MIL inviting herself on our holidays

[BraidedBrunette]

DH and I took MIL on holiday to Croatia for a big birthday this year. We had a good time but her and DH had some friction and I could tell he was drained by the end. Nothing happened or was said but we were sharing a 2 bed villa and living on top of each other.

We get on well with MIL, had a good time, but we were happy to be back at home the two of us. We aren’t particularly close though, we speak about once every 2 or 3 weeks.

Anyway, she has since asked what holidays we are going on soon and told us she will tag along. DH was quite obviously not keen and she commented on that. She was more telling us, not asking. We laughed it off and she’s emailed us images of a resort in Portugal and asked what we think. She won’t let it go.

DH hasn’t replied yet but said he wants to call her and explain we like being a couple on holiday and he doesn’t want her joining. Is this a bad thing to do? I’m torn between it’s his mum and the fact I think her asking was cheeky and then to follow up with options after saying DH clearly wasn’t keen? It’s a lot of pressure and she is forcing him into spelling it out and feeling bad about it.

None of those sorry.

Do both. Not fair to permanently to exclude her.

What's an AC?

I wouldn't want my mil tagging along on my mn an holiday either, twos company, threes a crowd.

Can you arrange a couple of weekends away in the UK with her?

Adult Child.

God this is my mother of sorts.

Everyone we go somewhere I've stopped telling her now as she will always always ask why I didn't invite her.

Got a holiday booked for the summer and she wanted to know where we were staying and dates we were going.
I had to tell her she wasn't coming as it was just for us and our first holiday in a long time.
Plus the fact her and my dad are totally inept at organising anything so it's always assumed I will do it for them.

She's deliberately bought her self a voucher for somewhere she bought me and my dh one for and basically told us the other day we are all going together.

I've not responded yet.

It's hard work

Nip it I. The bud now op or it will be constant

Let him deal with his Mum.

Definitely be honest. When my dad left my mum over 20 years ago, she became reliant for most things from my then adult older siblings. Even now, she still expects to have dinner with one sister every Sunday, and go on holiday with them every year. 2 other sisters have also had her away too, but due to her narcissistic ways and the fact she drinks too much, I refuse. One sister actually called me crying at 1am one night of their holiday due to our mothers behaviour. Does she cast it up to me from multiple times a year? Yes, but I don't really care. Self preservation is a must, and it doesn't mean I love her any less. I just couldn't put myself through it.

It doesn’t need to be a big deal. He needs to just tell her last year was a one-off and it’s not going to be the new normal going on holidays with his mum!

Could you do both? Mini break with MIL and longer just the two of you? Like many people now having no parents or in laws (all passed away) would give anything for them to be irritating me in Portugal or anywhere else. Life is short. She won’t be here forever. If it was me I’d do both: family time and couple time.

My mother does this, always makes comments about how she would love to go there and well it would be cheaper for you as we would be paying towards it etc. I just want to go on holiday with my little family to be honest, she never went on holiday with her mum or mil, not once! We now keep our holiday bookings quiet and say we booked last minute. If you invite them once, they think they can keep being invited. We also made that mistake with mil once, luckily dh realised it was much harder work with her being there and didn't invite her again. Get dh to have a word with her and nip it in the bud.

We tend not to discuss holiday plans with extended family and just let them know when we're there. We have been on holiday with various family members but not regularly. In this case I'd make it clear you aren't planning a holiday with her this year and keep holiday plans vague

Please ignore these guilt-tripping you into inviting her for holidays. Holidays are about everyone relaxing. She's not a child that you are responsible for.

Just do day trips with her.

Let your DH tell her what to expect, "we'll do group day trips in future". If she doesn't like it then don't do them either.

Why an earth would she want to join in on your holiday has she not got her own things to do? If she not there to help with children or let you have alone time without children she has no business to keep going on multiple holidays with you unless she using you for holidays? Can she not afford her own?!

Kindly but firmly tell her the truth. Does she have any friends who she could go with? Or suggest a Saga holiday?
You shouldn't be guilted into taking precious holiday with a spare third wheel. No way.

I think I'd emphasise the fact the holiday you took her on was for a specific purpose ie to celebrate a big birthday and as such was a one off. Your lives are very busy and you need down time on your own to be able to fully relax as a couple. A reasonable person would understand this but if she pushes back, you might have to just be blunt and say no, Croatia was ok but not as relaxing for you as when you're away on your own, so going on holiday with someone else just wouldn't be the same for you.

Of course it's fair to permanently exclude her. Going on holiday with your parents is absolutely not a requirement. Yes, you need to see them. That does not mean you need to go on holiday with them.

I say this as someone who spent a large proportion of my holidays with family because they live in different countries and now that I'm older I regret it a lot. It was always FAR less fun holidaying with them and I should have prioritised myself and my husband rather than our parents.

Not permanently. No harm in it now and again. Your parents were there before partner and would be there if he left also, I've never understood it when people throw their parents way way down the priority list when they get a partner.

Not going on holiday with parents is not throwing them way down the priority list, that is an absurd way of trying to justify the OP's parents entitlement to railroad themselves into any part of the OP's life that they feel like. If they didn't get on as a group, don't go on holiday together again, full stop, end of. There are a multitude of other ways of looking out for your parents and caring for them. You do not own your children and you do not have an entitlement to ALWAYS be involved in their life, they have their own life and are entitled to live it as they choose.

To the OP: talk to the parents ASAP and get boundaries set. When boundaries are violated and nothing is done, it becomes an entitlement then you are in for a world of frustration forever. Don't let it get that far. You could consider assisting them in finding holidays or other activities they can enjoy independently of you, if nothing else it will aid independence. It has never been easier than the modern day to find social groups or organised holidays themed around your areas of interest where you will meet like minded people, all that is needed is a bit of initiative.

Surely this is a typo ?
Or the wrong thread ?

Or, just possibly, hyperbole

We never got into that op as sets in stone. My husband only break all year. So no. Def moods when its said. Think its different if parents easy ... my sisters same opinion.

Please don't give me a lecture about my parents since you know nothing about their bad behaviour. I've never understood it when people act like they know details of my life when they have no idea.

As I said in my post I made the mistake of prioritising them above my husband and myself for two decades. So your sanctimonious "I've never understood it when people throw their parents way way down the priority list when they get a partner." is not only irrelevant but also incorrect.

OP and her husband do not need to holiday with his MIL. They can see her during the day and do day trips. Nobody OWES their parents holidays.

She actually has a partner and a 25 year old daughter who live with her. Her partner is afraid of flying and her daughter just doesn’t want to go abroad. However I have no doubt that if either of them were up for going, we wouldn’t even be given a second thought. We would be well down the list!

Anyway DH is going to shut it down if she brings it up again. After reading replies, I’ve realised our holiday time is precious the two of us and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

Good for you OP, holidays aren't supposed to be a chore, they are your time to enjoy a break as a couple.
You can have daytrips, picnics, etc. with her and it's less time for her to cause stress to your DH.

Whose big birthday was the trip for? I'd start there. Tell her it was a once off for the birthday and it isn't something that will be repeated.

Keep reminding her that the trip was for a milestone birthday celebration and won't be repeated so she can find someone else to go on holiday with.

You could also find out if there are any tour operators/groups in your locality that organise trips abroad that she could join and suggest that as a new outlet for her.