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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the pub on Boxing Day every year?

111 replies

Fluffyandfestive · 26/12/2024 19:07

My in laws having a family tradition where the whole family goes to the pub on Boxing Day for a few hours.

This starts at about 11 and everyone has to be there on time.

The men get as pissed as possible and all the women go back to one of the houses at about 3pm and prep a buffet while the men stay in the pub a while longer.

Now that we have dc I don't want to participate in this tradition. In laws live around a 45 minute drive away. The dc want to stay home and play with their toys. It's boring. The men get drunk and act stupid.

Aibu to not want to go?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 27/12/2024 08:29

My ex, during divorce proceedings, complained that I didn’t want to join in with his family’s tradition of the men all going to the pub on Christmas morning and the women staying at home to cook the dinner.
Much of his head is still firmly in 1950.
Hope you enjoyed your day OP!

PerditaLaChien · 27/12/2024 08:35

No fucking way would i agree to that crap

I could live with a few drinks in the pub but the only way the "women going back to make the buffet" washes is if the men do the whole christmas lunch, so its like a fair split

PerditaLaChien · 27/12/2024 08:46

I know a few families like this and it tends to go hand in hand with

  • women who don't & have never really worked, so are completely financially dependent on the men, who use this as means of control
  • bigger families and ones where children have been had a bit younger eg in 20s, so the older generation of men are still relatively young & there's a big crowd willing to go to the pub & drink loads. (It doesn't work so well if grandad/uncles are pushing 80 and falling asleep by 4pm)
  • men who are useless across the board, do little to prep for christmas or care for children
BogRollBOGOF · 27/12/2024 08:48

Even DM got sick of this kind of crap by the early 1990s- it was every bank holiday dominated by sport/ pub/ betting shops, so she decided that if the male half of the family could be out having fun, the female half could too and we started doing things like going to the cinema. She didn't actually have an obligation to spend hours making roasts.

Big improvement.

EmsSummer · 27/12/2024 08:52

i wouldn’t like it and I love a pub! My kids would be bored and argue because they’d just want to play with their toys. They’re 13 and 10 now. Last year we went out for Christmas lunch and it was great. We felt we could do that as it was only a short walk away and a couple of hours. Otherwise we’ve had a sort of unwritten rule that other than a Boxing Day walk we stick around at home while they’re young

Zuve · 27/12/2024 08:56

I would never go, I hate being dragged out by some stupid tradition

Stifledlife · 27/12/2024 09:06

My XDH used to go to the pub with his mates on xmas eve and saw no reason to change the tradition when we had children. He was adamant, and I was a killjoy.
He would come home about 9pm, completely legless, fall asleep on the sofa and snore loudly all night. No christmas eve excitement with the children putting them to bed, putting out their pillowcases, tracking santa on NORAD. I did all of that.
He came home one year, our 8 year old came down for a drink of water just as he was drinking santa's whisky on the mantlepiece. You should have seen my child's face as he put 2 and 2 together.. my ex then snarled "oh for f*cks sake. He not real" and went into the kitchen. My now fully grown child still remebers the hurt.
After that we started a tradition of early dinner at pizza express on christmas eve, and we would go and drag him out at 4.30.

There is a reason why he's and ex..

Wonderwall23 · 27/12/2024 09:10

For me it completely depends on other factors. e.g. have you spent the whole of Christmas Day with them already, versus is this the only day over Christmas you'll see them. If it's the latter I'd probably suck it up (and to be honest it doesn't sound that bad to me). And I'm not a 1950s housewife type.

But then my DS would love it if his cousins were there...he has multiple other days over the holidays to play with his toys.

The only thing that would really bother me is that the women do both prepping and clearing up and I think this should be one or the other. The excessive drinking is also not great but not as bad if its an exception rather than regularly.

Im honestly not directing this at you, OP....more a general musing. But speaking from (limited) experience, I think if you get together with someone who has a family culture like this, you may as well accept some of it rather than expecting them to change. 'Putting your foot down' isn't likely to go down well...and why would they suddenly change to meet your viewpoint because you feel you have the moral highground. Especially if they are all happy with it. It's a bit naive to think it will suddenly change...best not to get involved in the first place.

crumblingschools · 27/12/2024 09:12

Did DH go or stay with you?

