxic marriage? And what happens if you stay for a bit longer and a bit longer after that - when does your life begin?

I am also not looking to move out before buying a house for myself to live in (alone!). If I am having to live with housemates I’d rather stay put. I am very fortunate that my parents don’t charge me rent.

Perhaps the prospect of a mid-20s child not planning to move out of their house for years is stressing them out? It may suit you financially to stay there but consider the fact that maybe they need some space?

What happens when you have saved up a house deposit - are you really going to feel able to leave?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - both parents have long term problematic relationship with alcohol. Thats why they are both stuck and barely functional (now unable to cope with job / financial issues).

They will both get ill and probs lose their jobs, house and health.

The OP will then likely continue the unhealthy, unboundaried, parentified, enmeshed, co-dep relationship with her DM and take in in to her new home with her BF in the crisis.....and then her own hard earned career and relationship will fall apart at the seams.

Excellent from @Onlycoffee

Op : How do I help my Mum?

All MN: you can't

Op: I don't like that answer - how do I help my mum?

You need to do your uni work elsewhere--library, cafe, etc.

As for supporting your dm emotionally--that is NOT your job nor is it your place. You come from an extremely dysfunctional family. No child should be made to be the "rock" ever, especially not at age 9. BOTH of your parents have done you a tremendous disservice by putting you into that position, and my best advice is stay out of their marital problems, stop "supporting" either one of them, because whatever you do will never be enough, and get away from them as soon as you can. Putting you in the middle of their crap marriage and making you feel that you were the force holding the family together was so, so wrong and damaging to you, and BOTH of your parents are guilty.

Interesting how so many posters say that a woman who has experienced domestic abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse and control at the hands of an alcoholic has to be at the mercy of perimenopause.

OP, you do need to move out as you cannot be her protector. Adopting a bullish attitude does not do anything other than perhaps keeps this just not quite bad enough for her to leave.

Everybody else blaming her mother's ageing ovaries for everything and not the awful relationship/man - really?

I moved back in with my parents after a relationship breakdown. They were kind initially, but my mother became increasingly unpleasant and it became obvious she wanted me to move out. She was absolutely vile by the end. I felt stuck as I couldn't afford to live alone. By the end I was suicidal.

I met my partner. We had next to nothing and slept on a mattress on the floor in a cheap bedsit in the worst part of a city, but I was a thousand times happier. She now has my 50 year old brother living with her and his son and they're all tickety boo.

I think the time has come to find somewhere else to hang your hat and she's trying to let you know that. If that's the case, things will continue on a downward trajectory and she'll become more and more resentful, and with it, nastier.

You’re making excuses when you should take some action. Gather your stuff daily and find somewhere to study - a library or cafe.
Forget your plan to buy a house - just move into a house share and live your own life; there’s no need for you to engage with other people’s relationship problems when you’re supposed to be studying. Your mum sounds really difficult and it’s just not your problem.
If you do well in your studies and get a good job then you can focus on buying a home.

Op, my DB had MH problems and when he acted up he wouldn't listen to my DPs, only to me, so I felt I had to stay and intervene for them. I lived at home for far too long before moving out with my partner, and my DPs managed OK, no distressed calls for help, they learnt to manage him themselves. You're doing what I did, you're staying as family mediator but in all honesty your presence means they don't learn to manage alone, your DM isn't looking for outside help and both of them drink too much.

Oh OP, this is a mess and almost textbook for the child of a dysfunctional family with addictions. I'm so sorry you've ended up feeling responsible for the safety of your mum. Please read up about parentification and about being the adult child of alcoholic parents - I think a lot will resonate for you. It's going to take you a long long time to even begin to unhook from this horrible, sticky family dynamic and I wish you all the strength and luck in the world.

Have you ever lived away from home?

You shouldn't be the 'rock' or the 'glue' or anything else in your parent's marriage

If you can afford it, get to a counsellor who will help you see through all this

I agree. Also add the mothers own problematic relationship with alcohol.

