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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being uptight?

155 replies

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 31/12/2024 09:43

What is happening with the other three children in all this? Are they staying up all night? Who is seeing to their welfare?

Peachy2005 · 31/12/2024 09:44

Hope you made it home ok @MyPurpleHeart - your DH is shocking. He didn’t have to stay up to the bitter end every single time.

MerrilyOnhigh · 31/12/2024 09:47

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 18:44

Thankyou all for your replies.

It does suck, DH got up at 5pm and hasn't even enquired as to DDs day.

It was the same last year and I was promised that this year would be better. I was promised that he would be getting up with us and spending time with us but 3 days in and that hasn't happened

For context during the week he works away Monday-Friday and I do everything around my full time job, so I do feel resentful that my Christmas break is more of the same

He's busy playing cards with his family now getting ready to go again, so I will put DD to bed and then get him alone to let him know I'm going to fly home with the baby and he can stay until the new year

You should remind him of his promise and tell him he will be in charge of the baby all day tomorrow so he might like to remember to go to bed early.

Summerlovin24 · 31/12/2024 09:50

YANBU at all.
Fair enough he wants to let his hair down with family for a night or 2 but he is taking the piss. It is hard work looking after a toddler all day and if you kept her up she would be a nightmare and guess what you would be doing the childcare with an extra grumpy toddler. He has a child now yet he is being incredibly selfish to you. I wouldn't want to be doing what he is, I loved spending holidays with my kids and prioritised time with them. Do not go next year. You would be better off at home with your home comforts and friends to see. Plan a day to do something for yourself when u get home and leave him in charge.
Don't have a 2nd child with this man. He is a selfish bastard

Annabella92 · 31/12/2024 09:51

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/12/2024 13:28

I seem to be an outlier here, but I think that it sounds fun. Love a bit of variety.

Fun if you didn't have kids maybe. They sound like teenagers

localnotail · 31/12/2024 09:52

But you must have known this is what is going to happen - you say they have always been like this? Did you discuss it with your husband before going?

I'm not blaming you, it sounds exhausting, and your DH is being a twat - but it looks like it was expected?

Why both of you thought it would be a good idea to go?

NewFriendlyLadybird · 31/12/2024 09:52

No, you’re not being uptight. Your DH is being super unreasonable though.

I remember being furious when the Italian side of the family told us, while in the UK, that we put our children to bed ‘too early’. Stuff that.

MalbecandToast · 31/12/2024 09:56

I hope you have booked your flights home OP.

localnotail · 31/12/2024 09:56

I actually had this with my Mediterranean friends - they could not understand why I could not simply stick my toddler in another room (where he would magically fall asleep by himself) and continue partying. Their kids, apparently, just slept whenever at parties, no problem at all. Bedtime also - mine always went to bed at 9pm (quite late by English standards) but it was never late enough!

Moveoverdarlin · 31/12/2024 09:57

There’s no way I’d put up with this. Does he know your pissy? When you pass him at 8am I would say ‘Fuck this shit, no way am I doing this again, next year you come on your own.’

BuildbyNumbere · 31/12/2024 09:57

So what did you do in the end? No further update provided??

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/12/2024 09:59

Not uptight. I'd be fuming if my husband got up at 5pm, so effectively ignored my toddler 10 out of the 12 hours they were awake.
It's not the same as if they were somewhere with a different time zone :

  • in a different timezone getting up in daylight helps you get used to it. They are missing all the daylight
  • if you go somewhere with that change of time zone (Australia / NZ) you generally go for more than a week
  • even if they could get a toddler to completely flip their hours, what they fuck can they do to entertain the toddler in the middle of the night when everyone is drunk? You couldn't go out a walk, to the park, or anywhere. A toddler isn't going to want to be around adults drinking and chatting for hours on end

He has put you in a shit situation. He could have compromised eg stayed up til 1 with his family, which is seeing them for 11 hours if they wake at 2pm, got up at 9 and spent the morning / afternoon with you

Someone who is happy to ignore his own child over Christmas doesn't sound like a great dad or partner...I'm sure this can't be the only selfish thing he has done - how are things normally?

Emmz1510 · 31/12/2024 09:59

OMG this sounds like a living nightmare! Most toddlers could probably adapt to a couple of late nights with a lie in the next day, but this constant turning day into night is just hopeless for her. What are the other kids doing? Yeah my first thought was just to leave And what a twat your DH is. What a lonely, exhausting and miserable ‘holiday’ for you.