SleepyHippy3 · 27/12/2024 09:16

Hate this, and would prioritise my self and my children, over waiting hand and foot on all the men of the family, who have done absolutely jack shit, over the Christmas period. Had this with my partner’s family. The mother shopping, cooking and cleaning nonstop, entertaining everyday, over the the Christmas period, catering to everyone, whilst all the men sat around getting shit faced not lifting a finger, except for the dad to stand proudly by the turkey, to carving it . Of course, in the early years, I would help my mum in law, because no one else would. But then that it meant that I spent all these Christmas’s, when visiting, also catering to a bunch of pissed and entitled men. One Christmas I said sod it, and sat down with the men, and told my partner and his brothers to go and help their own mother for once as I was done for the day. Of course, when ever we visit, for what ever occasion, I always help out , but then make a point of asking everyone else in the room to also help out.

SleepyHippy3 · 27/12/2024 09:22

BogRollBOGOF · 27/12/2024 08:48

Even DM got sick of this kind of crap by the early 1990s- it was every bank holiday dominated by sport/ pub/ betting shops, so she decided that if the male half of the family could be out having fun, the female half could too and we started doing things like going to the cinema. She didn't actually have an obligation to spend hours making roasts.

Big improvement.

Love this for your mum!! Good on her. Wish more women would stop falling over themselves to cater non stop to men who won’t lift a reciprocal finger, to help, ever. But then that has a lot to do with social conditioning, and expected shitty gender roles, and my younger self was definitely guilty of that.

Original poster
Fluffyandfestive · 27/12/2024 09:25

crumblingschools · 27/12/2024 09:12

Did DH go or stay with you?

He stayed at home.

OP posts:
Glitchymn1 · 27/12/2024 09:34

I’d probably go for the food, but not if the men are five pints deep by then.
I don’t think alcohol and children mix (not talking a glass of wine/beer) but getting drunk absolutely not.

Original poster
Fluffyandfestive · 27/12/2024 09:34

Wonderwall23 · 27/12/2024 09:10

For me it completely depends on other factors. e.g. have you spent the whole of Christmas Day with them already, versus is this the only day over Christmas you'll see them. If it's the latter I'd probably suck it up (and to be honest it doesn't sound that bad to me). And I'm not a 1950s housewife type.

But then my DS would love it if his cousins were there...he has multiple other days over the holidays to play with his toys.

The only thing that would really bother me is that the women do both prepping and clearing up and I think this should be one or the other. The excessive drinking is also not great but not as bad if its an exception rather than regularly.

Im honestly not directing this at you, OP....more a general musing. But speaking from (limited) experience, I think if you get together with someone who has a family culture like this, you may as well accept some of it rather than expecting them to change. 'Putting your foot down' isn't likely to go down well...and why would they suddenly change to meet your viewpoint because you feel you have the moral highground. Especially if they are all happy with it. It's a bit naive to think it will suddenly change...best not to get involved in the first place.

Edited

To respond to that. We always see them on Christmas Day.

To be completely honest, if I had my time over again I'm not sure if I'd marry dh because of his family.

It's not that they are bad people, but in my opinion they are old fashioned and unbelievably sexist. They are very demanding and set in their ways. They demand a lot of our time and expect us to do things their way. Dh has never been able to say no to anything or put us first for fear of upsetting his parents and looking bad in front of the family.

For example they have expected to see us every weekend on both days, unless they themselves are on holiday. Mil texts me in advance and books us up for every bank holiday, Easter, New Year's Day. She doesn't even ask she just tells me to keep it free because she's hosting the whole family. I've had enough of it all I don't feel as though my life is my own.

The dc don't have any cousins on dh's side. We are the only ones with children. Dh has a cousin who has a child but the cousin has moved to another country so long since broke away from the traditions and obligation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fluffyandfestive · 27/12/2024 09:35

Glitchymn1 · 27/12/2024 09:34

I’d probably go for the food, but not if the men are five pints deep by then.
I don’t think alcohol and children mix (not talking a glass of wine/beer) but getting drunk absolutely not.

