AIBU to worry about this amount of screen time? Think I've fucked up a bit...

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

My son is 6 and I've realised I think we let him have way too much screen time. I think it's affecting him negatively. I'm so ashamed to say he has had a tablet since he was 3 and he has YouTube kids. Usage has crept up and he'll probably have between 1-2 hours every day (and honestly it's often more, in holidays especially). YouTube, Geometry dash, some limited Roblox in the last two months, random games from Google Play.

He's never been good at playing, and
I feel like I've exacerbated that issue with the tablet. It used to be that videos would give ideas of things to draw or play (e.g. dominoes) or he would learn stuff about space or science. But as he gets older, he watches more total trash. He isn't good at entertaining himself and I worry that's because he's used to the tablet and the endless stream of entertainment and flicking from thing to thing.

It's difficult to fill his time - he's clever and curious, wants to do things rather than play, but can't ride and hates the bike/scooter, can't swim and too anxious to have lessons so far. Too anxious/no interest in clubs or anything. But now at home he's just constantly looking for the tablet, bored, can't think what to do.

Am I right to be worried about the tablet affecting his ability to develop these skills? DH thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and doesn't actively do much to help develop his playing/interests.

I want to have a reset and drastically reduce the screen, but it makes me so anxious (which is ridiculous, really). How much screen time do you give your kids? What do they do on screens? What do they do/play with in the house - how independently do they play at 6?

You could not let him have screen time at all, it's not compulsory. He needs to get out of his comfort zone and have lots of exercise and fresh air.

I think it’s too much. But you can just stop! It doesn’t take long for children to get used to new the status quo.

I’d go no Roblox whatsoever, and an hour of tv or light and harmless gaming - that should be the max for a six-year-old per day.

At six, mine had no video games at all (I know that’s not easy) and never more than an hour of tv unless unwell / holidays and watching a movie. No tablet, it was all actual physical tv in the living room. But I was stricter than most - though I knew kids who had less.

firstly, well done for recognizing the issue! Don’t feel ashamed. It’s so easy to slide into too much screen time for kids (and adults!) I’d say that at 6, ideally, your kid wouldn’t have screen time even every day. I’d limit it to weekends, and then maybe 1-2 hours a day max.

my kids are 7 and 9, and their usage has been up and down, depending on how much energy I’ve had at different times. (We’ve moved around and at some times where things were tough they got too much screen time). At the moment, we’re at screen time Friday, Saturday and Sunday, around 1-2 hours each time. No screens Mon-Thurs. It works well with some completely screen free days.

brace yourself that it’ll be hard for a few weeks when you introduce the change, but kids are very adaptable, so stand your ground and remember you’re the one in charge! Offer to play with him instead, maybe line up some play dates. If he whines he’s bored, (my DS, 8, does this a lot) just say no one Eve died of boredom and let him be bored. Kids can’t expect entertainment non stop it’s unhealthy.

Thanks - I do play with him, it probably doesn't sound like it, but I spend hours and hours playing with him and his brother every week. I take him out to parks/soft play/the pool etc. I think I'm part of the problem, coz I get really exhausted by doing stuff with them and when we are finally home I can't find the energy to do more. I'd like him to be able to read, play, draw without input when at home. Is he too young for that?

Ps: before my comment makes anyone feel bad, kids had lots more screen time
now over the holidays, DH and I treated ourselves to some well deserved lies ins and they had screen time for around 2-3 hours both on Boxing Day and today in the morning.

I'd be more concerned about the lack of balance, no clubs or anything to build social skills and confidence. Have you tried anything like Beavers?

I understand, doing things w them is exhausting! What about your partner, can he do more w them? I loathe board games, but DH is good with them so especially when they were younger he did that a fair bit.
at 6, he can absolutely play by himself for extended periods of time without a screen. But he needs to get used to it. Maybe try setting up new fun things - like show him a new place to build a den, give him some cardboard boxes and felt tips to play with, at that age DS loved Brio tracks and could play w them for at least an hour at the time, I let him use plants as well to create a forest for the trains to drive through. Bat time fun is good too! Let him take toys into the shower and play with, maybe get a tub they can sit in if you don’t have a bathtub (we didn’t). One thing DS loved was when we got an old tube/pipe thing and he used it to slide cars down inside, also, smaller planks and prices of wood which he build tracks with. Kapla is a great toy too for extended and creative play.

