I know it’s none of my business buuuut….

[dancinginthedark123]

Still reeling from family get together today. My sister’s new (well not
new, she’s been with him 3 years since her divorce) fiancé (lets call him Steve) came to my parents with my sister, her 5year old son from her first marriage and her 2 year old son with her fiancé. her first son has some additional needs, not entirely sure of them all as she’s very private but I know one is ADHD. My parents house is tiny so throw us all in together for a meal and it’s crowded. Understandably after eating the boys wanted to run around (no space) and they were told to sit nicely and watch tv
while the adults talked. This was for 2 hours! During which time we come to my whaaaaaat moment.
Steve has been very vocal about taking her ds on as If he was his own which is lovely (though he spends 50% of his time with his bio dad) but today I witnessed roughhousing between Steve and ds1 that seemed far too rough for a
5 year old, and when he inevitably got over hyped up he was strictly told off
by Steve “why are you whining? You’re not a girl, only
gay boys cry like babies” and other comments like this. I was horrified. He also only had to count to 1 on a warning and DS1 immediately stopped whatever it was he was being told off for and sat down. Just made me wonder if he’s scared of him though I quietly mentioned it to my sister who laughed and said he’s not scared of him, just the consequences of toys taken away / park trip cancelled etc. she seems happy for him to talk to him like he does, and says DS1 is much better behaved now her fiancé is on the scene and can discipline him. I know it’s not my Business but it really sat badly with me☹️

Disagree entirely with this, just because your dsis says she is happy with how Steve parents your nephew doesn't mean you shouldn't be concerned. I would definitely be concerned with what you've seen, I just wouldn't be sure how to proceed though, keep a close eye on things if you can for now. Maybe contact the school safeguarding officer.

Yeah, I understand you but how old is this boy , 5?, I don;t hink you need to be outting 5 yo boys in dresses. I know its just convention, but every society has one, If at 18yo he decided he wants to dress as a female then good luck to him ( barring the usual caveats of sports and changing rooms etc)
The only exception I can think of is a chacter from a movie and he happened to prefern the costume that was a female one. Fine too,

Sadly piss poor parenting like this is not illegal but is responsible for piss poor behaviour we now see in young men and boys. Macho, Andrew Tate idiots raising boys is a disaster. Your sister needs to step up and challenge this nonsense.

He sounds awful and red flags all over him.

I wouldn't try talking to your DSis given what you've said about the likelihood that she will retreat if she feels any disapproval. I would keep quiet and close and observe the interactions. I would also not think twice about saying "hey that's enough" if I saw this again but that's me. Any more of this and I'd consider a referral to SS.

Children continue to be sexually, verbally, and emotionally abused in their homes because of views like yours.

OP I would keep a very close eye and try to have a one to one conversation with your nephew if you get the chance to.

Massive red flag with the "gay boy" comment.

Apart from being homophobic, he was aiming to invalidate your nephew's feelings and humiliate him.

Can you have a chat with his bio dad to voice your concerns?

What a horrible comment. Mind your own business? Children's welfare is everybody's business.

I agree with contacting his school DSL. Also in future don’t be afraid to challenge Steve when you witness him behaving or speaking inappropriately to your nephew. Eg if nephew cries just swoop him up for a cuddle and tell him it’s fine to cry when he feels sad. If Steve objects just tell him to shut up.

He would be out of my house making comments from the 90s like that. Fuck off homophobe

The “crying like a gay” would piss me right off but when I start counting my boys know i mean business. They’re now 16-23 and Ive never got to three. I also have a no smacking policy so it’s not that they fear physical punishment (but they might get told to tidy their bedrooms)

I wouldn't like that either...I don't like overly strict step parents anyway. I tried being strict with my stepsons (not calling them gay etc) and it didn't go well so I gave up

I don't think people shouting homophonic and misogynistic shit is acceptable and I believe it is absolutely everyone's job to point this out.

That's not butting in. It's standing up. There is a difference.

As fir 'the mum is happy with it so it's not your business '
What's he was snacking the child and mum was ok ?

Oh heck. This kind of talk is misogynistic and homophobic and may shake this little boy's sense of who he is. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries or telling him he mustn't do something, but not like this. But the man hasn't done anything illegal or reportable so the best thing you can do is mention your concern to your sister every time it happens and hope her eyes open and she takes some action.

Can you speak to your nephew's bio Dad? Failing this,I wouldn't hesitate to report this to social services.

Maybe he did need a firmer hand. Do you think he's being hit or just that Steve is sticking to boundaries he's set? And rough play, can you give an eg?

You can’t discipline them like a NT child. That just leads to them not learning anything and masking their feelings until they realise ignoring will get them no more punishment and then you have lost control

You have to sxplain why something needs to be done or not done and why and actually get down to their eye level

You also have to make sure they run around every few hours and on the whole put more into raising your child than a nt child

I have 2 with ADHD and I can honestly say they have never been disciplined. They are adults now (early 20s) and both in management positions at work looking after 100+ staff

I’m pretty sure you’ve described raising any child?

How does this man treat your sister? Does he control her at all? Even if he doesn't she is unlikely to leave him as she will no doubt perceive that her son is better behaved with Steve in their lives and that, without him, she'd have to rear two children, one with additional needs, by herself. If he does have any degree of control over her, then that makes it even harder.
It does seem like your sister is happy to hand your son over to other people, perhaps because she finds him difficult to manage. As others have said, can you see him on a more regular basis without Steve around and perhaps without your sister as well?
As others have said, you could report it to the school's DSL as well. Many children mask at school and explode when they get home. In your nephew's situation, it may be the opposite as he may feel (although not be able to express) that school is a safer environment.
Is the younger one at nursery yet?

The rough play was rough enough to make him cry, he then gets humiliated by homophobic comments. Why would a child need that kind of “firmer hand”.

1.You have to sxplain why something needs to be done or not done and why and actually get down to their eye level. Yes, I had to do that regularly with my two NT children, just because a child is NT doesn't mean you never have to explain things to them!
2.You also have to make sure they run around every few hours and on the whole put more into raising your child than a nt child. Shockingly NT also need regular exercise or it can affect their behaviour. My NT kids certainly had to get out and about and burn their energy off daily or they would have been climbing the walls at home.
I am not sure if you just gave really poor examples but your points could refer to NT/ND equally.

What news about step parents, please?

OP didn’t say that. The words used were “over hyped”.

Adding my voice so you can see how many of us believe your instincts are sound, OP.
Talk to DS, bio dad or the school, and keep an eye on the situation.
The gay/girl comments are vile. But the control he has over the little boy is arguably more sinister.

It is your business. Trust your instinct. Too many abuse cases where the mother's partner (not the natural parent) abuses a child. Keep a close eye. Visit more often. Don't look the other way. Report it anonymously if required.

That would be a bundle of red flags for me too. Nothing about that is ok.