AIBU to worry about this amount of screen time? Think I've fucked up a bit...

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

My son is 6 and I've realised I think we let him have way too much screen time. I think it's affecting him negatively. I'm so ashamed to say he has had a tablet since he was 3 and he has YouTube kids. Usage has crept up and he'll probably have between 1-2 hours every day (and honestly it's often more, in holidays especially). YouTube, Geometry dash, some limited Roblox in the last two months, random games from Google Play.

He's never been good at playing, and
I feel like I've exacerbated that issue with the tablet. It used to be that videos would give ideas of things to draw or play (e.g. dominoes) or he would learn stuff about space or science. But as he gets older, he watches more total trash. He isn't good at entertaining himself and I worry that's because he's used to the tablet and the endless stream of entertainment and flicking from thing to thing.

It's difficult to fill his time - he's clever and curious, wants to do things rather than play, but can't ride and hates the bike/scooter, can't swim and too anxious to have lessons so far. Too anxious/no interest in clubs or anything. But now at home he's just constantly looking for the tablet, bored, can't think what to do.

Am I right to be worried about the tablet affecting his ability to develop these skills? DH thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and doesn't actively do much to help develop his playing/interests.

I want to have a reset and drastically reduce the screen, but it makes me so anxious (which is ridiculous, really). How much screen time do you give your kids? What do they do on screens? What do they do/play with in the house - how independently do they play at 6?

My boy is 8 and I have to limit youtube and gaming it makes him ratty and moody.

I think you're reinforcing the message that he doesn't need to try things he doesn't like if you keep not taking him anywhere when he cries. What he needs is to go to a club/activity and be successful.

I never regulated it for 18 year old DS either and he isn't glued to screens at his age. Again though, he played football a lot, did other sports, was always an active kid and spent nearly every day in after school club and played out with friends a lot. I don't think it's anything I did as a parent with either of them, it was just their personalities.

I think it’s fine that he doesn’t do clubs, as long as you make sure his life doesn’t keep him always 100% in his comfort zone. The trouble with a lot of screen time is that it does keep them always in that mentally safe space. They don’t have to make any social or imaginative effort which means they become deskilled.

As for alternatives, I’d say it depends on personality. Some kids just need the screen to be made unavailable and that prompts their imagination to spark. Other kids really just need a lot of input or to be set up with activities. But it’s much easier for it to happen if the iPad is ‘broken’ for a while!

My DH was never "made" to do anything as a child. It shows now. He's nervous in lots of social situations, really struggles with plan changes, can't just 'roll with it' and embrace stuff.

He really resents his parents for not forcing him to do some stuff and wants to make sure our kids do things.

Not at all - my five year old plays, draws and does lots of simple reading/writing activity books. I would suggest a big overhaul if that’s what you want to do and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If you want to keep some screen time , find some good quality tv that has slow pacing and prosocial stories eg Bluey and have a set amount of that so he knows he’s getting some screen time and you know you have that break too. YouTube and gaming I would completely avoid at that age. I wonder about getting them involved in household tasks too - like a scavenger hunt when you’re packing, reading the instructions when baking etc. everything takes longer but it’s entertaining them while you get things done!

I'm pretty relaxed about screen time. But our kids do a lot of stuff outside the home: DD1 does swimming, Rainbows, French lessons, forest school some weekends. So when she's at home I don't really mind what she does. She sometimes might have a day with lots of screen time, other times she won't go near a screen and do crafts all day. We just let her self-regulate because she has a balance in her life.

The screen time feels like more of a symptom. He's too anxious to do any classes or activities? That would concern me. Some kids are introverts, I was one of those kids, but being so anxious he doesn't want to do any of those things would worry me a bit, as I think it's easy for screen time to become something for anxious kids to disappear into and feed the anxiety further. He doesn't have to do sports stuff if he's not interested, but there's lots of other stuff he could do: Lego club, Beavers, language classes, introduction to coding classes.

DS didn’t do a lot of out of school activities, but we got him along to a drama class and it was brilliant for his confidence.

i think it’s worth encouraging him to at least try some activities - if he never has to do anything he doesn’t want to do, it won’t set him up for real life when he’s older.

My kids are 10 & 7. I don't allow Roblox. It's 'rooms' created by unknown real people, with chat with randoms. I also don't allow YouTube anymore after my youngest had ended up watching quite violent Lego shorts and eldest ended up watching women finding out they're pregnant. We had a good chat about algorithms and ending up somewhere different to where you started. My eldest asked me to take it off her tablet and youngest was happy with that too.