GabriellaMontez · 31/12/2024 10:02

The whole thing sounds ludicrous. This sticks out straight away.

DH only gets to come over a few times a year

So what? Lots if people only visit their families a few times a year (within the uk). It doesnt give him a licence to behave like this.

Hope you made it safely home.

localnotail · 31/12/2024 10:10

I can imagine this is a traditional Greek or Italian family, house in the middle of nowhere... And the type of set up where men dont do much childcare. But still, your DH sounds very selfish. You will need to have a word with him.

I can't believe that his family are so heartless that no one offers any help to you. They must have noticed you are missing out? I would either go and stay in a hotel somewhere in town - at least you would have something to during the day - or go home, as people here have suggested. You need to show them that you are upset.

CosyLemur · 31/12/2024 10:13

Honestly you knew from previous visits that this is how they are - you could have easily changed your DD's routine it's what 1000's of parents do every day when they go on holiday to different time zones; it just takes planning!

MimiGC · 31/12/2024 10:15

What country/ culture is this where adults stay up all night, literally sleep all day and have so few children?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 31/12/2024 10:17

He needs reminding he has responsibilities now and that he promised it would be different this year.

I’d also be going home and getting things in order to separate. This is no life for you.

BettyBardMacDonald · 31/12/2024 10:18

Pineapplewaves · 27/12/2024 13:04

I'd book a flight home, if your DP has decided to join his family and leave you and DD to entertain yourselves then there's no point you being there. Come home and enjoy your remaining holiday with your friends and family.

I wouldn't be happy with DP for ignoring me and our DC.

This.

Why do you even go?

I treasure the long Christmas break and would not let anything interfere with that.

peachystormy · 31/12/2024 10:20

Sounds rubbish if it was me I would want to go home !

TwinkleLights24 · 31/12/2024 10:30

No way would I go again. Your DP getting up at 5pm is disgusting.

Iamnotalemming · 31/12/2024 10:35

Spain?

Anyway, YANBU. I'd be miserable too. If you can get an earlier flight without too much trouble I'd take it.

CarminaPiranha · 31/12/2024 10:38

I experienced this with my son when he was born. It was a cultural thing and everyone had their babies and kids up super late in that instance - it was so normal in that culture. I was really worried at the time, trying to stick to my own way of doing it, but looking back now realise it was just a short time (we weren't with them all the time either) and has not impacted him negatively in the long run. He now really values that he has a mixed cultural heritage and experience of both sets of traditions and ways of doing things. Sounds like you're doing your best to keep your daughter happy and your DH is reconnecting with his fam. It is only for a short time thankfully, although I can see how it would get you tired being out of sync and doing all the parenting for a bit. perhaps when you get home he can make it up to you by taking over so you can have a bit of r n r on home turf!

Lilactimes · 31/12/2024 10:52

CarminaPiranha · 31/12/2024 10:38

I experienced this with my son when he was born. It was a cultural thing and everyone had their babies and kids up super late in that instance - it was so normal in that culture. I was really worried at the time, trying to stick to my own way of doing it, but looking back now realise it was just a short time (we weren't with them all the time either) and has not impacted him negatively in the long run. He now really values that he has a mixed cultural heritage and experience of both sets of traditions and ways of doing things. Sounds like you're doing your best to keep your daughter happy and your DH is reconnecting with his fam. It is only for a short time thankfully, although I can see how it would get you tired being out of sync and doing all the parenting for a bit. perhaps when you get home he can make it up to you by taking over so you can have a bit of r n r on home turf!

I agree with this too.
sounds exhausting but hopefully you can get a break when you’re home x

Aberentian · 31/12/2024 10:54

My family are pretty nocturnal and 7-7 with a nap has never been anything approaching "standard" for my sleepless demon children, but even I would struggle with this, and I'm one of the most nocturnal people I know! My kids will stay up till midnight sometimes even toddlers, but going to bed at 8 am and getting up at 2pm just feels horrid after a while. Your DH is so unreasonable to be leaving this to you. I'm from a big close clan and live overseas and understand the fomo he'll feel from going to bed earlier, but he just has to. It's not forever anyway. When the kids can get their own cereal he can switch back again! There's a middle ground like 3am - 11am would still give him time to go out with you and help.

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