I know it’s none of my business buuuut….

[dancinginthedark123]

Still reeling from family get together today. My sister’s new (well not
new, she’s been with him 3 years since her divorce) fiancé (lets call him Steve) came to my parents with my sister, her 5year old son from her first marriage and her 2 year old son with her fiancé. her first son has some additional needs, not entirely sure of them all as she’s very private but I know one is ADHD. My parents house is tiny so throw us all in together for a meal and it’s crowded. Understandably after eating the boys wanted to run around (no space) and they were told to sit nicely and watch tv
while the adults talked. This was for 2 hours! During which time we come to my whaaaaaat moment.
Steve has been very vocal about taking her ds on as If he was his own which is lovely (though he spends 50% of his time with his bio dad) but today I witnessed roughhousing between Steve and ds1 that seemed far too rough for a
5 year old, and when he inevitably got over hyped up he was strictly told off
by Steve “why are you whining? You’re not a girl, only
gay boys cry like babies” and other comments like this. I was horrified. He also only had to count to 1 on a warning and DS1 immediately stopped whatever it was he was being told off for and sat down. Just made me wonder if he’s scared of him though I quietly mentioned it to my sister who laughed and said he’s not scared of him, just the consequences of toys taken away / park trip cancelled etc. she seems happy for him to talk to him like he does, and says DS1 is much better behaved now her fiancé is on the scene and can discipline him. I know it’s not my Business but it really sat badly with me☹️

Very uncomfortable I'm sorry OP.
My back would be up for sure and I think I'd keep an ear out at gatherings etc. If anything really concerning happens you can always ring NSPCC for support or advice.

Yes, this makes me uncomfortable too OP. 😔

I don’t like the gay boy bit but I think you should mind your own business. His mum’s happy with his parenting and he spends 50% of his time with an involved dad. It’s their issue not yours.

After the recent news items about the dangers of step dads, I would definitely step in.

How dare he roughhouse and bully a tiny 5 year old child. It will only get worse.

Think of the child - your sister clearly isn't capable of protecting her child as she is minimising this adults clear bullying, belittling and name calling.

If you don't do something this could end really badly for your poor little nephew.

Poor bloody kid.

it was the gay boy / why are you crying like a girl comments mixed with rough play that was (in my opinion) way too rough and then this sudden “Right
that’s it you’re over hyped, I’m counting to 3…1 and DS1
sits down still as statue. It all just feels extreme to me and my sister genuinely seems just happy for his “help” with the discipline 😢

This is all of your business & if he is like this with your nephew in the presence of people what is he like behind closed doors. This is not appropriate or to be ignored at all. The more it’s ignored the more complicit you are in his treatment of your nephew. This will only get worse. Speak to your sister she is not protecting her son from harm,

Its off, you are right to be concerned. I have a reception age ds. No-one 'rough houses' with him or scares him into submission. I'd be heart broken at the 'gay boy' stuff too, awful. The freezing at the countdown sounds really worrying .

It is definitely your business.
That behaviour is not ok. As others have said if that’s what happens when observed what happens when unobserved.
Aperson doesn’t have to be violent to be frightening. Your nephew’s behaviour speaks volumes and tells you he is afraid.

I think you should try and have a chat with your sister, gently voice some concerns. I couldn't sit by and listen to my nephew being subjected to that influence without saying anything.

Yes you're right to be concerned this really doesn't sit right. It sounds like your sister might not be receptive to hearing your concerns. I'm wondering if there is a way you could speak to your nephew himself and try to get a gauge of what his perception is of the situation. Would your parents be any use in discussing your concerns with them too? Definitely, definitely worth keeping an eye on. Watch and listen and act if you're worried.

Also speak to the dsl at your nephews school & they can do some direct work with your nephew & get his views on step father & how he feels when he’s present.

