AIBU to worry about this amount of screen time? Think I've fucked up a bit...

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

My son is 6 and I've realised I think we let him have way too much screen time. I think it's affecting him negatively. I'm so ashamed to say he has had a tablet since he was 3 and he has YouTube kids. Usage has crept up and he'll probably have between 1-2 hours every day (and honestly it's often more, in holidays especially). YouTube, Geometry dash, some limited Roblox in the last two months, random games from Google Play.

He's never been good at playing, and
I feel like I've exacerbated that issue with the tablet. It used to be that videos would give ideas of things to draw or play (e.g. dominoes) or he would learn stuff about space or science. But as he gets older, he watches more total trash. He isn't good at entertaining himself and I worry that's because he's used to the tablet and the endless stream of entertainment and flicking from thing to thing.

It's difficult to fill his time - he's clever and curious, wants to do things rather than play, but can't ride and hates the bike/scooter, can't swim and too anxious to have lessons so far. Too anxious/no interest in clubs or anything. But now at home he's just constantly looking for the tablet, bored, can't think what to do.

Am I right to be worried about the tablet affecting his ability to develop these skills? DH thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and doesn't actively do much to help develop his playing/interests.

I want to have a reset and drastically reduce the screen, but it makes me so anxious (which is ridiculous, really). How much screen time do you give your kids? What do they do on screens? What do they do/play with in the house - how independently do they play at 6?

Ditch the Roblox, I used to let DS on it with all the parental controls in place but still some of the stuff he found on it was really was not age appropriate at all. And I believe it's even worse now, I read somewhere they changed the parental controls so they are even more lax now. Honestly I'd just delete it.

Same with you tube, even the kids one I found DS behaviour went downhill whilst watching that. He'd find the most mindless crap to watch on there, whilst not necessarily inappropriate for his age but just absolute trash. He's got Disney and Netflix now when he does get screen time, and it's easier to monitor what he's watching and also you get an idea of how long the various episodes are so you can set limits ie one episode of whatever he's into & then time to turn off

The best thing for a child that stands back and observes rather than joins in is to help them achieve. Help him ride a bike, ride a scooter, swim, climb the high monkey bars at the park. Keep telling him he will make mistakes but that's ok, let him watch you go wrong and resolve the problem. It sounds like he's worried about making a mistake so is paralysed with fear and it's stopping him from enjoying being a child.

I really think you need to get him started on swimming and bike riding now before he gets old enough to be self conscious. Mine started swimming at 5.5 and wouldn't even put his face in the water at first. He was definitely one of the older ones there. It was very much non-negotiable and he soon learned to love it. Can your child ride a balance bike? I don't really understand how you can learn without one but they get too small around age 6. There will be a few children who still can't ride at age 6 but by Y3 the bast majority can so I'd try to tackle it soon. My child is probably the most anxious in the class so I understand that side of things but you do need to push them and try to develop good habits before the draw of a tablet is too much.

Lego set are brilliant.
Get lots of craft and toys out and switch the internet off and no TV access.

Try putting on an audiobook in the background and giving him paper to color draw or Lego while he listens . I found it hard to keep them going when they were little without resorting to screens but once they found the audiobooks they would spend hours listening to them.

He's ' never been good at playing ' , he's had a tablet since age 3!
He's anxious at 6..too anxious to do normal child like things ..total reset required. Get some parenting books/ advice / friends for him and start again. Put the tablet in a lockable box and throw away key. And don't give him a phone.
Gift him a childhood

Get rid of the tablet completely and only allow it on long road trips. Limit to bbc games and stuff like that. Allow 2 hours tv on a normal tv. Not Netflix, something on iPlayer, it's better for little ones. He's only 6 and he will adjust. Lots of us have made mistakes with screen time. Correct it and move on. He will make a fuss, it won't last longer than 3 days. Good luck.

Maybe try the radio or similar while playing? We have a tonie which is used daily either for songs or stories. To encourage self directed play try doing in bits. We used to start off playing with ours then ask them to continue while we popped off for a few minutes then returned. Gradually built up the time in the middle where they played on their own but still talking with them and encouraging etc. Maybe try give directions - can you build a house/tower or whatever

Oh and leave puzzles, activity books, toys out. He will play with it in the end or ask him to help you cook etc..

Audiobooks are so fab.

I think it’s about balancing the screen time with other things. My son watches 20 mins in the week (when I’m doing my makeup and hair in the morning) but at weekends we let him watch a movie a day or similar - and this week/ next I’ll let him watch more. But he does loads of clubs - swimming, gymnastics; tennis, football and ballet, and is at school pre and post school so has long days. At weekends we often do a family activity play date and play at home too. so I feel like overall the balance is fine

Ahhh @Ihaveneedofwaternear don't be so hard on yourself! He sounds like a sensitive kid - I have one too and they're lovely but it's hard sometimes isn't it!