Yes, I think it’s too much, and working with that age group I worry a lot about young kids and screens and certainly any 6 year old who can’t occupy their time quite easily without screens at home. I would do a total reset - remove the tablet altogether, and allow TV only at weekends or something like that.

For reference my 6 year old this morning has built Lego, read to hineself, made an alien costume out of cardboard and other craft bits and bobs and charged around a bit with his brother. This has all been entirely self directed and is what I would expect. He gets 15 minutes of tablet time at week which is me being a bit weak to be honest as neither of his older siblings got the same at that age. He does watch TV several times a week but if I had any sense that was affecting his imagination or creativity it would go as well.

I’d just add that my kids have almost no screen time (we watch films occasionally but that’s it. No gaming, iPad, tv) and they really vary in terms of how good they are at entertaining themselves. My DS who is 8 really likes a lot of input from others, either siblings, friends or parents. He really struggles to just do things alone. My solution to this is to get him to help me with things like washing up, cooking, gardening.

DD1 is nearly 6 and today she's not really had any screen time, she spent a while setting up a 'pet rescue' in her bedroom with soft toys that we all had to visit, then she's been doing craft stuff that we got her for Christmas - she painted some squishies and now she's doing some hama beads. She'll probably play some
Switch later and we might watch a Wallace and Gromit together.

But that's all been led by her, we haven't said she can't watch TV or use her tablet, she just hasn't chosen to do it today as she has lots of other stuff she wants to do.

These responses are really eye opening and thought provoking. Thank you, everyone, for all these comments. I think I have been pandering to his anxiety for quite a while, now that I think about it. Maybe that's not quite the way to say it, but maybe I don't push him as much as I should.

All these lovely examples of things your kids are doing it what I wish for. My younger son plays like that, but my older one just never had, even when he was tiny. He was more about moving his body, getting messy, lining up/arranging/ordering toys. He's never set up an animal rescue centre with the cuddly toys or act out a scene with the Lego characters. I think his style of play does limit what he'll do a bit - like PPs say, I need to find stuff that fits for him.

Similar situations here OP. I get tired very easily so taking my two boys out when they were younger would wear me out more than them sometimes. Then I'd be short tempered with them. I'm have iron deficiency and take supplements but some days are just bad, esp if I'm on my period.

Also, my son is naturally anxious and avoiding, but he's nearly 11 now and is a totally different boy now to when he was six. I felt so guilty for him not doing any clubs - a mixture of him not wanting to do any, being exhausted from school (he's an introvert so all that socialising wears him out) and Covid.

I have two screen fiend sons and a gaming DH who doesn't see a problem whatsoever. I worry it'll damage them long term but am a lone voice and have kind of given up.

Anyway, try not to panic, there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Ds found football and a team he is loving it. We take him to training and matches and he does after school football. He hated swimming at 6 so didn't do lessons like his brother. I didn't want him traumatised. So we taught him ourselves on hols, waited for him to mature, and when he was 9 we went abroad on holiday where the kids found friends and they helped to teach him to swim! He was relaxed and happy and it was joyous to watch. And he now loves swimming and the pool (he had lessons at school for free, too). We must have saved a fortune and lots of tears.

Oh, and all these suggestions of hosting play dates...my ds doesn't like hosting. He finds his friends can be too excitable and overwhelming, so they're few and far between.

You are the best mum for your son, so trust your gut, be kind to yourself and your energy and if you want to make some changes then go ahead. But please ditch the guilt, it's a wasted emotion.

Does sound like he might be a bit reliant on screens. Has he always been an anxious child or is the anxiety a result of the unpredictability of an activity?

I've got a 3&5 year old. They have a limit of 2 hours a day, included within that they have a 20 minute limit on YouTube as it's ridiculously addictive. The tablet doesn't work before school and gets switched off for the day at 5pm (we use Google parental controls for the timers). They don't get to use the full two hours in-between school and 5pm. They are expected at 5pm to do chores i.e lay the table for dinner and feed the cat.

I'm not overly worried about the screen time usage as the eldest does Rainbows one evening and a swimming lesson on the weekend. Also at a weekend those two hours are still set, once it's gone its gone they don't get more.

My 6 year old only does swimming after school. He doesn’t do any other clubs because he doesn’t want to and he is quite tired a lot of the time.

I think tbh the amount of screen time matters less than the content. Mine are absolutely not allowed on YouTube (kids or otherwise) because I hate that mindless scrolling/fast forwarding etc.

They are allowed to play on the Nintendo switch (like Mario or animal crossing) but not online.

