AIBU to worry about this amount of screen time? Think I've fucked up a bit...

[Ihaveneedofwaternear]

My son is 6 and I've realised I think we let him have way too much screen time. I think it's affecting him negatively. I'm so ashamed to say he has had a tablet since he was 3 and he has YouTube kids. Usage has crept up and he'll probably have between 1-2 hours every day (and honestly it's often more, in holidays especially). YouTube, Geometry dash, some limited Roblox in the last two months, random games from Google Play.

He's never been good at playing, and
I feel like I've exacerbated that issue with the tablet. It used to be that videos would give ideas of things to draw or play (e.g. dominoes) or he would learn stuff about space or science. But as he gets older, he watches more total trash. He isn't good at entertaining himself and I worry that's because he's used to the tablet and the endless stream of entertainment and flicking from thing to thing.

It's difficult to fill his time - he's clever and curious, wants to do things rather than play, but can't ride and hates the bike/scooter, can't swim and too anxious to have lessons so far. Too anxious/no interest in clubs or anything. But now at home he's just constantly looking for the tablet, bored, can't think what to do.

Am I right to be worried about the tablet affecting his ability to develop these skills? DH thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion and doesn't actively do much to help develop his playing/interests.

I want to have a reset and drastically reduce the screen, but it makes me so anxious (which is ridiculous, really). How much screen time do you give your kids? What do they do on screens? What do they do/play with in the house - how independently do they play at 6?

I may have missed it, but I don't see a mention of books or board games?

I may be old-fashioned, but both of mine ended up big readers because I always made a big deal out of reading and library trips. They see me read, sometimes we do "family reads" where everyone joins on the sofa with a book, Santa only brings books. Boys do like something different to read compared to girls; mine liked Minecraft guides (which then led to better gaming skills), comic books, Pokemon manga and Horrid Henry at that age.

Board games can be a huge range and take into account all sorts of ability and concentration levels. Play Uno, dice games or trading card games for short stints, Mastermind, chess, checkers or Cluedo for logic-based games, Monopoly or Ludo for competitive ones and Twister or charades for body-movement ones. There'll be something they like and can play with you.

I'm afraid both involve a bit of work from you, at least to start with. Teaching independent reading is time-intensive, but the pay-off is worth it. My eldest didn't like reading for quite a while but we persevered. My younger one took to it more easily, but I was lucky in my book choices.

Both my kids game, but so do I, so we share this as a family.

Oh, and drag then out for a walk. It doesn't matter where to, that's down to what you enjoy. Could be parks, city breaks, walks on the beach, walks through a Heritage site. Your child's optician will thank you.

Thanks - we have a lot of games, he got quite a few for Christmas. He doesn't really read story books for pleasure, but I try to encourage it. He struggles if the story starts going badly and wants to stop! But I'm trying different types of books, and he LOVES fact books about science, space, dinosaurs, human body etc, and Minecraft books, or "Find the..." Type books.

I read that if you do screen time the thing to avoid is handheld screens:

• An hr of tv means he can be playing at the same time as watching.
VS
• An hr of tablet where his hands can’t play as they’re holding it. ( Or even with a stand he can touch it, whereas he can’t touch the tv.)

Tv also means it’s easier for you to monitor what’s on for the hour.

Screen time does make them have anxiety.

Everyone on this thread is so wholesome. Maybe I have survivors bias but I watched hours and hours and hours of TV as a child (parents did a lot of DIY renovating a wreck of a house) and I think I turned into a relatively well balanced human being (good career, did well academically, have friends etc.) I remember coming in from school and watching tv from 3:30 until 6, eating dinner and watching more until bedtime.
I have a 3 year old who is only allowed "normal" TV (no tablets or whatever because we don't have one) but after an hour he'll generally get bored with it, and walk into the playroom to play with his toys. It just seems to be another activity to do, and I don't particularly limit it.
So maybe it is the type of screen time that is the problem rather than the quantity?
I don't know, I'm not judging.
But just providing some balance that I really don't think you've done a dreadful thing by letting him have 2 hours a day of screen time...!

I have 6yr old twins. One isn’t interested in screens, but the other loves TV and computer games. I don’t limit their screen time. NICE recommends a limit of 2hrs a day screen time for 5+ years olds, but that doesn’t include educational time, and they acknowledge that quality is more important than quantity, so time limits can arbitrary.

My screen-loving twin goes karate, guitar lessons and a portion of his screen time is his maths homework and spelling app. I don’t bother stressing about it when he is active, intelligent and social. I also don’t allow any access to kids YouTube – it’s far too unregulated and I’ve seen some really dodgy things on there. I also don’t allow online gaming or free roaming on the TV. He has an iPad and a Nintendo Switch.

I would also say though that you do need to a) push him to try at something and experience some success at it (1 to 1 may be the way to ensure this) as the "anxiety" probably is just normal emotions of feeling like he can't do it/will be bad it & he needs that motivation of success
b) do this sooner rather than later with things like swimming & bike riding. Ds had a friend who's mum & dad let him avoid swimming lessons and it got where he was the only one of his peer group aged 9 who couldn't swim, it then all became even harder because he was very demoralised by being worse at it that children of 5 or 6, the beginner lessons at the leisure centre were full of 5 year olds so he didn't want to do them etc.

The children in my DCs friendship groups who are the most confident are the ones who've stuck at hobbies for longer and thus acquired some competence at it, whether that's having done a load of badges at beavers, passed a violin exam or been man of the match with their sports club. They've also stuck at it long enough to have had a few set backs/bad days and overcome them.

That confidence & resilience then extends to other activities even where they are new things they aren't skilled at yet.