My son is 5 and very sensitive - nursery/school and Paediatrician suspect Nd (for various reasons, not just anxiety) but we're years away from any formal confirmation, we just do what we can to support him.

He doesn't have a tablet but does watch telly, probably 1-2 hours a day give or take - sometimes it's a bit more, sometimes it's genuinely nothing. He doesn't yet know about YouTube, it's still iPlayer or Netflix/Disney. If you're feeling uneasy about the tablet maybe swap to TV and take off YouTube so at least he's watching with you guys and "proper" programmes he can focus on for longer rather than flitting between short clips which (I believe?) are meant to be "worse" for the brain?

For clubs etc, it's really hard because you don't want them to miss out but also, they're little kids and things are meant to be fun, if they're getting upset it can just feel pointless/mean to keep going. We had massive success this past year with 1-1 classes for Swimming and bike riding. D's loved the bike lessons - I know people judge us for "outsourcing" but with his needs we found he responds much better to a third party showing him stuff and it really helped his confidence too, just chatting to another person during the lesson. Swimming was... Intense. He had 1-1 with a Sen instructor, it was expensive but we wanted to make a start as our efforts at the pool weren't going anywhere. He'd have a meltdown before each one BUT by the 3rd lesson (out of 10) he was recovering well and fully engaging with them. We're saving for another block in the spring. Would he maybe like Squirrels/cubs? It didn't go well for us but 2 of his friends do it and love it, ours always need parents to volunteer to stay too, if that would help?

Also, does he just maybe need "directing" a bit at home? My son will constantly ask "what can I do?" And I'll give him some options, if he's still struggling I'll literally get out the Lego and we'll sit together and after a bit he's away, building, getting his figures and doing sprawling scenarios and hardly needs me at all, he just needs help getting going. He's apparently the same at school, fine when they're doing set things in a routine but "free play" or out of routine stuff he seems to really struggle with.

An hour a day is fine.

It only becomes an issue when their ONLY activity involves sitting on a screen. THEN you know you have a problem.

As long as he's doing other stuff then an hour or so a day on age appropriate games is ok.

I work with children this age. They do not all play in the same way. Some don’t do imaginative play, or arty play. Some like to learn coding (good use of technology), Lego, science kits, etc. Some don’t like swimming and bikes for sensory reasons as they feel unsafe with their feet off the ground. I would explore the anxiety issues a little, and see if he can explain what he’s worried about. I’d definitely have a look at coding games for young children and let him have the iPad for a certain amount of time for that. YouTube and Roblox you can remove.
Also worth asking at school if he plays with others in the playground?

At 6 there's a huge range. There will be kids doing 4 or 5 clubs a week, and some doing none. But I'd say its rare to be doing nothing at all - most are doing one of something like swimming/football/dance/gym.

It does depend as well how much school takes out of your child. An introverted child or one who struggles academically, may come away from school simply too exhausted to manage an activity after school. A child who finds the academic/social demands easy, may have plenty of energy left for hobbies.

Agree on the swimming. I couldn't have lessons as a kid due to ear issues and was advised by my consultant not to. Then when I got the all clear the school lessons had finished. Parents were never really invested in us so it was never mentioned about possible 1 to 1 private lessons or whatever. I then never thought to learn whilst at college or university when I had all the time in the world. Then boom have kids and thought how the F am I going to get them out of a lake if they fall in or we get stuck in the car in a ford or whatever. A little bit over the top but all probable scenarios. I finally got my head my ass and started lessons just before Covid. Everything then stopped and now can't find anything locally that falls on days I'm not working or an hour away. Absolutely frustrating and pathetic really not being able to swim. As soon as DD turned 5 she started lessons and DS when he turns 4 is starting. It's none negotiable for me and although they have both been fearful of the water at various points they need to learn at this age and not as a nearly 40 year old.

I definitely notice our kids behaviour worsen after screen time. Simple as that, sadly :(

They lose the ability to connect and reason with each other, and us. They are high on the dopamine that screens give them, and find it harder to manage their emotions.

The only way to undo the damage is.... a total screen detox. I know this sounds awful, but it is an addiction and needs to be treated as such.

Well done for spotting it early though. It's hard to reverse at first, because your son will absolutely crave his screen. He will be upset, and that's understandable. You will have to be strong.

A good time to start a 'no screens' policy would be a holiday or weekend away. Then explain to him you're going to continue it when he gets home.

Teach how it's ok to be bored. In fact it's healthy and necessary.

Put some extra effort into playdates and activitities together for a couple of weeks, to help him adjust to the new way of life.

I'm excited for you both, it's hard but SO SO worth it

My DD1 has no interest in learning to ride a bike. We've got a lovely bike, cost a fortune, we've always asked if she wants to go ride it, tried to take her out to teach her, but she is just not interested in the slightest. So we stopped bothering. Some stuff like that isn't really worth pushing if a child just isn't interested. Maybe she'll want to one day, who knows!

