I know it’s none of my business buuuut….

[dancinginthedark123]

Still reeling from family get together today. My sister’s new (well not
new, she’s been with him 3 years since her divorce) fiancé (lets call him Steve) came to my parents with my sister, her 5year old son from her first marriage and her 2 year old son with her fiancé. her first son has some additional needs, not entirely sure of them all as she’s very private but I know one is ADHD. My parents house is tiny so throw us all in together for a meal and it’s crowded. Understandably after eating the boys wanted to run around (no space) and they were told to sit nicely and watch tv
while the adults talked. This was for 2 hours! During which time we come to my whaaaaaat moment.
Steve has been very vocal about taking her ds on as If he was his own which is lovely (though he spends 50% of his time with his bio dad) but today I witnessed roughhousing between Steve and ds1 that seemed far too rough for a
5 year old, and when he inevitably got over hyped up he was strictly told off
by Steve “why are you whining? You’re not a girl, only
gay boys cry like babies” and other comments like this. I was horrified. He also only had to count to 1 on a warning and DS1 immediately stopped whatever it was he was being told off for and sat down. Just made me wonder if he’s scared of him though I quietly mentioned it to my sister who laughed and said he’s not scared of him, just the consequences of toys taken away / park trip cancelled etc. she seems happy for him to talk to him like he does, and says DS1 is much better behaved now her fiancé is on the scene and can discipline him. I know it’s not my Business but it really sat badly with me☹️

It is your business. That is your nephew and this asshole is verbally abusive and plays inappropriately. Your sister needs to wake up and protect her son from this POS.

Steve's a misogynistic, homophobic prick, we know that much. He sounds like a pathetic bully as well, wanting to show everybody how he's the boss of a five year old child. Arsehole.
Sorry I've no decent advice to offer, it's just that I've met a few 'Steves' in my time and they're all nasty little shites.

No. The way he talked to the boy was abusive. It is her business if her nephew is being verbally abused.

Absolutely right.

And so many of recent cases where children have died at the hands of stepparents and biological parents prioritising their relationship over their child. Op please please speak to the child's father/school and raise it with social services with your concerns. Social services are unlikely to do anything but if you don't log it then there isn't a picture being built up for them to intervene over time.

At the very least if you're able I would probably try and speak with bio dad wouldn't you want someone to tell you if this was happening to your child who you didn't have with you full time ? At least to flag it as something they need to agree on as mutual parents.
I have to say I'd be worried also
However I witnessed behaviour I didn't like from my BIL to my niece (his bio daughter) on holiday a few years ago and my mum mentioned it to my sister and it wasn't taken well !!

I'd be very concerned but don't think there's a lot you can do. People have discretion to parent how they want, even homophobes and 'disciplinarians' until it tips over into anything criminal. Your sister sounds like she's so desperate for support she won't hear a word against the fiance and will excuse most behaviour. I'd mention it to your parents and keep an eye out.

This is an issue I also have with my SIL. She lets the men she's had as partners become overly involved in her kids' lives telling them off, solo childcare because it helps her and staying over very early on. One man was very vocal in telling off DN harshly within a couple of months and it rubbed me up the wrong way. DH and PIL felt it wasn't their place to comment but noticed it too. Fortunately it was over a couple of weeks later although, disappointingly, it was him who broke it off so she's not seeing the red flags or is ignoring them.

Red flags in your situation would be the homophobic comments, rough housing and drop offs - is he definitely being dropped off? Are you in contact with DN's dad? If so, it would have to be something you navigated extremely sensitively to avoid a massive fall out.

Firstly, can you get any time alone with your DN to chat and see how he's doing? 'Side talking' whilst doing an activity like crafts, baking, playing in the park, etc. is good to get an unfiltered response from your DN.

Be mindful that he might not see the red flags himself but get a general feeling. It might be a feeling he's voiced and been told by your own DSis that it's nonsense or he's had a general impression he can't say anything negative. Reinforce the fact you're always on his side and believe him, he can be open with you. Don't make big promises like you won't tell anyone because if he does disclose something, you'll have to report it and he'll never trust you or potentially other adults again.

I wouldn't wait to discuss concerns with NSPCC and perhaps do a request under Claire's Law.

Unfortunately, step dads are a huge risk as recent cases have shown. I'm pretty sure it's one of the trauma risk factors. Trust your gut and dig with this. Sadly, we can't all rely on our family members to be the people we hold them up to be and you may find yourself even more disappointed in your DSis than you imagined.

Sad about the "gay boy" cpmments and the crying stuff) but my DH would not let my DS wear a dress. Full stop , So I guess everyone has their limits.