No, it doesn't. It really depends on what screen time is used for.

An hour a day isn't too bad in this day and age, but they need to have routines for this and other ways of occupying themselves.

OP, drop Youtube. Find a good game for them to play. The Lego, Sonic and Toy Story series all have an element of logical thinking to them, as well as plenty of replay value. Or invest in an old-fashioned game boy and get them gaming on that (the old games like Tetris and Loony Tunes and Zelda are amazing for their level of both action and logic - CEX do some really good deals). If it's an hour a day it won't do harm. I still maintain that my Tetris skills helped me so much with spatial awareness, and it's been proven that gaming can help with fine motor skill and spatial awaeeness skill development. There is plenty of age-appropriate stuff out there.

If there’s no clubs/ activities then it’s all on your family, so playing games, getting him outside or to do art, giving him a football or art stuff, or Lego or baking with him etc etc. it’s so difficult but then once you break the cycle it means screen time will be a break for both of you!

@Skethylita I must have imagined that swiped documentary then. And that panorama one.

mhawny.com/2022/11/23/modern-day-parenting-how-screen-time-affects-your-childs-mental-health/#:~:text=Anxiety%20and%20Depression,have%20peaceful%20and%20quiet%20minds.

@Carouselfish That page says "Kids who spend 7 hours a day on screens" - that's a level that can be seen as neglectful as I doubt they get much parental interaction. It's almost a third of their daytime, or all their waking time taking into account school time, food etc....
Context is everything here.

I don’t think clubs are important - as a PP said upthread it’s other kids that matter. Do you have neighbours with kids he likes? Have kids round a lot if you can!

He probably IS tired from school. It’s playing he needs to do either solo or with another child.

I think it's solo play that he needs to work on. He's got friends at school. He plays with his brother (when they aren't fighting!). He just isn't good at finding things to do and playing alone. I feel really galvanized by this thread to make some changes and support him to develop his skills and interests.

It’s really hard, I remember it! One of mine isn’t great at solo play (always wants someone to play with) and could be absolutely addicted to a screen if let.

I read a lot about how boredom is good for children because it gets their imagination going (just google “boredom good for kids” and you’ll get a whole load of stuff up).

It might be really tough to say no to the tablet, but you’ll be doing him a favour!

Another thing that works with my child who doesn’t love playing solo, is that I leave things on the table I know he’ll pick up and have a go at - a comic, some paint pens and paper, stickers etc. I change them each time I want to try and nudge him into them. I never mention them or leave them there too long, because then he’d say “I don’t want to” but when he spots them on his own and they’re new and interesting, he plays!

2h on a school day is too much I would say, on a weekend spread throughout the day it's not that bad.
What we have on our DDs ipads is parental controls so you can set a time limit and lock it overnight.
Try setting a 1h a day limit and lock it from an hour before his bedtime.
You could give extra time at the weekend if you wanted to

Fairly unusual but some kids definitely do too much! If you think after school is too much for him is there anything he could do on a Saturday morning?

I don’t think you’ve damaged your kid with that much tv. Our neighbours kids watch endless tv and ipads and are lovely. We regulate it much more but doesn’t seem to turn our DD into a better person! Not that she’s not lovely of course…most of the time!

I agree with posters here…you can easily change it. Takes a few days of screaming. Then all fine. We did the same after a long period when we were both recovering from health issues.

If he doesn’t play well alone can you get him into something you like/need to do and he can do alongside? Gardening or cooking, both good life skills to learn, he has your company and yes, everything takes twice as long and in insane fashion (all the seeds poured into one hole…), but better than DP’s method of “watch this show while I unload the dishwasher”.

We slipped into this with our 7 year old. He isn't as good at entertaining himself as our daughter is so it's easy to do.

About 3 months back I decided to cut it right back, removed YouTube from the TV, the remotes are put away unless we decide to put a film on or they're having a short amount of time with a cartoon, tablets are away out of sight unless we've got back from a long day out and they need some time to chill and unwind.
It was a struggle at first and there was some tantrums but after a couple of weeks they got used to it and he's occupying himself much better now without asking for screens much.
I realised it was probably far better to get into a healthy routine now than when he's older and it's harder to break the habit too.

My kids are 20 and 16, and I never restricted screen time. None had their own device until around 8, as it wasn’t very common back then for kids to have tablets / ipads as they were in their infancy / not yet available. So it was a lot of cartoons when younger. Both are very academic and very high achievers, very self motivated and have regulated their own screen use over the years. I guess I never intervened as I didn’t need to.

My 2.5yr old nephew likes to watch youtube, I was surprised how things have changed, he doesn’t have a tablet and they do make sure he doesn’t watch too much TV but he likes to watch stuff like Vlad and Nikki. I’d never heard of it but omg what a horrible display of wealth. I’d be blocking that if i was them. Mine watched Cbeebies at that age, and at least some of that was educational.

My kid has a fair amount of screen time watching & playing their console but as a PP said, the content is the thing to be concerned about.

You Tube etc is all about the algorithm - keep them watching with fast cutting, bright colours for the dopamine hits. It’s so bad for developing brains.

Likewise certain games - they are designed to keep people playing using tools that promote addiction. There is evidence that some mobile games are specifically designed to lead into gambling.

There’s a huge difference between a kid watching tv that’s designed for them - especially British tv or the top American stuff (Sesame Street, Muppets etc) - and the horrible crap on YT.

Roblox is a whole other world of problems and I won’t let my kids anywhere near it, but Mario etc I’m fine with.

But it’s also about balance - my kids do swimming and gymnastics and team sports and scouts - as well as watch (too much) tv.