DD2 on the other hand loves her balance bike, always trying to climb on big sister's bike, gathering dust in the corner. She's just a much more physical child.

DD1 is very creative and crafty and logical and good at Lego. She's not one for organised sports but her imagination and ability to create things out of nothing is amazing.

I don't think you ever need to push activities they aren't naturally interested in. Not being able to ride a bike isn't really that big a deal if you have a child who doesn't find enjoyment in it anyway. But finding something that appeals to them is important I think. Stuff like Lego club, coding, learning a language, music, geocaching (DD1 loves this a lot!).

Thank you for all these thoughts. I feel reassured in some ways, that I've done a lot of what's suggested. I have tried and tried with the bike and scooter. Tried to make it fun, tried to build up his confidence, even bought my own bike. Take it slow, left it and tried again a few months later, gone out with friends on their bikes. Same with swimming, I have been trying. Clubs, we went to some where adults could stay. He tolerated them, but clearly didn't enjoy them. Didn't want to go back. Pushed through a block of six once and he literally cheered in the car at the end of the last one coz he didn't have to go back 🤣

I do set up lots of activities, kinetic sand, slime, dens, "the pit" (sofas pushed together filled with cushions and blankets to throw yourself into), Lego etc. He never gets absorbed and builds rambling scenes or anything. But he does do it, especially alongside me. Usually builds a maze or something. Once it's built that's it. Goal achieved. End of play. He does play, he's just very poor at self-directed, independent play. He's he's had a tablet so he 3, but he'd only have half an hour in a 15 hour day, so lots of time I was playing with him and taking him places. I realised when I had my second son, who would just go to the park and play on stuff happily, how different my older boy is from that. He'd often wander aimlessly at the park, trace numbers in the mud, want to leave. I don't think the tablet has caused the issues, I think it exacerbated them.

The anxiety is a big thing, I think. I do push him outside his comfort zone, but that's to do stuff like go on the bus, go to the pantomime with school, go on the school trip to the zoo. I know a PP said not to label normal ups and downs of existing as "anxiety", but that's what it looks like to me. Ruminating. Crying about upcoming events for several days beforehand. Shaking. Feeling sick. He developed some terrible motor and vocal tics for 18onths, which have resolved. Bringing up past things he's found hard from as long as 2 years ago.

But I am completely at fault for the tablet time, YouTube, and Roblox. Well, his dad let him have that, I would have said no. I'm going to try a reset, and push to explore his interests.

Not unusual at all. None of us did clybs until secondary school. ( Which we joined and got ourselves to). My DDs did brownies from age 7. DS did cubs. None of this scheduled fun constantly

They all swam but I took them. Not swimming clubs

If he prefers more structured stuff than free play (I'm terrible with open-ended Lego stuff or anything like that, I need to follow instructions) then the Lego kits where you make specific things are good. My nearly 6yo can do the 3 in 1 creator ones by herself, with just a little parental support for tricky bits. Craft kits that have specific steps to follow. We get a Kiwi box every month that has kind of STEM projects to do together. We do geocaching together, finding hidden caches out in the world. It's a great way to get them out on walks without them realising! And DD1 and DH play Pokemon Go together, which is maybe a halfway house - it does involve a screen but you have to get out and about and walk and explore. They can be out for hours just the two of them sometimes, walking all over to catch Pokemon.

Is there a chance he has Autism?

Leave them to play and be bored a bit when you're in that's how you spark creativity and invention it will get easier.

He saw a paediatrician when he was just turned 4, who said no. School have him on their SEN register because they have noticed some anxiety and need for a bit of extra help. I don't know, really. He's very bright and flying academically. Not a school refuser. Got some pals at school. He is still in nappies overnight (another long project where the tried many things). He's not the best eater, but there's an ok range of stuff he'll have. I don't know, really.

I think the concern here isn’t so much quantity as quality, which you obviously feel yourself! One to two hours is at the higher end of what I would personally allow but I would be wary of some of the things he’s watching / doing.

Roblox in particular I would immediately stop. It’s one that a lot of child safety experts warn against because of the risks associated with grooming and inappropriate content.

I would also limit screen time so that it’s less tablet and more tv. The thing that really wrecks concentration spans is being able to flick between media as soon as it’s no longer really grabbing them - episodic tv is better than YouTube for that reason. You can exercise more control over what he watches. Best practice is to sit and watch with him so you can both engage and it has a social element.

I would also make sure that screen time is regularly broken up and mixed with other activities so that he has a good variety in his day. Make sure he’s getting outdoor time, exercise, imaginative play, reading, crafts etc alongside the screentime, so that it’s just on of many options and not always the default.

The good thing about screen time concerns is that you can start limiting his use at any time. He will massively object to begin with - screens are addictive and he will struggle with the transition. You have to stand firm. You’ll both be so much happier and more content when it’s on a more restricted basis and you can feel good about the level he has access to.