Of course it’s your business, you love him and he’s being bullied by his arsehole of a step dad because his mum’s outsourced parenting to the bloke she’s dating. I hope his dad’s nicer, is he? What’s the BIL like with the 2 year old?

Yanbu, I would be worried too. As a pp said, if he’s happy to say and do these things in public, you wonder what happens behind closed doors.
Hard to know what advice to give, other than to reiterate specific concerns to your sister and the worry that this could be very damaging for him and he is likely living in fear due to the way he responds to his stepdad.

Such a red flag when the non biological father figure gets involved in discipline. Maybe your parents' could raise some issues if they agree with you . Does your family get on with his bio father? Wonder if the child has ever said anything .

My parents are nervous to say anything as my sister tends to withdraw and stop seeing them (her kids included) if she feels disapproved of. They seem to think overall he’s had a good effect on my
nephew as he now “listens” to his step dad but they aren’t model parents and we were brought up with lots of shouting and spanking so I really don’t think they are a good judge ☹️I also disagree that my nephew listening and it never getting behind the count of 1 is a “good” thing….it simply feels excessive to me. But I’m very Much out on a limb on my own feeling this way.

I assume your sister is happy because her DS is behaving better but yes I think he's scared of Steve. Unfortunately what can you do? You've told your sister and she thinks it's okay for her son to be bullied so not sure what else you can do?
If you have a good relationship with your sister's ex you could ask him if he's noticed any difference to his son but it'll probably ruin your relationship with your sister.
I would keep an eye on your nephew, is there any way you can take him out regularly? Give your sister a break? Hopefully she'll realise Steve is out of order but please try and keep an eye out I'd hate to think of harm coming to another child.

Relations are very strained with ex bio dad, drop offs
are done fast and no comms apart from anything necessary about my
nephew. Oddly(?) Steve does most of the drop offs to bio dad house, not sure why though my sister is glad as is busy with the toddler…

Yes my sister literally doesn’t bat an eyelid when he talks
to him like he does and says he behaves so much better now. She’s absolutely not
open to any questions about Steve’s approach.

@dancinginthedark123

This would make me really uncomfortable aswell

My dh and I got together when my first born was 6 and he's never ever ever spoken to him like that or silenced him with threats.

I would be keeping a really close eye on that situation if I were you
Maybe you could try spending some time with your nephew on your own at times and just be more present in case he wants to say anything to you.

Be his advocate op
Seriously there have been so many children abused or killed by step parents in the last 12 months let alone before that I would be making myself more known

Trust your instincts OP. Adding mt voice to all the other's rightly saying this is absolutely your business.

Advice to speak to the school's safeguardung lead is really good. At the very least, you'd be getting this on the right people's radar and the school can be vigilant for other concerns which may otherwise pass them by.

I would really be side eyeing my sister for wanting to be married to this man. Homophobia would be a deal breaker for me.

I mean you can say something to her but clearly she is ok with this kind of thing as she is marrying him.

Just stay close and keep an eye out for your nephew.

Do you have any contact/way to communicate with the Dad? Can you speak to him about your concerns with the understanding that he doesn’t raise it with your sister until he’s spoken to his DS in a child friendly way and has investigated anything sinister? He can also speak to the school to ask them to observe?

You should all want to ensure this little lad is safe with this guy and work together in that, and his Dad should be aware.

Massive red flags all over this. I’d be furious if I was the Dad just at the name calling! Let alone the obvious fear this child has to do as he’s told.

Steve doesn't understand children and I'd be concerned too.

And it's people like this is why children being abused get ignored!!

It's everyones business.. To watch out and report anything that doesn't sit right with them and let the authorities decide if the person is over reacting or if in fact this child is being bullied at best.
So many children die at the hands of abusive "parents" and then it comes out how many people thought it wasn't their business to get involved.

I would maybe find excuses to spend more time with this child and keep an eye out OP it doesn't sit right with me. I hate children being the centre of name calling, it can be worse than physical abuse!