They watch tv or films but again I’m quite strict with what they watch, no American, stroppy teen shite, no Tracey beaker because my eldest especially seems to then think it’s ok to behave like that.

I also set timers if they want to play mindless iPad games like snake or bubble pop.

I don’t think you’re too far gone btw, just adjust his habits. You’ll know whether cold turkey is better for him or whether reducing it is better.

You'll get lots of replies saying their kids only have 30m at the weekend or something, but research into screen time for kids shows that your aren't alone.

Many kids are on screens most of time they are awake, or it's constantly on in the background. It's not something I aspire to and I try to keep screentime 'reasonable' but it's probably a couple of hours when added up, sometimes more, sometimes less. More in winter and on rainy days, less when it's glorious and they almost live in the garden.

No, I don't think so. People talk a lot about all the clubs and extracurricular activities their kids do. But many don't shout loudly enough about the fact their kids don't do any IMO. We are all different, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing zero clubs. If he knows he can join them then that's enough. I'd bet money on him wanting to do something when he's around 10/11. My ds sounds exactly like yours, and he is almost 11 and has been doing Taekwondo for two years and is doing his second season of playing football in a club. An anxious introverted six year old is Happiest at home, and that's OK OP.

Haven't read the full thread, but if it hasn't been said already, boredom is so important for children. That's how they get inventive and come up with things to do. There'll be moaning to begin with I'm sure so you can stage some things to begin with.
Kinetic sand
Rice
Paints
Water bowl play
Slime/playdough
They are sensory activities which help with regulation.

My lot ask me " what are we doing when we get home?" And I say " I'm doing xyz, what are you going to do?"

In response to moaning I give ideas and then say it's not my responsibility to provide continuous activities (mine are between 8-12)

I’ve got a very similar child albeit a bit older now. Never interested in toys particularly or small world stuff, not interested in the least in any clubs or organised fun. Has had anxiety in the past.
Firstly you need to sack off the wrong type of screen time. These children won’t do anything else if screens are an option. We were a very busy going-out type family, and when you’ve been out 3-4 hours then you’re all tired of course putting screens on seems like a good option but then you create a dynamic where if you’re in the house you’re on a screen.
What has worked for us
decide what screens were acceptable and what weren’t. Roblox creeped me out as a concept so we never had that. YouTube absolutely not, that’s complete brain rot IMO - the short videos endlessly loading themselves up, the algorithm feeding you more and more.
The crap games, usually free if you watch loads of ads - again, brain rot and encourage endless flicking to the next game. And some of the ads are really unsuitable.

Mine used to watch a lot of YouTube and one day panic just overwhelmed me as I saw them staring at it glaze-eyed and I just thought this is killing my kids (I’m nothing if not overdramatic) and I leapt across the room turned it off wailing like a banshee. They were both a bit shocked tbh and just accepted it!

I didn’t mind proper, well made games like Minecraft, Disney Dreamlight valley, animal crossing, the Lego games, Fifa etc.
Proper long form telly and movies

DS found football and became obsessed with that and for football would tolerate going to clubs/training sessions and now goes to football 4 times a week and plays in the garden a lot. He tried other things but they were just torture. Also play dates are great. Cooking was another thing he always enjoys joining in with, board games as well.

Definitely don’t give in to the anxiety on swimming and bike riding. These are life skills and as he gets more physically confident he may then find more joy in other sports?

Don't go cold turkey, phase it back but replace the time he would spend on it with quality time with you. Games, walks, time at the park etc instead. He will protest a lot for a short while while he transitions.

A bit ? You fucked up big time, woman! You'd better try to cut down on screen time immediately before your child end up being an uncommunicative brat.

You may find that doing more builds his stamina up.

I agree, they need to be bored to fuel imagination. Put out a clothes house, some blankets or sheets, sofa cushions, or get them underneath the table with a sheet. Initiate making a den then leave them to it, the den can look as they want it and function as whatever they want. It's important to encourage playing alone.

If you've got a large box left over from Christmas deliveries get them to make it into something, decorate it as a plane, a train, a spaceship whatever, once the game is initiated back off and leave them to play.

Also try to stop using 'anxiety' so much, we all feel uncomfortable being out of our comfort zone but can recognise the positives retrospectively. When DS achieves something out of his comfort zone talk about how good it was he pushed himself and what he achieved by doing that and how proud you are that ye did it even though he felt nervous. Him feeling anxious is not a get out clause. You feeling anxious that he'll feel anxious is not a get out clause. Unless clinically diagnosed recognise that feeling anxious is another feeling like happy, sad, nervous, excited and we all feel this way at times and can't let it stop us leading our lives.