Toddler at a funeral?

[Lavender14]

So a relative has recently passed away and I'd really like to go to the funeral because it is someone I cared about. My entire family are attending and as a lone parent I have noone else I can leave ds with. I've recently moved area so no friends etc here yet.

Am I mad to consider bringing him and trying to sit at the door so we can leave quickly if needed and bringing some toys/colouring items? I would feel really guilty not going but equally I don't want ds to be disruptive. He's usually pretty well behaved and is happy to sit and watch what's going on but like all toddlers he has his own mind so there's no guarantee. If I can't bring him I can't go and i do feel like my lack of presence would be noted. I couldn't attend the wake as he was ill.

What would others do?

Yes, sit at the back and be prepared to leave if he makes any fuss.

People are so divided on this. Wouldn't cross my mind not to bring him, it's totally normal to me that children are at funerals. Despite some people thinking it's unreasonable it wouldn't change my mind and I'd just take him.

Fine aslong as you go straight out if he starts making a fuss. Bring a sticker book or a quiet activity.
Check with deceased close family though.
I took my dd at everyone's request when she was a toddler. She was fine and everyone loved seeing her at the wake

It's a touchy subject, but "taking them out if they make a fuss" can mean different things to different people, especially when parents are understandably used to their child's racket and have come to regard anything short of a screaming fit as "being quiet"

Overall though I agree about asking the chief mourners, and most importantly listening to what they say

As it's a family member of yours that's died, I'd ask the closest relative(s) of the deceased what their preference is.

In my family it would be unthinkable that a family member would miss a funeral simply because they have a young child, no matter how noisy they are. But everyone is different.

Yes, this. I’ve been to a few weddings where parents promised to take out “at first fuss” which translated in each case to “if I can’t settle them down after ten minutes”. By which point most people were looking around etc.

I wouldn’t like to see a toddler at a funeral as I’d suspect that would be the case. And their presence wouldn’t lighten my mood either, other people’s kids aren’t delightful to me.

Take the toddler. It gives people something else to think about. It can provide relief and a sharp exit. It reminds every one of the circle of life. Some people will moan. Let them.

I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer to this OP, it’s purely down to you. You’ve explained your circumstances, you have no friends or family that can look after your child, nursery shut.I presume that includes extended family who perhaps are not going…

If you really don’t want to use a babysitter or child minder service, see what the rest of your family think. They know your situation so if they want you to be there, they’ll understand you need to be bring your child because you can’t do anything else. Discuss with your family and see what you all think is best.

I took my dd to my grandfather funeral in the UK when she was a toddler. I had to fly in for it and leaving her behind wasn't an option. It was pre me being on mumsnet and I had no idea at the time that children at funerals in England were a divisive topic. Anyway it was perfectly fine, she sat quietly on my lap the whole time and the world didn't end.

My husband and I are currently talking about his funeral - he's terminally ill and could have another year or another month, it's unpredictable. He's barely 60 and although I've lived with the knowledge of him dying for about a decade now, I am not and will not be prepared for the reality of him being gone. His funeral will be sad and the presence of young children - of which there are many in his immediate family, will not lighten the mood or any of the other things that people who are deluded think children do at these events. My husband does not like the company of children and nor do I so we have made it clear to his family that no one under the age of 18 should attend his funeral. It has caused an uproar among various people, but frankly the important mourners who will be there are his parents, me and his siblings. And we will be there to say goodbye. It is not a playground. Funerals are for adults.

For me it would be a no-brainer. Of course you take children.

However I have learned over the years from threads like these that some people (in the minority I think) feel strongly that it would be offensive to bring children.

So the only answer is to ask the person who is organising the funeral and make it clear that you would like to come but absolutely won’t take offence if they preferred you didn’t.

My two year old DGD was brought to my MIL's funeral. My son in law sat near the back with her, and it was all fine.

Sorry for your loss. At my dad's funeral my friend brought her 1 year old. She also brought a friend (who I didn't really know) who spent the duration of the service taking the 1 year old for a gentle walk round the memorial garden. This meant toddler was occupied and away from the actual service but close enough that his mum could get to him if necessary. They didn't attend the purvey after as she felt it would be too much for her little one. It worked very well. Do you have a friend who could maybe do the same with your toddler? I know you've moved area but presumably the funeral is elsewhere anyway? Hope it all goes ok.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. As you and your DH dislike children, you are clearly making the right decision for you.

But I disagree with your generalisation about funerals. They're not necessarily just for adults. It depends on the family and on the decreased's wishes. My MIL' adored her grandchildren, and small children in general. And I'm not deluded in saying that her GGD's presence did lighten the mood. Everyone present knew of MIL's love for children, and expressed genuine delight at meeting her GGD.

I was in a similar situation to you before my DH died. Sadly he never got to meet his GD's, but if they'd been around I'm in no doubt that he'd have been happy for them to attend his funeral had DD wanted to bring them.

I have been to funerals with small children present, no one has ever said it was wrong or shouldn't happen.

@oboeannie no a funeral is not a playground. But I think it is definitely a place for children if they knew the deceased. My children attended their GF's funeral at 3 and 5 years old, and their own father's at 4 and 6. They were impeccably behaved however and I then took them to a sitter for the rest of the day while the adults attended a lunch.
OP take your child but be prepared to take them outside if they get noisy.

If it was a member of my family who has died then I would HATE someone bringing a toddler to the funeral!

If it was a close family member’s funeral I’d hate it too. The only people who can answer the question are the immediate relatives of the deceased. The opinions of mumsnet posters are irrelevant.

It may well be that the mourners at these were entirely happy to have the children there, Hadalifeonce, but IME folk are unlikely to say something even if they're not, especially when these occasions are upsetting enough already

They're also hardly likely to interrupt the service to do any shushing and by the time it's finished it's too late ... though all too often that's the point when some parents start insisting how utterly charmed everyone was to have Junior bellowing throughout

Children at funerals is standard in my family on both sides (two different cultures). It had never crossed my mind that it would be an issue until I saw people talk about it on MN.

Bad parenting. Funerals aren't for children.

What - you don’t think children are bereaved? My sisters were 11 & 3 when our mum died. My mum had a host of young nieces and nephews who needed to say goodbye to her.

Your post is ridiculous.

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't bring him if you sit near the exit. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I've always seen children at family funerals. The parents take them out if necessary.

How ridiculous.

Good idea to sit near the exit. It will be fine. Your toddler might help others feel comfortable and say hello and take a moment to interact.