Five pints, if only that was all it was. Spirits too.

Mil has two bottles of wine to herself.

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 27/12/2024 09:40

I wouldn’t bother going. Fine if you’re into that sort of thing but your children understandably aren’t. So don’t go. Send your husband off with a wave if he wants to go and stay home and do your own thing. And don’t tiptoe round him if he’s hungover the next day.

I will say, before kids I’d happily go to the pub but would I bollocks be meekly heading off early to prepare a buffet while the blokes enjoy themselves.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/12/2024 09:44

Glad your DH didn’t go! What did the in laws say?

Daleksatemyshed · 27/12/2024 09:53

I wonder if now you've broken with one tradition your DH might feel able to stand up to his family more often. If it's all adults then there's not much pleasure for your DC. Why don't you book something child friendly for Easter?

gannett · 27/12/2024 09:55

the cousin has moved to another country so long since broke away from the traditions and obligation

Someone had their head screwed on! I bet that cousin is grateful for the distance every day.

It's not that they are bad people, but in my opinion they are old fashioned and unbelievably sexist. They are very demanding and set in their ways. They demand a lot of our time and expect us to do things their way.

They are bad people. This level of demanding control is incredibly toxic. I wouldn't stand for it a minute longer but then I wouldn't have stood for it for a minute in the first place.

She doesn't even ask she just tells me to keep it free because she's hosting the whole family. I've had enough of it all I don't feel as though my life is my own

Keep that "I've had enough" energy. You're an adult and no one should be telling you what to do. MIL can go fuck herself, frankly.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/12/2024 09:56

Not my cup of tea at all. Kids wouldn’t have enjoyed it when they were young, either. Stay home.

Celebrationtin1989 · 27/12/2024 09:58

Say no. DP can go if he wants. You don’t want to drag kids out. Go for buffet if you want but just tell MIL and reason. She may not be happy but meh your kids trump all that.

HadEnoughOfThisPish · 27/12/2024 10:03

They sound absolutely insufferable. With luck it'll be easier to say 'no' in future now that you've done it once. So what if the in-laws aren't happy? What's the worst they can actually do?

BarbadosItsCloserThanYouThink · 27/12/2024 10:04

It sounds like a very selfish festivity with no thought for your children and if they're enjoying it. If you already see them on Christmas day you definitely shouldn't be putting up with this.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/12/2024 10:13

Yeah, this used to be a thing in my youth back in the 60s and 70s, men getting drunk all day while the women did the grunt work and the children ran amok. To be fair, it could be fun for the children if there were other kids around .
But the whole thing is a throwback to times when it was thought to be a woman’s job to serve her menfolk, so fuck that!
This century, we are more aware of the issues involved in getting drunk in charge of or in front of children , and the whole set up seems very old fashioned.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/12/2024 10:17

Fluffyandfestive · 27/12/2024 09:34

To respond to that. We always see them on Christmas Day.

To be completely honest, if I had my time over again I'm not sure if I'd marry dh because of his family.

It's not that they are bad people, but in my opinion they are old fashioned and unbelievably sexist. They are very demanding and set in their ways. They demand a lot of our time and expect us to do things their way. Dh has never been able to say no to anything or put us first for fear of upsetting his parents and looking bad in front of the family.

For example they have expected to see us every weekend on both days, unless they themselves are on holiday. Mil texts me in advance and books us up for every bank holiday, Easter, New Year's Day. She doesn't even ask she just tells me to keep it free because she's hosting the whole family. I've had enough of it all I don't feel as though my life is my own.

The dc don't have any cousins on dh's side. We are the only ones with children. Dh has a cousin who has a child but the cousin has moved to another country so long since broke away from the traditions and obligation.

Show quote history

That sounds awful, so it’s not even like your kids have anyone to play with-just sitting watching their relatives get pissed the male ones waited on!

What happened at Easter/other bank holidays?