Toddler at a funeral?

[Lavender14]

So a relative has recently passed away and I'd really like to go to the funeral because it is someone I cared about. My entire family are attending and as a lone parent I have noone else I can leave ds with. I've recently moved area so no friends etc here yet.

Am I mad to consider bringing him and trying to sit at the door so we can leave quickly if needed and bringing some toys/colouring items? I would feel really guilty not going but equally I don't want ds to be disruptive. He's usually pretty well behaved and is happy to sit and watch what's going on but like all toddlers he has his own mind so there's no guarantee. If I can't bring him I can't go and i do feel like my lack of presence would be noted. I couldn't attend the wake as he was ill.

What would others do?

You need a babysitter, unless that person was a close relative to your toddler which it doesn't sound like they were .

MN has taught me that this is pretty culture- and faith-dependent. To me it would be automatic that your DC would go, but others find the idea of any children at a funeral at all is unthinkable.

I'd ask your family.

If it is a family funeral I would take my child and sit at the exit. Ask the immediate family how they feel and ask if they would just prefer for you to come for refreshments after the service.

If they are a relative of yours, they are your toddlers family too. I don't see anything wrong with it at all, especially as you say sit where you can get out easily in case of disruption.

I have taken a toddler to a funeral. In fact, we didn’t go into the chapel for the ceremony but due to post Covid it was being played on a speaker outside for people who preferred to listen in fresh air.

So me, dc and a handful of others listened outside.

If that option isn’t available I would check with someone in immediate family what they would prefer you to do. Some would love to see a child and whole family assembled and find that a comfort. Others would find it distracting and inappropriate.

I took my 2 year old to my grandmother’s funeral at my grandfather’s request. It was fine.

Check with the deceased’s closest relatives. Sit close to the door so you can extract them if needed. A compromise might be to skip the funeral and just attend the wake.

Provided they don’t disrupt the service people are often pleased to see young. Holden at a funeral as it changes the atmosphere.

Sit by a door a the back, take quiet colouring. Step outside if needed.

I would speak to the family member(s) who were closest to the deceased and who are organising the funeral and ask how they would feel about you attending with a toddler

It is their opinion that matters

Can you ask the closest family if they would rather you plus child or not?

I have no access to a baby sitter having just moved and knowing noone but family. They normally do my childcare or ds is at nursery but with the holidays nursery is closed and my family will be attending. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving ds with a stranger anyway especially not at short notice.

Ask whoever is organising the funeral if it’s OK to bring your toddler. I’d be surprised if there’s a problem - most people are very pleased to have little ones around, so long as they’re not disruptive.

In our case the wake has already been held and I missed it as ds was unwell.

Wouldn’t take a toddler to a funeral. Wrong on so many levels

I think it's fine as long as you are being truthful about their usual behaviour and are genuinely prepared to sit close to an exit and leave if they become noisy.

I would not have taken my DS to a funeral as a toddler as it would have had disaster written all over it in bright pink highlighter.

You know your own child, their limits and their likely reactions.

I'd say it depends on whether the death was expected and is just part of life or whether it was unexpected/shocking.

Kids at an older person's funeral can be a welcome addition to the company.

Sounds like it would be good to take yours, you've shown that you are aware that if child gets fed up pacify them or leave the room! Also, if all of your family is there I'd assume that you'll have plenty of help there.

I’ve taken babies and toddlers to funerals. Just sit near the door so you can make a rapid exit if you need to.

I don’t see the problem with it if the funeral is for an older person ( as opposed to a child). My DD was that kind of age when my MIL died and we took her to the service and the crematorium. ( we wouldn’t have had any childcare at all). We were very lucky that MIL was a church goer and the church was very full and a very kind Sunday school lady took her to the back for us during the service and played with her in a play area that was set up.

I have taken toddlers to both my grandmother and my Fathers funerals.
Both times I had DH on notice. If the toddler played up, he was to take them out. The only thing that happened was my youngest bonked his head on a pew.. made a terrible noise,but he was fine.

In your situation I would take them and sit near an exit.

I have to say that having a toddler around was actually a good thing. It makes for a conversation that isn't just about how sad everyone is.
Especially if they are directly related to the deceased.

Best of luck.

Curious as to why?

I would definitely take your toddler. Mine went to my grandparents funeral. People liked having a child there to lighten the mood

He is a really good child and when we're out for coffee etc he's quite happy to sit and people watch and he does go to my church with my parents sometimes and behaves well there. Usually we just bring a quiet toy and break it out when he starts to get bored. But he's just turned 2 and has a mind of his own now more than ever so I can't say he'll sit there and be silent either!

You go to the funeral primarily to support the people who are most grief stricken - usually partners, parents, children. Secondary are your feelings about the person that died.
Will your presence (you and your child) be a comfort and support to the main mourner?
If not stay home. Write beautiful cards and send them to all the main mourners. Especially if they're adult children.

Depends on lots of things including the circumstances of the death and the feelings of the immediate family. You won’t get a good definite answer on MN.

This person was older and it was some time coming. My guess is that their grandchildren will also be there some of whom are young but I'm not sure.