I know it’s none of my business buuuut….

[dancinginthedark123]

Still reeling from family get together today. My sister’s new (well not
new, she’s been with him 3 years since her divorce) fiancé (lets call him Steve) came to my parents with my sister, her 5year old son from her first marriage and her 2 year old son with her fiancé. her first son has some additional needs, not entirely sure of them all as she’s very private but I know one is ADHD. My parents house is tiny so throw us all in together for a meal and it’s crowded. Understandably after eating the boys wanted to run around (no space) and they were told to sit nicely and watch tv
while the adults talked. This was for 2 hours! During which time we come to my whaaaaaat moment.
Steve has been very vocal about taking her ds on as If he was his own which is lovely (though he spends 50% of his time with his bio dad) but today I witnessed roughhousing between Steve and ds1 that seemed far too rough for a
5 year old, and when he inevitably got over hyped up he was strictly told off
by Steve “why are you whining? You’re not a girl, only
gay boys cry like babies” and other comments like this. I was horrified. He also only had to count to 1 on a warning and DS1 immediately stopped whatever it was he was being told off for and sat down. Just made me wonder if he’s scared of him though I quietly mentioned it to my sister who laughed and said he’s not scared of him, just the consequences of toys taken away / park trip cancelled etc. she seems happy for him to talk to him like he does, and says DS1 is much better behaved now her fiancé is on the scene and can discipline him. I know it’s not my Business but it really sat badly with me☹️

she seems happy for him to talk to him like he does, and says DS1 is much better behaved now her fiancé is on the scene and can discipline him

If this boy has ADHD Steve isn’t disciplining him he is just creating a timebomb

You can’t discipline someone with ADHD it is like asking someone not to blink

Eventually it will just erupt

Your dsis needs reporting to SS for allowing her disabled ds (ADHD is a disability) to be treated in this way

They are trying to turn her ND son into a NT child and that is never going to end well

All awful. Why rough house, get the kid hyped up and then discipline him???

please keep an eye out for this little boy. I’d invite yourself round but give no inkling to your sister until you know what you want to do. With all the reports of new partners harming children lately it’s better to be cautious.

Voice your concerns to your sister. Maybe even find research about this type of behaviour to show her. After that I don't think there is much you can do.

I agree the comments are awful though -
Poor kid! Your sister should realise how wrong this behaviour is!

The gay boy comment was unacceptable as homophobic, I would be talking to my sister privately about that and asking does she want her children to grow up with those sort of prejudices.

However, the counting thing...could well be nothing. I used to say to my kids I will count to 3....Followed by 1....2.... they snapped out of whatever bad behaviour they were doing before I got to 3. It used to amuse me because even I didn't know what I would do if it ever got to 3 because I didn't ever use physical punishment against them.

I'd be very concerned. He sounds controlling and a bully.

A friend of a friend had a partner (not her boys dad). She loved his 'hard man' persona. Not so much her boys. He wasn't very nice to my friend's boy at his birthday but at least my friend stuck up for her son. The friend of a friend would have just smiled vacantly while he trod over their feelings and called them names.

that sounds uncomfortable
perhaps take them out yourself, if they needed a run around, be a gentle influence

"You can’t discipline someone with ADHD it is like asking someone not to blink"

i doubt that is true!

You could start by saying you are a girl and so is mum, his sister and grandma, and confronting the idea that that is an insult. You’ll pull the flack onto yourself away from the child.

It is your business. That's your nephew. If Steve is like this in public what is he like in private? I'd be keeping a close eye on DN and trying to build a close relationship where he feels he could confide in you if needed.

My lovely b’n’law ’took on’ his stepson when he was 11 months old. He has not seen his biological dad since he was about 18 months then (biological dad’s choice). My b’n’law has never ever talked about providing for his stepson or stepping up - he just did it. Aside from his parenting style even talking about how he is taking on your sisters son is a red flag for me - like he wants credit / Cudos for it.

This actually is very much your business. If your nephew is gay, he's being raised in an unsafe environment that will certainly damage him growing up. At best he will merely feel unsafe and insecure, and grow up with huge self-esteem issues. At worst I would be concerned that this strict policing of his gender and sexuality will tip into physical abuse.

This sort of homophobic, hard-man masculinity can also damage straight boys, too. If they're "lucky" enough to fit the mould they may well lean into it and become homophobic, hard-man dickheads themselves. If they don't, they may also be the victim of physical and emotional abuse.