But really, the key is also other kids- just invite lots of other kids over, and they’ll entertain themselves. May make a mess and it likely won’t be quiet, but I think that having lots of friends over for your kids is one of the best things you can do for
your kids.

Does he have a friend or cousin living nearby? It helps when they have other children to play with.

I let DD (5) self-regulate and some days she has a LOT of TV, usually when exhausted from school, clubs and exercise, but most days she chooses not to – but I’d certainly cut back if she lacked interest in other things. The difference is she scoots, cycles, swims, crafts like a maniac and does lots of independent play. In your situation I’d definitely cut it back.

We do regulate WHAT she watches: no Cocomelon or mindless stuff, but at 5.5 she’s able to watch a film so why not?

I don’t think 1-2 hours is bad if he’s getting enough sleep, exercise, reading, all the other things you need to fit in.

In terms of encouraging independent play or him wanting to do things, DD watches Emily’s Wonderlab which is science based and then wants to do experiments. She has her own patch of garden to grow things (dig holes). She can read but it’s tiring so she has a Yoto that she uses to listen to books and chooses that over screentime. No tablet. Lots of Lego, marble run, craft stuff. Lots of exercise books so she can learn stuff.

I have to say I didn't really restrict screen time with ds (who is now nearly 18) he picked up the xbox controller at 2.5 years (no one else used it at that point) and never put it down.
However I didn't have any concerns about him he played well, played outside a lot on bikes etc, played football and rugby went to clubs and did well academically. He's doing A levels now and is a typical teenager who still likes gaming.

With dds I don't remember limiting screen time but it wasn't as much of a thing then ( they are in their 20s) but when it became more popular they had what was available as did everyone else.

I also didn't do a lot of playing with them dh did that mostly, at home there's a lot to do who is making their dinner if I'm on the floor playing games however I read to them helped with the homework etc and tried to be as available as possible. But I wasn't superwoman.

We've had quite a few bumps in the road but I'm proud of how they've turned out and screen time hasn't made any negative impact on their lives as far as I can see.
If screens didn't exist maybe they would have turned out differently but they do exist and we can't do anything about that.

I think it’s too much. I regretted allowing my dc on a tablet aged 8 as they were also the type who would be glued to it. I think half an hour tv before bed is better.

Most children can colour or do play dough or something in the kitchen when you are cooking so you don’t have to play with them constantly at home.

I did used to play board games with mine or play in the garden after tea (obviously not in the winter) as it was worth the investment from me to avoid them being hyper and unsettled at bedtime. Yes it is exhausting!

It’s really worth it when they are only 6 like your child. There will come a time when they will be gaming and on technology a lot and you won’t have so much control over it.

My dc are young adults now and they are not outdoorsy or very active at all and it is a concern but if they were 6 I could do something about it. Try your ds with swimming lessons even if they are anxious as the instructors are used to that.

At age 6 you need variety and push out of comfort zone so whilst he has no interest in a scooter, him a cheap one off market place and get out there. Simarly you can go off walking exploring a park, a nature reserve, by the coast etc. we loved doing that when our kids were 6.

Try doing different clubs whether it's after school at school as they must offer sports or other stuff or private clubs like beavers, a martial art, dancing, gymnastics and swimming - it's a safety thing as well as learning to swim which is non negotiable at that age.

Board games, puzzles, craft, Lego, gravitrax etc are all good stuff for imagination, creativity and fun.

Just cut back gradually on screens as it won't come as a shock to him then.

Thank you for all these replies. We have most of the toys mentioned, and reflecting on these replies I think maybe I feed into his natural tendency to be anxious and avoidant. The swimming pool took almost two years of going before he actually got some enjoyment out of it, so sometimes I feels like a real trial to do things rather than being enjoyable for anyone. And then DH just says "if he hates it, why are we pushing it". Hence why he can't ride his bike yet.

He has a younger brother and they do plenty of jumping and running and shouting and wrestling (and fighting). They love the paddling pool in the summer, he does play for a long time in the bath as well.

I see other kids doing all those things PP mentioned - swimming lessons, dance club, scooter at the park, Beavers etc, and I feel bad. He's so shattered from school still even now, he is really resistant to going anywhere after school. He is happy to play with me in the house, but any mention of a club and his face drops and he starts tearing up and babbling and asking a million questions and saying saying "do I have to go?" I feel like I'm letting him down, with him lacking confidence so much.

