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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being uptight?

155 replies

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

OP posts:
Overthebow · 27/12/2024 18:58

Your DH is being very unfair leaving you to it and sleeping all day so you are not being uptight about that. But, you’ve known his family for 12 years and they’ve always been this way. I don’t think you can expect them to act different now. I wouldn’t go again though, it isn’t a child friendly family.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 27/12/2024 19:23

They're on the gear

strungouteyes · 27/12/2024 19:25

Strawberries86 · 27/12/2024 13:00

It sounds like your DP is regressing and forgotten he’s a dad! Wake the twat up and hand dd over to him. He can’t opt out of parenting.

This!!

CornishPorsche · 27/12/2024 19:34

He got up at 5pm?!

Fuck that. Get a flight home tomorrow without him. At least you'll get some rest and your own bed!

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2024 21:12

It's even sadder knowing he sees so little of your DD normally and still can't make an effort while on holiday

Incenseda · 27/12/2024 21:29

Clearly he has zero interest in you, his child and family time.

Well done for going home.
What exactly is the point of him if he is never around and has no interest in his own child?

Time for you to protect yourself.

fruitypancake · 27/12/2024 22:28

Sounds like an absolute nightmare OP- just make sure you don't forget it when they suggest doing it again next year !
Also rubbish that DH isn't spending more time with you

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/12/2024 22:53

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 18:23

It doesn't sound fun when you're looking after a toddler on your own all day. You can't be up at 7, look after a little one all day and then stay up all night. OP is right to expect her husband to do his fair share of childcare in the day - doesn't she deserve a rest and a break too?

Show quote history

I just don't see why adjusting DD's routine for the holiday is such a red line. Awake time would then be more aligned and problem solved. I think OP should stop being such a sticker for routine and try to get involved in the fun.

katmarie · 27/12/2024 22:57

Because it's never as simple as adjusting the routine for a few days. By the time they actually managed to get her used to a.later bedtime they'd be coming home and having to change it back again. And on top of that if she's anything like my kids, you could.put her to bed at 7, 8, 9pm and she'd still be up at 7am, just cranky as hell all day which is even worse.

The dh here has basically opted out of parenting. I'd be furious, I'd be coming home, and telling him not to bother doing the same.

GerbilsForever24 · 27/12/2024 22:58

DH's family are also late night owls. First christmas we spent with them with DS, MIL kept banging on and on about how I should let him stay up (he was 1, he didn't care) etc etc. Until eventually I said that I had no problem with him staying up .... if she was going to take over the additional night time wakings we would suffer through as a result.

I get it. My DC are now much older and the can quite easily stay up late and then sleep in the following day. So the late nights bother me less. But when they were tiny, that wasn't an option and it pissed me off that I was made out to he the bad guy while simultaneously being the one who had to do the night wakings and get up early in the morning.

Needless to say, the real problem you have here is DH. In my DH's defense, when this sort of thing happened he backed me AND he took his turn at the early wakings/ night wakings. Yours is just having alovely little jolly with his family while leaving you and your DD to do your own thing completely. what a prat.

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 23:02

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/12/2024 22:53

I just don't see why adjusting DD's routine for the holiday is such a red line. Awake time would then be more aligned and problem solved. I think OP should stop being such a sticker for routine and try to get involved in the fun.

Show quote history

That doesn't work with every child. Some children need routine otherwise they are tired and irritable in the day. OP has already said it's not fun for her because her DH is abdicating all parenting responsibilities to her while he gets pissed with his family.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 27/12/2024 23:08

Go home!

Purpleturtle46 · 28/12/2024 07:44

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 27/12/2024 23:08

Go home!

That sounds like my idea of hell! You are not being upright at all. Your husband sounds like a shit Dad tbh. I would never go back again if that's what I had to put up with.

Purpleturtle46 · 28/12/2024 07:45

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/12/2024 22:53

I just don't see why adjusting DD's routine for the holiday is such a red line. Awake time would then be more aligned and problem solved. I think OP should stop being such a sticker for routine and try to get involved in the fun.

Show quote history

It's not just a case of an hour or 2 here, they are literally staying up the full night!

Purpleturtle46 · 28/12/2024 07:47

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

What do the other 2 kids do?

Tel12 · 28/12/2024 07:50

I'd hand DD over to DH and go out for the day. It's ridiculous to expect you to go through this what sounds like an ordeal.

Owly11 · 28/12/2024 08:12

I would have gone home on the first flight I could and wouldn't do it again. Next year have Xmas day at home and the your dh can go see in laws by himself on 26th or 27th.

KindLemur · 28/12/2024 08:25

I thought you’d say they want you to keep your dd up til like 9/10pm and you weren’t happy about it but you actually seem willing to be pretty chilled it’s just that their night owl routine is ridiculous! You can keep a toddler up all night and put her to bed at 8am unless you’re in a&e or on a long haul flight that’s just cruel, I’m not one for routine, my 2 yo has a very loose bedtime and is very chilled and good at going to sleep wherever we are due to this but I would never expect her to basically become nocturnal just to facilitate family being able to see her whilst they get pissed and play cards ! Did you sort your flight ?!!

KindLemur · 28/12/2024 08:26

Should say ‘can’t’ keep a toddler up all night

Zanatdy · 28/12/2024 08:31

I’d go home too. The family clearly value staying up all night drinking over spending time with your DD, and same goes for her father. I wouldn’t sit there bored all day, if it’s not too costly for a new flight then yes i’d go home, and I’d be going for 2-3 days next year and having serious words with my DH about him not helping with parenting. It’s not acceptable to stay in bed all day when you are a parent.

Eenameenadeeka · 28/12/2024 08:45

Not being uptight at all, it sounds awful!

LogicalImpossibility · 28/12/2024 08:56

Even if you could make your toddler temporarily nocturnal, it doesn’t sound like the adults would engage with her - drinking and card games aren’t toddler compatible.

I suspect they all have the night owl gene, and their DC were the sort of toddlers who play happily until they fall asleep in a corner of whatever room they’re in. I know toddlers like that, they do exist.

Sounds like you’ve got a toddler like mine, who needed routine, a cot and a dark quiet room otherwise they screamed with tiredness and didn’t sleep, and then were too over tired to do anything (eat, sleep, play) the next day. So it was a stressful screamfest for days, for one late night.

dunroamingfornow · 28/12/2024 09:05

I'd be tempted to arrange your flight home and just leave. It'd be interesting to see how long it would take them to notice you'd left.

Pipconkermash · 28/12/2024 09:16

It does suck, DH got up at 5pm and hasn't even enquired as to DDs day.

This is genuinely appalling. I think the fact that he works away means he doesn’t feel that he has to do anything for his child. He’s a self-serving prick. Fly home, start the new year as you mean to go on, without that weird nocturnal cunt in tow.

Sassybooklover · 28/12/2024 09:20

You and your husband don't live in this country full-time, so are on your own time-frame. Your in-laws can't expect a 19 month old child to adapt to their way of living for a few weeks. That's unreasonable. Your husband is also being unreasonable expecting you to solely parent his child, because he's decided to go on 'in-laws time'. He's not a man without responsibilities any longer, he has a child. He needs to stop being selfish, and understand that he actually needs to parent his own child. Going forward once this visit is over, you need a serious conversation with him regarding his attitude and working out a compromise.

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