You are correct to be concerned.

Spend more time with nephew.
If your concerns esculate, bring it up again with sister.

If she will not hear you, go behind your sister's back (in secret as you not being in nephews life is not a good outcome) and speak anonymously to the school to alert them to SS.

When SS contacts your sister, support her in accepting help and assistance with parenting. Professional help is what will be best.

Steve sounds horrible, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I've tried to intervene in family things of this nature and you just get frozen out.

This is BS. Safeguarding children is everyone’s business. It’s people minding their own business that ends up with children getting seriously hurt or worse. There are worrying statistics regarding children being harmed by step-parents. I would suggest running this by the NSPCC.

Not the case. The OP could vocalise how they are feeling to Steve and their DSIS. If that was happening between two adults at Christmas words would be said - why is it that when it comes to children the opposite is true? They need protection.

I would definitely be flagging this to the school for starters. Then monitoring to see if you should report to SS And the NSPCC. One thing you can do is spend more time with your nephew(s) to give them some respite, especially the older one atm. And monitor / note down how Steve is with your nephew.

I cannot begin to discuss your sister and her reasons as her reaction is so alien to me. So many women have been taught to defer to men. I was as well and broke away from that rubbish.

I wouldn’t speak to Steve or the sister. This will alienate the children. I would speak to the child directly. Talk about what a great big brother he is, encourage him with words about what a brilliant kid he is and discourage any red flag behaviour eg rough housing with the younger one or teasing him etc.

And safeguarding of children is everyone’s business.

Maybe someone like you said the same thing to little Sara Sharif's uncle,
who was sentenced to 16 years' imprisonment for causing or allowing her death.

If you see or hear anything that is even slightly off OP, speak to someone about it.

The safety of kids is everyone’s business.
If Steve used racist language towards your nephew would you have challenged it? He used homophobic language towards him.
You are a blood relative of your nephew, unlike Steve. Don’t ignore something that makes you uncomfortable.

Trust me, you can vocalise all you want, but nothing will change unless the other parent takes action. Social Services will do nothing with what's described here. The bar for getting children taken away is very high - not that the situation warrants it - and in the absence of the need for child removal, SS don't really do anything. They might pay a visit. Nothing will come of it and you'll be frozen out for good.

The truth is that parents can largely bring up their children how they want, bar severe abuse, and you have no ability to effect change if you're not the parent.

You could have a word with the mum in private, I guess, and keep a close relationship with the kid going forward. But trying to force them to be nicer parents sadly will achieve nothing except them distancing themselves from you.

I know from bitter experience that there is nothing you can do about children being brought up in homes where there is low-level to mid-level abuse. There are million of children living like this, and SS wouldn't dream of taking the kids away. Kids who aren't touched but are shouted at relentlessly over nothing, kids who witness domestic violence, kids who don't receive much respect or love. It's very sad and frustrating but until the kids are older, they're under the aegis of their horrible parent(s), except for cases that are both severe and provable. It's completely wrong. I just know the futility of trying to intervene from experience.

The people saying that safeguarding is everyone's business have clearly never tried to intervene in these situations. The hard and horrible truth is that parents are basically free to commit low to mid-level abuse of their kids as much as they like, as freely as they like. Social Services can intervene in severe cases, but the bar for removing children from the home is insanely high, so basically children have to stay, and the only person who can really save them is the non-abusive parent. And it doesn't sound as if she sees anything wrong with it.

I do understand this. However, safeguarding is everyone’s business. If whatever is happening to the child doesn’t reach the high thresholds, all a person can do is to support the child whilst keeping the parents on side and keep an eye on things.

Exactly. I suggested upthread that OP maybe has a quiet word with the mum, and apart from that, keep close to the nephew. I feel sorry for him having a Big Swinging Dick type for a stepdad. He uses "gay" as an insult? Have we seriously not moved past that kind of thing? Infuriating.

Completely agree.

OP, can you tell his bio dad? Would he understand, or is he also a Big Swinging Dick type?

People saying it’s not OP’s business. It’s everyone’s business if you have concerns about a child. Keep an eye on the situation. All you can do really. I’d hope if anything was going on the child would speak to his dad, just mentioning in passing like kids do. Eg Steve spanked me for stealing cars from my brother etc. Hopefully he’s just a little strict, which isn’t always a bad thing as it sounds like he played with him (maybe a little rough for your liking but some dads do rough play) and then asked him to sit quietly as mot enough space to run around. It’s good he listens. Nothing you can do other than monitor the situation.