It's a bit concerning that you say you're tired a lot of the time and your son too, do you have good sleep routines?

He sleeps great. I don't, because my younger son still wakes every night. I also get very easily worn out from being out and doing things, and interacting with people. I've always been like that, but it didn't really matter until I had the kids. I think my son is like me, easily exhausted by being around people. But maybe I'm projecting.

Every kid is different and there are plenty who have thrived despite lots of screen time and plenty who have done poorly despite playing outside all the time. It’s about your kid not the group consensus on the evils of technology on MN. I would say though that if your kid does thrive on and enjoy technology, don’t just let them play trashy games non stop, mix it up with doing digital painting, edutainment games, puzzle games, making their own videos and animations, or even those apps that let them make their own games. Not all screen time is equal in quality much like standing around on a street corner isn’t the same as mountain climbing.

Is it very unusual that a 6 year old doesn't go to any clubs or after school activities?

It wasn’t unusual in my day in the 80s. Almost no one did unless it was football for the boys or brownies for us. And it didn’t do us any harm.

I would be worried not so much by the quantity of screen time but the content. Youtube is pure shite - I have noticed a dip in my kids’ behaviour whenever they spend lots of time on it - and Roblox isn’t great. Proper TV programmes and movies are much less harmful IMO, at least they have a plot and require attention span.

In terms of other activities - one of my DC was like yours at this age, couldn’t handle a lot of clubs and socialising, was tired a lot (there were medical reasons). Age 5/6 was probably peak screen time for her as she was too tired for clubs and didn’t have homework yet. Gradually things changed and she now is very busy and has very little screen time.

So do what’s right for him now but be prepared to change the rules and reduce screen time and increase other stuff as he gets older and hopefully has more stamina.

My DS didn't. Just couldn't cope with it.

He probably had more screen time than he should have, but he loved Star Wars and would watch part of a film, then play that same scene on the Xbox Lego Star Wars game, then get down on the floor and recreate it all with actual physical Lego. Over and over.

He wasn't a child who played well on his own, he always wanted us to be involved, even if it was sitting on the settee while he played on the floor with his lego.

He was adopted, had many issues created by neglect etc. and subsequently found to be ND, so there was a lot to unpick.

My advice is try to ensure there are alternatives on offer to screen and try to encourage him to participate, which he might do once he gets used to the idea, but if you push too much initially you may put him off totally.

I just tried to make sure that my DS was generally doing stuff that he enjoyed.

I would more concerned that he isn’t doing any of the other things you listed like playing, swimming, bike riding, sports etc. If he was doing those alongside playing Roblox or whatever that wouldn’t be an issue to me. I would try and up other activities and there will naturally be less time to be on screens.

Not at all. DD is Y1 and only just dipping her toe, but aside from swimmingshe prefers being at home and gets exhausted by being overscheduled. Needs-must for some after-school stuff because of working hours but most of the kids I know aren’t doing loads; the kids I know who have clubs every day are the ones I avoid inviting to play dates because they have no idea how to play independently, they’re so used to activities being laid on. The non-club kids shoot off with her to play; the club-goers lurk around me saying “What shall I do? What is there to do?”

Also! For us, Yoto is a game changer for when she’s too tired to play but needs a screen break. And she’s already spent hours this holiday with a Where’s Wally book, without asking to play phone games (which she’s not allowed but wants!)

I think cut the gaming first then work on the quality of screen time so it’s an active thing – films and storylines, science and educational shows, not just hypnotism via telly.

DS is 6 he doesn't have a tablet/console, he asked to watch a Christmas film this morning and we realised he hasn't watched anything since the day before Christmas eve. It's really not compulsory. We also don't tend to just have the TV on, we put it on to watch something then it goes off again.
I'd be concerned about a 6 year old who is too anxious to try and ride a bike/scooter or go to a swimming lesson and too anxious to go to clubs or activities. Are you sure this is anxiety and not just preference for screen time?

I don't regulate DD (8)'s screen time. But she does go to after school club, breakfast club, Brownies, swimming and dance. At home we make she does her instrument practice, spelling, reading and homework. We also take her out at the weekend. She also independently does a lot of craft and Lego so we just let her go on her tablet/watch Lego when she wants. Kids are all different. It depends on how they respond to the screen time.