All of this over decades it seems has eroded her agency.

She may need HRT - but she needs much more fundamental issues addressed first.

The OP has also been the victim of all of the above directly and indirectly and this will have taken its emotional toll and eroded or warped her sense of self. OP you are not a rock - you are a sponge for this toxicity. You are not strong as you think - you will have emotional deficits that you cant yet see. This is not a criticism of you but no CHILD can come through your experience unscathed. I say this as someone who has walked this path.

Have a look at the following:

https://adultchildren.org/
https://adultchildren.org/free-literature-english-translated/

https://coda.org/
https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

https://napac.org.uk/

How do you think your Mum would react if you spoke openly about how you feel like you have on this post?

Have you always lived at home?

I recently did a course for work (I work with young children) which outlined this theme and new outlook. It was an eye opener. I appreciate the links, thank you.

On the other side of this, I seriously worry about the harm of pushing this narrative onto women who are in DV situations. For example my mother did everything possible to shield me from the situation, and sacrificed her career and entire life for myself and siblings. I think for women in domestic abuse settings and more severe cases than mine, this new narrative of witnessing DV being child abuse is going to be incredibly harmful when many women in these situations feel as if they are staying for the children.

Thank you so much for your insight! I hadn’t ever considered myself a victim and don’t think I will ever consider myself that way, but it is really positive that children in these situations as mine was in the 2000s are now being recognised, despite my worries about mental heath of the mother in the abusive situation.

But she didn't leave though - that's the elephant in the room. And I know there are many, many reasons why women in abusive relationships find it difficult to break away. But the ultimate way of protecting you from witnessing and getting drawn into it, would have been to leave. Instead, she's allowed you, at age 9, to step in and act as a shield for her. And consequently in your mid-20s you are still shielding her now.

As a perimenopausal 54y old, I would never treat my young adult kids like this. I respect my kids’ need for privacy and peace. But also expect them to play a part in managing household tasks. And it works overall. We are lucky to have a safe and loving household.

The whole atmosphere for you sounds unhealthy. I am so sorry about your life experience to date. At some point, therapy may be helpful. You were not allowed to be a child.

I wish you could move out. I would just try and lead a separate life to your mum if you can.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
― Maya Angelou

I think its important that everyone is aware of the impact of subs abuse, DV on the long term MH of DC into adulthood.

Your DM probs didnt know this - she maybe thought she was keeping the family togtehr and this was the best thing.

A bit like you see your contribution now.

I dont blame the uninformed or the victims.

But education is important so we can all make informed choices.

Awareness ... Acceptance ... Agency

my mother did everything possible to shield me from the situation, and sacrificed her career and entire life for myself and siblings

Except leave. The truth is that she hasn't shielded you from the situation. She's parentified you, she's used you totally inappropriately as a crutch, she's enmeshed you with her and with the problems between your parents. She's used you to enable her to stay, in fact. And she still is.

For example my mother did everything possible to shield me from the situation, and sacrificed her career and entire life for myself and siblings.

• can you see that you are repeating the cycle?

I think for women in domestic abuse settings and more severe cases than mine, this new narrative of witnessing DV being child abuse is going to be incredibly harmful when many women in these situations feel as if they are staying for the children.

But they need know that they are misguided and inadvertently exposing their DC to harm. It can be communicated and supported in a gentle way.

OP, like you I grew up with the narrative that my mum was purely a victim who had sacrificed everything for me and my sibling. She even told us that she married her abusive second husband to give us a better life. I felt I was responsible for her happiness and it has massively affected my life, my mental health, my ability to give myself permission to be free. It took until I was in my 30s to even get an inkling that she had made choices, that she wasn't simply a victim, that many of her choices had damaged her children. I'm in my 50s now and still working on not feeling responsible for everyone around me.

Your mum hasn't done everything she possibly could to shield you - if she had you wouldn't be in this situation. She has been a victim, of course, but she has also made bad choices that you are in no way responsible for.