MIL inviting herself on our holidays

[BraidedBrunette]

DH and I took MIL on holiday to Croatia for a big birthday this year. We had a good time but her and DH had some friction and I could tell he was drained by the end. Nothing happened or was said but we were sharing a 2 bed villa and living on top of each other.

We get on well with MIL, had a good time, but we were happy to be back at home the two of us. We aren’t particularly close though, we speak about once every 2 or 3 weeks.

Anyway, she has since asked what holidays we are going on soon and told us she will tag along. DH was quite obviously not keen and she commented on that. She was more telling us, not asking. We laughed it off and she’s emailed us images of a resort in Portugal and asked what we think. She won’t let it go.

DH hasn’t replied yet but said he wants to call her and explain we like being a couple on holiday and he doesn’t want her joining. Is this a bad thing to do? I’m torn between it’s his mum and the fact I think her asking was cheeky and then to follow up with options after saying DH clearly wasn’t keen? It’s a lot of pressure and she is forcing him into spelling it out and feeling bad about it.

'DH hasn’t replied yet but said he wants to call her and explain we like being a couple on holiday and he doesn’t want her joining. Is this a bad thing to do?'

No! It's a very smart thing to do. She's either being extremely cheeky or just clueless but either way, it needs nipping in the bud NOW. You went on holiday with her once, it did not go well, why would you put yourselves through it again?

Tell her you've already booked a holiday for just the two of you.

100% the right thing to do! Let DH tell her that!

It's nice and clear then. I like my MIL and get along well, but I don't enjoy holidays with her (or my mum!).

You need to be honest and stand firm, especially if you've made it clear you're not keen (and she noticed and commented!) but is continuing to push it.

If she is on her own send her some info on holidays for single people that travel together or maybe Saga? It’s unusual behaviour though - is your OH surprised by her CF’ery or is there a backstory?

Could you compromise and only book a double room in an otherwise sold out resort but let her share the bed ?

I think you be polite and diplomatic.

“We really enjoyed the holiday with you this year, but next year we were planning to have a holiday just the two of us.”

Could you offer to do a UK long weekend with her next year? So it’s not an all or nothing?

I think he needs to unless you can afford multiple holidays per year so you can go on a short break with her and a holiday of your choosing as a couple.

If you can only do one I think it's best nipped in the bud and he needs to tell her that while you both really enjoyed being away with her, you both really look forward to having some time away together as a couple so it'll just be the two of you for future holidays and that was a special occasion you were both glad you got to do.

Maybe a stay cation for a weekend or something is another option if you're really keen to include her?

Some people can take a hint; others need things spelled out for them.

You could say to her you enjoyed Croatia as a special big birthday occasion this year but next want to holiday as a couple.
if you do end up doing any other holidays with her then completely separate accommodation is probably a better option.

I was going to suggest this - perhaps if she is alone, she doesn't feel she has the courage to go off on holiday. This takes the sting out of the tail - but yes he needs to tell her that this isn't possible going forward

This is absolutely what your DH should do, yes. He may feel awkward but it’s got to be done.

The reason I say that is that after my DF died, my DM asked me to go away with her on holiday. I agreed, feeling bad for her that she’d lost her regular holiday companion, and I realised only too late that I was now expected to be ‘it’. She was so guilt tripping over it (e.g. saying things like ‘if you won’t come with me, I won’t go, and then I won’t get a break, and I NEED a break’) that it took me a few years to extricate myself from the obligation. Please don’t end up in that sort of situation!

Many years ago one of my AC invited me to join them on a holiday. After much thought I said yes, but stated very very clearly that in my mind this did not set a precedent..... that I was thrilled to be asked, but that in the future I would not be offended if not asked and would take delight in hearing how they were having a good time. I said I understood that downtime as a family was important.

The holiday went swimmingly, as have several others since, but there have also been lots of holidays that I have not been invited on and that has not been any sort of problem. I would certainly not invite myself along! Just because a holiday goes fine with Mum/MIL on board, does not mean it does not change the dynamic. I always try and be useful in some way - cooking a meal, looking after GC etc. I just enjoy the company as I am widowed.

I have 2 other AC who have never invited me to join them on a holiday. I am not offended by this - they are different personalities with different partners who have a different outlook on collective family events. That is fine. I am happy when they are happy and having a good time. They do not love me any less; I am not affronted in any way.

I think your OH should say some of this to MIL. Cards on the table is the best way forward. TBH I think she is being a bit insensitive not to realise some of this herself.

I would counter with offering a weekend, if that’s something you could bear. Dh needs to be clear that it isn’t going to be a regular thing now.

Just nicely explain that while you enjoyed Croatia, you want to spend your holiday time as a couple. Unblur the boundaries.

You can help her find a good singles holiday if she wants to, or just choose a good resort so she can go by herself and give her the confidence to go... But you can't give up the rest of your holidays together to avoid potentially upsetting her, and at the same time have a miserable DH.

I wouldn't want to holiday with my mum or my MIL.

I would reply that it's very kind of her to offer to tag along but that won't be necessary because you intend to holiday as a couple.
I would then go on holiday to (eg) Greece but tell we were going to (eg) Spain just in case she turns up anyway.

Sharing the bed doesn't seem like a good compromise .

Two choices - either your DH tells her that the Croatia trip was a special occasion and you won't be doing that every year, or
You ignore her messages and book your own holiday, and go on it when the time comes - with no option for her to tag along with you.

I’m on the fence with this one, I think family is really important and it’s lovely to treat parents if you can, but in a way that works for you. If you only have budget for one holiday a year then that’s an issue but if you can go away a few times then I think it’s nice to do a short break with parents and do your main holiday as a couple. Being “drained” by a holiday with parents isn’t really enough of a reason not to do it, in my opinion. It’s a good reason to keep the breaks short and sweet though, three nights max. Or do one year on one year off. Maybe say that you’re doing your own thing this year but keen to have a mini break to Portugal next year with her or something.

Yeah she needs to be told straight. Just let DH get on with it.

Her asking wasn't cheeky at all considering she's just been invited on a holiday but I do think future expectations need to be clarified now to avoid later hurt. How did the conversation go when she realised your DH wasn't keen?

I've been on holiday with my DS & DIL and my DD & DSIL now for several years. They have always invited me, but I always make it clear that, much as I love joining them, I don't expect to be asked and I would absolutely understand if they wanted to go away by themselves.
Your MIL is completely out of order trying to invite herself.

Being drained on holiday is a perfectly good reason not to go away with MIL again.

Its his Mum and he doesn't want to go on holiday with her, why are you getting so angsty about it?

Apologies for the confusion, last year was a special trip for your big birthday. We can’t afford extra trips this year, just our usual couples trip.

Can you manage a long weekend with her? If so I'd say that you wanted to keep holidays as couple time but happy to do a long weekend at some point. If can't then you'll just have to be honest about needing holidays to be just the two of you