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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being uptight?

155 replies

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 31/12/2024 10:54

YANBU even 1%, this sounds awful. I've stayed with family even without all the super late nights and it's always hard with little kids, being in a different place without the home comforts and trying to have routine. Especially when the family don't understand.
Your husband is being unreasonable not helping you out. He can see his family plenty without the 5pm get ups

Marblediamond · 31/12/2024 11:00

I would only go for a fee days for Christmas, return home and leave DH there. This arrangement doesn’t work for you and DD. Or book a hotel/airbnb for you and DD, share some time with them but not all the time

UnicornBubble · 31/12/2024 12:14

Extended family, it’s up to them what they do but they cannot expect you to change to their ‘routines’.

Your hubby however is obviously neglecting his parental responsibilities. If he wants to stay up until 8am, fine, but that doesn’t mean he gets to sleep for the rest of the day as he has a toddler to look after!!

I think it is totally responsible for you to insist on specific ‘rules’ for when he can have his late night extended-family time and when he is around for your family time.

E.g (although different situation)
My hubby goes to watch his local rugby team on Saturdays, he started staying at the clubhouse for drinks. I had a conversation with him that this took over from family time (which we only have weekends for), so we came to the agreement that home games, he comes straight home afterwards, and away games he can stick around for drinks and have the whole day out if he wants to.

i know it’s not quite the same but there needs to be a balance, where he can have those late nights now and again, (sometimes being allowed to sleep in if you agree, but he has to be prepared to be knackered when parenting the other times!).
The rest of the time is your little family time, where he is present and attentive (with no whinging!!)

CautiousOptimist · 31/12/2024 12:17

God that sounds awful, if I was in your shoes and doing all the work with a toddler with no support I'd rather be doing it on my own at home, I wouldn't have gone.

Doggielove · 31/12/2024 12:18

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

It sounds like it’s a different culture, and then you have the time of year. and that’s the clash

i don’t t think you have to defend anything. You sound like you know what’s best for your child so be sure in that and just carry on

doenst sound much fun for you

CrayonCritic5 · 31/12/2024 12:26

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 09:24

Record each and every day for yourself - the times your dh woke up and how much he interacted each day. Do this for yourself so you won't be made to be some mad, overreacting woman.

This is disgraceful of your husband. I would actually just leave and never do this again. Fine if the rest of the adults want to behave like this but your dh is pathetic. He's just dumped you with all the responsibility when it's meant to be family time and a holiday for you too. You would be perfectly reasonable to never do this again. What a pathetic man.

And I dont think it would be petty at all to ‘cash’ all those hours in. Obviously OP you want to be a consistent parent for your DD and you’re not just going to swan off but if ever you need some me time, it would me more than fair and appropriate for him to pick up that slack.

CocoapuffPuff · 31/12/2024 12:27

I'd not have gone, based on the knowledge that this had happened before. Now he's reneged on his promise to actually BE a parent instead of a brat, I'd be packing and heading to the airport with my baby. He can stay if he wants but I'd be getting myself out of that situation as quickly as possible. Might as well be a single parent in your own home.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 31/12/2024 12:57

What a completely ridiculous set up. What is wrong with people. Youve got a baby FGS.

I wouldve left by now - in fact, I probably wouldve stayed at home to begin with.
Put your foot down next year.

helpmyback · 31/12/2024 13:28

Hope you are OK OP and made it safely home.

My first reaction was fuck that shit but then I read your update and we need to k know if you are ok!

sashangel · 31/12/2024 13:57

I think it is a continental thing.

My neighbours have their children and grandchildren over for Christmas and new year. We are going to bed at 10 and you can still hear the adults and kids next door. They are all up till 1-2am (occasionally later). Then you don't hear anything till about noon.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/12/2024 14:48

Please tell me you're on your way home now?

Also why don't you get your DH up earlier to look after his own child during the daytime?

4forksache · 01/01/2025 10:30

I remember being in a similar situation once when dd was a baby. It was so terribly boring without the comforts and facilities at home. No tv either as it was all in Italian.
sympathies.

frecklejuice · 01/01/2025 15:56

How did it go @MyPurpleHeart? Did you go home or just ride it out?

Mrsgreen100 · 01/01/2025 18:04

Culture different, that’s just how they roll
in same situation years ago , my DD did long siesta and slept on my lap at the long late dinners etc
and coped ok tbh

Nikki75 · 01/01/2025 18:17

Feel for you with your little DD I couldn't put up with this from family.
Your DD is so young too and needs her sleep and rest as you do .
Hubby needs to check his behaviour and remember he has a DD and yourself to think about .. good on you for flying home I'd do the same .

Lolnic · 01/01/2025 18:48

Clearly you have never been the parent of a 19 month old 🙄

Iceboy80 · 01/01/2025 19:06

This is just ridiculous, what is up with that family, weirdos

GivingitToGod · 01/01/2025 19:12

BarbedButterfly · 27/12/2024 13:48

My partner's family are the same and so am I. We are all night owls and when we don't have work we are all nocturnal. I can see how it would be hard with a baby though. They can do as they want but your DH doesn't get to opt out of parenting

THIS

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/01/2025 19:21

Lolnic · 01/01/2025 18:48

Clearly you have never been the parent of a 19 month old 🙄

Who's that to?

peacockshrimp · 01/01/2025 19:23

….are they vampires by any chance?

im also from a rather nocturnal family but cannot imagine that with a 19 month old. The routine changes around my young children whenever we visit. You should be getting help not only from your husband but his broader family as well. Don’t feel you’re being uptight - I honestly would not go again!

Pinkpeanut27 · 01/01/2025 19:24

I’m going to say yes you are being a little uptight . Now don’t get me wrong I would absolutely be the same so I totally have your back here ! For me I was dead set on strict routine with my kids it was the only way I could manage ( and it was my choice how I managed ) with 3 kids and a workaholic husband ! So I made my choice and was judged to be uptight .
I would have hated the schedule you mention .
however as I’m assuming it’s your dhs family he should be allowed to enjoy it for a while . But he should absolutely man up and be a daddy and husband and make sure you don’t spend the whole time looking after your cranky kid ( out of routine ) whilst not getting a break or proper sleep .

mine are older now and more self sufficient I. These circumstances but I really do remember those days . So yes you are being uptight but no not unreasonable baby’s need structure and routine

croydon15 · 01/01/2025 20:19

Not a pleasant holiday for you l would not bother going again.

pollymere · 01/01/2025 20:32

I had this. What made it worse was that if DH did take DC (just the one) then they would be given to some random female to look after and he'd be plied with alcohol and expected to stay up. He did protest but was considered rude if he didn't stay.

I spent one trip just really getting by on very little sleep at all. I can't even promise you that it got better or easier as my DC got older. My suggestion would be that you only do Christmas OR NY in future and think of something you can do as a small family unit for the other.

Buffs · 01/01/2025 20:34

YADNBU. Your DH getting up at 5pm when it’s both of your holidays and you being left in sole charge of the toddler is not acceptable.

Meltdown247 · 01/01/2025 22:03

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

After 12 years YABU. Just go for a few days and let your DH stay on. You obviously knew what you were getting into over 12 years so suck it up now. As you say these are rare trips.