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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being uptight?

155 replies

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

OP posts:
Onlyvisiting · 27/12/2024 12:54

Yanbu! That isn't enjoying lste nights, that's fecking nocturnal! And totally to reasonable to expect a toddler to adapt to that much of a disruption to her routine, so it is pretty shot of your DH to just leave it all to you.
But I'm fascinated/horrified by their routine, is it just on holidays or are they always like this? Do none of them have jobs or school during the year when they need to keep more normal hours?

Runningoutofthyme · 27/12/2024 12:56

this is so weird, can your dh not suggest some day time trips out to his family?
why isn’t he spending time with his dc?

Original poster
MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:57

I don't know what they are all like in their day to day lives but whenever the family get together it's like this. Up until this year they would sit down for Xmas dinner at 9pm. I told them DD isn't doing that so they moved it earlier for her.

In 12 years I've never known any of them to go to bed before 12pm, ever!

OP posts:
MumChp · 27/12/2024 12:59

I would tbh be looking up next plane home.

Strawberries86 · 27/12/2024 13:00

It sounds like your DP is regressing and forgotten he’s a dad! Wake the twat up and hand dd over to him. He can’t opt out of parenting.

OnGoldenPond · 27/12/2024 13:04

That's very weird. Are they all vampires??

RelaxTheCacks · 27/12/2024 13:04

That is a bloody nightmare, I would be gone home already and I sure as hell would announce it's not happening again.

Pineapplewaves · 27/12/2024 13:04

I'd book a flight home, if your DP has decided to join his family and leave you and DD to entertain yourselves then there's no point you being there. Come home and enjoy your remaining holiday with your friends and family.

I wouldn't be happy with DP for ignoring me and our DC.

MalbecandToast · 27/12/2024 13:11

This sounds awful, toddler or no toddler! I too would go home.

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2024 13:15

I would just go home
What's the point of you two being there?
DH should at least take over for the afternoons so you can have a nap and relax

Also as an immigrant myself, going home a few times a year is pretty good. You don't all need to go for the whole holiday period.

Spaceid · 27/12/2024 13:19

I’m a night time person and we generally always have dinner around 2100. We go to bed around midnight in general, but later on special family occasions or with friends. We would never get up at 1400 though! That seems excessive, how much sleep do these people need?! Our toddler usually goes to bed around 1930-2000 and gets up between 0700-0830 (unfortunately no afternoon nap here!).

I think there could be a happy medium. Personally I would hate an early dinner, but your husband does not need to stay up until 0800. I think you need to talk to him about it so you can enjoy your day together and you’re not doing all the childcare.

Vettrianofan · 27/12/2024 13:23

Our neighbours do this with friends and family next door...they will sleep in and keep talking and laughing loudly until 2am.

We had to go round to them beginning of December to tell them to tone it down as we go to bed 10pm. And up 6am any day of the week.

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/12/2024 13:28

I seem to be an outlier here, but I think that it sounds fun. Love a bit of variety.

BarbedButterfly · 27/12/2024 13:48

My partner's family are the same and so am I. We are all night owls and when we don't have work we are all nocturnal. I can see how it would be hard with a baby though. They can do as they want but your DH doesn't get to opt out of parenting

Sirap2 · 27/12/2024 14:39

If that's what they do that's what they do. You're bound to be on a totally different schedule given that you have a small child. Your DH is the problem here. He shouldn't get to totally fit into their lifestyle and forget about his own. I wouldn't have gone on a trip like this with a small child.

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 18:23

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/12/2024 13:28

I seem to be an outlier here, but I think that it sounds fun. Love a bit of variety.

It doesn't sound fun when you're looking after a toddler on your own all day. You can't be up at 7, look after a little one all day and then stay up all night. OP is right to expect her husband to do his fair share of childcare in the day - doesn't she deserve a rest and a break too?

Frangywangywoowah · 27/12/2024 18:25

What a waste of going away...I would really begrudge my leave.

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 18:27

Yeah changing routine wouldn't have worked for my kids when they were under 5 and would have been a total nightmare.

Not sure what to suggest op. Sounds like a chore more than a holiday.

Jostuki · 27/12/2024 18:29

A young child staying up 'late' one night for a special occasion is fine but for a whole holiday it would be dreadful and you are right to stick to your routine.

It's lovely that your husband wants to spend quality time with his family but it's at the detriment of being a father to his child and supporting you.

Personally I would get a ticket home asap with your child and leave your husband there.

GuessingGownaGoGo · 27/12/2024 18:30

I have a similar all night family. When mine was small I'd stay in a cheap hotel nearby and just let my family carry on and do their thing. Meet them for the 'awakest' bits (4pm-10pm) then I'd go back to the hotel and get proper sleep with babby.
It was fun - doesn't happen so much now everyone's 15 years older and heading for their 70's!

AngryBookworm · 27/12/2024 18:31

Christ. Absolutely not. I'd tell my DH that's the last year and next year he has a choice: help you with childcare or you don't go (and you get a few days for yourself later in the year). You can even alternate between the two options. That said, I have a vision of him dragging you along and promising to help, then failing to keep his promise... So if you don't want to do that, feel free not to. I'm sure it's hard living in another country to one's family but he can't just decide to opt out of parenting for ten days (or at least if he does, he could do you the courtesy of allowing you to solo-parent in a familiar environment).

Slimshady44 · 27/12/2024 18:33

My idea of a hellish Christmas. You would be better at home with your own family and friends.

Original poster
MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 18:44

Thankyou all for your replies.

It does suck, DH got up at 5pm and hasn't even enquired as to DDs day.

It was the same last year and I was promised that this year would be better. I was promised that he would be getting up with us and spending time with us but 3 days in and that hasn't happened

For context during the week he works away Monday-Friday and I do everything around my full time job, so I do feel resentful that my Christmas break is more of the same

He's busy playing cards with his family now getting ready to go again, so I will put DD to bed and then get him alone to let him know I'm going to fly home with the baby and he can stay until the new year

OP posts:
ImmortalSnowman · 27/12/2024 18:46

I'd be telling him to expect divorce papers when he gets home. Useless husband and worse father. At least paying CM he'd be contributing something.

BeanyBops · 27/12/2024 18:52

ImmortalSnowman · 27/12/2024 18:46

I'd be telling him to expect divorce papers when he gets home. Useless husband and worse father. At least paying CM he'd be contributing something.

100% not uptight and yes please go home! I understand how easy it is to enjoy time with family and get a bit carried away but he's absolutely thrown you under the bus here. He's done it before and presumably you'd talked about it being difficult for you, so he's fully aware. He's also sacrificing a lot of time with his daughter at Christmas to be with his family instead, which is really sad. How are they getting to know your child with this lifestyle? Why doesn't he care about that? Red flags all over the place. So sorry, OP. You sound like a great mym and your child is lucky to have you!