MIL inviting herself on our holidays

[BraidedBrunette]

DH and I took MIL on holiday to Croatia for a big birthday this year. We had a good time but her and DH had some friction and I could tell he was drained by the end. Nothing happened or was said but we were sharing a 2 bed villa and living on top of each other.

We get on well with MIL, had a good time, but we were happy to be back at home the two of us. We aren’t particularly close though, we speak about once every 2 or 3 weeks.

Anyway, she has since asked what holidays we are going on soon and told us she will tag along. DH was quite obviously not keen and she commented on that. She was more telling us, not asking. We laughed it off and she’s emailed us images of a resort in Portugal and asked what we think. She won’t let it go.

DH hasn’t replied yet but said he wants to call her and explain we like being a couple on holiday and he doesn’t want her joining. Is this a bad thing to do? I’m torn between it’s his mum and the fact I think her asking was cheeky and then to follow up with options after saying DH clearly wasn’t keen? It’s a lot of pressure and she is forcing him into spelling it out and feeling bad about it.

"Three's a crowd Mum, and it's better for all of us to have separate holidays as we dont all enjoy the same things"

And NEVER tell her your destination. EVER.

I'm 67 and do a few (shortish) trips on my own every year to places others have zero interest in. I suppose it depends on neediness and the confidence to go it alone or as part of an organised group which I also do and enjoy greatly.

I think it is totally acceptable for DH to reply that last year was a one-off special treat for the big birthday and that you both prefer to go away as a couple given you both work (presumably) and holiday leave is limited.

I should clarify that on the occasions when I have holidayed with my AC I have paid my way - shared the rental, the petrol, the meals out. My SIL sends me a run-down afterwards and I settle up with him. I would not want it otherwise.

OP - read this thread and behold your future if you don’t nip this in the bud now 😬

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5239150-to-be-mad-my-folks-gatecrashed-xmas?page=1

Looks great.
Just to clarify though, me and [insert your name] are making our own plans for future trips.
The joint holiday to Croatia was a one off.

It's his mum and he wants to say no so it's no

Just be honest with her that you want to go as a couple, I wouldn’t tell her the details of the holiday either incase she surprises you by turning up x

I think DH needs to say clearly and kindly that you enjoyed that holiday with her, but mostly you'll want to holiday as a couple. As a PP said, you could offer to arrange a weekend, maybe once a year, for the three of you at a destination you all enjoy.
If he doesn't do this soon, you'll be on tenterhooks in future, and any holidays you do arrange may be spoilt by her wish to be invited.

Can you simply say nothing? She sends holiday info and you simply ignore it. If she doesn’t know what/ where/ when then she can’t include herself. DH says once…mum we are not planning a joint trip this year and then she gets silence on it all

Often on similar threads the poster has a problem with a in-law, but the real problem is that the poster is having to deal with it, because the partner/husband isn't doing it. Here your DH is proposing to deal with it, and it is his Mum, so I'd let him crack on with it.
I once went on a week away with my partner, his mother and my mother (the 4 of us, it was an unusual situation that sort of developed) and his Mum was mostly visiting her extended family, and my partner, Mum and I went on various trips as a threesome (we were young, about 22). I've been on holiday too with just my Mum, my Mum and my two sons, and now-DH, our sons and both my parents, all at different times. All have been great, but it only works if you all want to do it.

He's willing to deal with it, let him. Hell no to holidays with the MIL if either party are not wholeheartedly up for that!

You could offer a vague 'but we could do a weekend break perhaps' IF you actually want to... don't if you don't really want to though!

Clarify A.S.A.P.
Remind her that the last holiday was for a special birthday so her research should include places that will still be nice in ten years time.

Could you stretch to a weekend away with them somewhere nice every year?

Your DH is right to say no to his mother, who ruined your last holiday.

She needs to be told no, quite firmly by your DH, in a way that she will understand and not try to manipulate her self back into your holidays to ruin them all over again so that you and your husband have to go home to recover.

I'd also be very careful about saying any details about the holiday you'd booked without her.
If she knows which hotel, which country and what dates, there may be a possibility that she'd book that week (or fortnight) for herself too, then you'd still be stuck with her but obviously she'd have paid for herself.
I must admit, you have described ger as being quite demanding and manipulative.
Do you think she would book off her own initiative if she know where you were going and when?
Maybe if she was encouraged into joining a group that took holidays together because of a shared interest, that may work out better for you and her.
Good luck

What?!

Just call any holiday you don't want her to come on a “romantic holiday" every time it's mentioned.

Does she go on holiday alone or with friends, siblings etc.? I wonder if she is lost her confidence or holiday companions.

I do agree with other posters that as your DH found it draining, you should let him deal with it. If you are feeling generous, perhaps you can suggest a little mini break with her in addition to your couples only holiday with DH.

We had this with DMIL, took her away for a big birthday and from the moment we set foot there, she wouldn't stop about how she was looking forward to coming back each year.

Literally every single day for a whole week!

She sent links for the place when back, even though we'd found it.
We ignored & went on our own holidays. It's been 4 years since now and she stopped.

Ignore or let your DH spell it out.

You had a good time because of where you were and what you were doing, but not because MIL was with you. She didn't add to the experience, and for your DH it seems she actually made it less enjoyable.
She enjoyed it so is pushing to do it again, but its not fair to your DH to take her with you again, and he needs to spell that out very clearly for her.
Personally i wouldn't compromise and alternate going with her and as a couple, holidays are precious times, she can find someone else to go with.

Do not tell her any of your holiday plans....she will only keep inviting herself or hijacking your plans.
It is nice that you took her away for a big birthday but she seems to now think she is invited to all your short breaks, holidays etc.
Nip this in the bud NOW or you will be taking her away with you every single time!

For what it's worth, I am a MIL but would not contemplate joining any of my AC's families for a holiday.

This is one of those rare occasions on mumsnet when the OP does not have a “DH problem”. Unleash him OP.

Surely this is a typo ?
Or the wrong thread ?

def nip this in the bud now.

however if you want to be really nice and can afford it and she’s on her own, I’d suggest a separate weekend away to invite her along to. Only if you want to though

and def don’t share your holiday plans with her !

I would definitely say no, holidays at a time to unwind and relax after working hard and having someone who stops you doing that on your holiday is actually bad for your health, the body needs rest.