Toddler at a funeral?

[Lavender14]

So a relative has recently passed away and I'd really like to go to the funeral because it is someone I cared about. My entire family are attending and as a lone parent I have noone else I can leave ds with. I've recently moved area so no friends etc here yet.

Am I mad to consider bringing him and trying to sit at the door so we can leave quickly if needed and bringing some toys/colouring items? I would feel really guilty not going but equally I don't want ds to be disruptive. He's usually pretty well behaved and is happy to sit and watch what's going on but like all toddlers he has his own mind so there's no guarantee. If I can't bring him I can't go and i do feel like my lack of presence would be noted. I couldn't attend the wake as he was ill.

What would others do?

I took a baby and toddler to a funeral in a church that laid out a play area with colouring and toys in a rear corner. It was perfect. Lots of little ones altogether and our Grandparent would have loved it! However at another relative's funeral it was appropriate to bring toddlers to the wake only because the church had no facilities, not as close a relative and the children of the deceased didn't make it clear little ones were welcome. You can hire someone from childcare.co.uk

Sitting at the back just won't work for some children they will quite literally want to run up and down aisles/pews.

Yes but they're closed now until January. He's only a couple of weeks in so not settled properly yet.

Why?

Why?

Nothing makes my blood boil more than being at a funeral and hearing a kid whining, fussing, crying, talking and moving around.

it just feels so disrespectful to the people around who are in so much pain in that intimate moment.

funerals aren’t a place for children who can’t sit still and quiet.

But the OP is planning on leaving if her child gets noisy.

I have taken a toddler in the past, needs nust; as your plans, we sat by the door ready for a swift exit. Not needed as child was quiet.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Toddler in pram so they can’t run up and down (mine has also just turned two and would run if they saw an aisle) and right by the door so you can make a swift exit if needed (and do it as the first fuss) and you should be fine.

I’ve had to do this before, sat at the back and made an exit as soon as she became restless.

I’d be led by the close family. I’m sorry for your loss

I can't see an issue but MN can be a bit odd about these things in my experience!

As long as you can definitely take him out if he plays up, it's absolutely fine to bring him along with you.

Usually we just bring a quiet toy and break it out when he starts to get bored.

I’d be pretty unimpressed if someone brought their toddler to a funeral and ‘broke out’ a toy if they started getting bored.

If you’re going to take your toddler, sit right at at the back and take them out the moment they move or make a sound.

I'd ask first. I didn't have my own v young kids at my mum's funeral, I wanted to be present in the moment and couldn't fully do that while always thinking in my head about the kids, so we hired a babysitter (who they bloody loved!). We had no kids at the funeral and I would have been a bit peeved if someone had turned up with a young kid that had the potential to disturb stuff when closer relations had all decided we didn't want our children there. They all came to the party bit after. But the actual ceremony wasn't really a place for kids.

I have taken mine without any problems. Just leave if you need to.

I've taken toddlers to funerals. I took a massive handbag full of quiet toys, books, non crunchy snacks etc and it went well. We had to sit in the front row because of our relationship to the deceased but I was ready to slip out if necessary.

And personally someone else's child would not have 'lightened the mood'. If I wanted the mood lightened (I didn't) I'd get that from my own kids instead. I don't really like the argument that someone bringing their child is some sort of gift to the mourners.

Can you expand

My toddlers been to a few funerals now - no Problems at all

"So many" levels? Such as?

You need to ask the deceased’s family really. There’s no other way of knowing the right thing to do.

Being willing to take the child out if he’s noisy is irrelevant. If the noise has already happened and you have people grieving not knowing that an unexpected child is there, then that is beyond rude. It happened at my late DH’s funeral and I was happy that the mother of the child was there and a bit of toddler noise was fine by me. But MIL, an elderly woman who was at her only son’s funeral found it upsetting and disrespectful. Which is why I think it would be very rude to take a child without asking first.

I was about to say this. I’m from a West Indian background and children at weddings and funerals is the norm and I’d be asked where they were if I didn’t take them.

Took my 20 month old to my mother's funeral. He sat with us in the front row perfectly quietly, no toys, just a box of orange juice. We're not church-goers, so the whole thing was a novelty to him.

You're fine sitting next to an exit. But you must remember the standard for disruptive behaviour is different. Quietly plating and chatting to himself, which would be fine in other settings, may be too much for a funeral.

It's not when he "plays up" that you need to take him out, it's as soon as his presence become audible to anyone else.

@MereDintofPandiculation - yes, that's what I meant. I thought it was obvious!

Again, very culture-dependant. A little quiet toddler noise wouldn't be an issue for us, it's more important that children are present for family milestones like funerals.

Every funeral I have been to (English, middle class) has had babies and toddlers at it. If they are direct relatives of the deceased the celebrant usually makes a big deal about them being there.

Nobody has minded a bit of child noise, or noise of them being shovelled sweets for bribery purposes, and it's generally looked on as a nice thing (or if anyone hates it they keep it to themselves).

It's only on Mumsnet I've seen attitudes that children shouldn't attend, even if they are capable of complete silence.