I'd have called the prick's homophobia out on the spot. No one uses that sort of language around me. If he wants a bunfight about it he can have one. It's the language of bullies that they only use towards people they think are weaker than them - let's see how he deals with someone who isn't scared of him and won't back down.

I also don't think much of your sister at all for bringing that sort of man around her kids. I have absolute contempt for any women for whom homophobia isn't a dealbreaker.

Does your husband realise that soon it won't be up to him? He doesn't get to control his son's gender presentation, dress sense or sexuality. He had better learn that before your son is able to decide for himself.

Totally agree with this
Every time we hear on the news about something terrible having happened to a child in their home and by family members including stepdads, girlfriends, boyfriends etc we all cry out about how could this happen and who should have done what in order to protect the child
This sounds like it needs some intervention before it’s a news story because then it’s too late

Protecting children is everyone's business

It's deciding which of these adult behaviours are parenting choices and which are damaging that need addressing.

For me the homophobia would be a definite to address, the roughhousing possibly (depends on interactions - my kids love it BUT it's a very delicate balancing act) and I'd be suggesting that having riled them up it's unfair and confusing to suddenly leap to warning/punishment because you, the adult, got bored after encouraging that kind of play. Helping a child change emotional direction is a lot more complex than that. Fiancé hasn't learned how to interact with children

I agree with pp this is worrying. Even more so in the context of a child with ADHD. They generally struggle to regulate their emotions and it would be hard for any 5 year old to go from hyped up ‘rough housing’ to sitting still but would be nigh on impossible for a child with ADHD. The fact he did to me suggests he’s even more scared of his stepdad than an NT child. He’s gone into freeze mode which suggests he is really frightened.

Steve sounds like a horrible, sexist example of a man. Sounds like he’s controlling, if not worse. I’d try to keep a close relationship for DS1s sake, poor boy.

Similar to ThatKhakiMoose I know really well how upsetting and frustrating it is to know a child is in an abusive environment, to report it, and for nothing to change. And this wasn't even low- or mid-level. Although the parents in question have gone NC with me, I still hear about the things that go on in that house, and I report it each time - other family members are afraid of being frozen out by the parents.
Speaking to the DSL in the child's school is an excellent idea. They obviously cannot discuss him with you, but they can (and will) listen and take notes, and it helps them build up a picture, contextualise any changes in his behaviour or something he says, and act if necessary.
It's like banging your head against a wall, but at least you know you are doing all you can.

This kind of thing makes me feel really uncomfortable too.

It’s like when people wind up a child by taking the mick etc and then laugh when the child gets upset / angry. I find it really sadistic and think it can mess the child up, especially if it happens regularly from someone close.

can you visit more regularly?
announced and unannounced

It’s not, but people with ADHD find self regulation difficult and what Steve is doing is conflicting DS by the roughhousing - he’s over stimulating him and then expecting him to control his emotions on a countdown. That would be difficult for an NT child, but nigh on impossible for someone ND. They think they’re improving his behaviour with this routine because they’re getting the response they want - it stops. But what they’re actually doing is scaring the boy into freeze mode, and in the process demonstrating that they don’t know the first thing about providing what he actually needs. The fact that Steve does this openly is performative. OP needs to advocate for her nephew to appropriate authorities before these two clowns permanently damage the child.

My job is safeguarding children and protecting a child is everyone's business. I would note this down on your phone with date and exactly what was said and what happened. It would raise red flags but not enough for any services to do anything yet. You could ring rspcc and gain advice if you wanted. It feels like your sisters is enabling her fiancé's behaviour. Maybe because she struggles to create healthy boundaries for her children's behaviour?

“why are you whining? You’re not a girl, only gay boys cry like babies”

ew it’s about to be 2025 and there are still men who say these things

Oh that poor little boy. I'll never understand how some people are happy to be blind to how unhealthy some situations are for the sake of keeping the peace with their DP.

My DH rough houses with our 2 DS and our nephew.. he also ‘counts’ as do I, with our eldest who is not quite 5, we have never actually got to 3 as he understands the impact of consequences, stop what you’re doing before that point or X privilege will be taken away - so I don’t see the issue with those things at his age, as long as the children are enjoying the rough housing, IME they’re the ones asking for more. But I do have an issue with the gay boy comments and putting him down for experiencing emotion. If you think something is wrong - trust your gut.