Now I know how you all love a good child-free wedding rant....

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

My dear ol' brother is getting married in 4 weeks time. He is having a child-free wedding. I have no problems with this. It is his wedding, he can have a clown theme if that's what he so desires. Not my wedding, not my choice. The wedding has been planned for a year. I did have some concerns as I have a bf baby who I was reluctant to leave. DB assures me all along that they don't mean babies, just children. I have asked several times just to make sure and each time he has said that bringing dd is fine. Lovely, we've bought her a dress and dh has taken time off work.

Last night db phoned and said they've changed their mind and dd can't come. Okay, still their wedding, they make their own choices but with 4 weeks to go I'm slightly peeved. I have tried to find a babysitter to no avail. All usual babysitters will be at the wedding and the only other option- the ILs- are on holiday. I explained this to db quite rationally and calmly this morning, said I was very sorry that I couldn't find arrangements for dd and could I just sit at the back of the church with dd for the ceremony at least? I don't want to miss my brother's wedding. The answer was no. No children. Apart from their own bf baby who's only a couple of months younger than my own dd.

All of the above isn't really what has made me cross. What has riled me beyond all imagination is the fact that db is no longer talking to me because I 'refuse to attend his wedding'.

So come on then. I dare you to call me unreasonable...

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

In an ideal world maybe sausages.

[DuelingFanjo]

omg! what a cow.

I think you should tell her (them) what DSN said!

[PorkChopSter]

You are a very nice person.

I would be spitting

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

Noooooo. No way will I tell them what dn said. Because she's a child and if they confront her about it then that's just bloody awful for a 10yr old to deal with.

I shall say nothing. Thing is, it wasn't my wedding day and I genuinely think you should have the wedding you want. I feel maybe a tiny bit sad that I might have contributed to her not having the day she wanted but I also feel that it's horrible that she's so down and she can't look back on her wedding day with happiness, whilst acknowledgning this is nothing to do with me.

[bubblecoral]

You really are a nice person. And very wise.

And probably right, but that wouldn't stop me from saying something to them.

[montmartre]

How nice to have a thread resurrected by the OP rather than an advertiser...

I cannot believe the situation you are in though- how awful for you.
I think you just have to get on with it as best you can- though I don't think I could be actually friendly with her from now on. I really think your brother WBU at the time- 4 weeks notice is not adequate. But obviously it was at his wife's behest.

[exoticfruits]

I think tha you have to accept you will never be friends!!
Did she not realise anyone can can sit in a church wedding?-I could have sat at the back with a baby! Mad.

[Honeybee79]

YANBU.

Sounds like a totally nuts arrangement.

[mummytime]

Okay I just wonder does your SIL have Asperger like traits herself. Could it be that she is stuck with this idea and can't let go?

I'd put it behind me, and try to move on. She is the one with issues, and you have proved yourself to be very noble (I'd have been furious if my bf DD wasn't invited but other children were, if I was that close a relative).

[harrietthespook]

That's a good point Sitdown - maybe she's worried about not having grandparents to babysit!

It's so crap because you WILL feel upset on that family day out you talked about having instead if you don't go. What a wanker (but you knew that.)

I like the email idea. I would just email both of them and say, I'm so sorry but we've arranged everything around being able to take DD to the wedding, based on what you've been saying for the past year and at this point we don't have any other option available apart from not coming at all. Wouldn't that be a shame?

"What a lovely family event it will be, the two little cousins together."

I wouldn't raise any question of money issues, vis a vis the babysitting. If he thinks it's all about the money, money he'll focus on that angle of your response, which will be counterproductive.

UNLESS you say: shall we club in for a nanny who can help us BOTH OUT.

But that is me being really sucky upy. It's what I'd do in this situation as I would be the one ending up feeling like shit. But that's just me.

[harrietthespook]

F'ng '08. Honestly.

[harrietthespook]

Just seen OPs response. My blood is boiling for you OP. Crazy relatives!!!!!

[whathellcall]

YADNBU, I can't believe that the bride and groom could have that attitude when they have their own bf baby ! I wouldn't even contemplate leaving the baby, if they don't wise up I wouldn't go. Your own family day out sounds like a nice idea.

[whathellcall]

Just realised this is an old thread .

[porcamiseria]

what a cunt! sorry but arsehole TWAT

thats all I have to say, fucking hate childfree wedding as to this day I have NEVERE heard of a nicely managed one

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

My cousin's childfree wedding was absolutely lovely. They had bf babies there (dd was absolutely tiny) but they were very clear about what they were doing all along and it was due to the venue's restrictions largely. They had a lovely day, as did we. It can be done and is absolutely fine if you aren't a nobber about the whole thing.

SIL doesn't have any aspergers type tendencies at all. She's had a rough time though over the years and I take that into consideration with how far I think her behaviour is acceptable. And she's not wholly bad, I think she just suffered from a combination of new baby madness, bridezilla madness and managed her feelings about the whole thing poorly. On reflection, I wish I hadn't gone. She might have enjoyed her day then. But tis done.

I'm sorry for the confusion about the zombie thread. I was going to start a new one but thought it easier to just tack it on here instead of trying to explain.

I was very surprised that it was obviously still so raw to her 3 years later.

[ShoutyHamster]

You sound like a very nice person.

She (and your DB) do not sound like very nice people at all.

Which is probably partly why she is so clearly unhappy - dissatisfied with life, the kind of person who would uninvite your DD in the first place, the kind of person who wouldn't want her there for selfish reasons of her own, the kind of woman who would let her wedding day be 'ruined' by something like that, and tell her own child about it. Pessimistic, nitpicky, controlling, selfish, miserable.

Poor thing. She probably looks at you and resents your happiness as another example of how life is so unfair to her... failing to see that the key to the problem is within herself.

Carry on being the nice person you are... it's because of that that you win, incidentally. Without having to get back at her/cut her off/tell her what you think of her, you win every time!

[tribpot]

Is it possible your niece was repeating something which was actually said years ago? Although I notice she did say 'mum always says .. '.

An evil part of me hopes she reports to her mum what she's said to you.

In terms of you not going, then you would still have been in trouble - this time with your db for 'refusing' to attend.

As you say, however, there's nothing to be done about it now. Dragging it up with them, whilst satisfying, won't change anything. If they choose to pick on some imagined and minor problem with their wedding and have it cloud the whole event, that's their look-out.

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

But it makes me so . I love my brother and contrary to the snap shot you're getting here, we get on although with some difficulty sometimes.

You are right in so many ways though Shouty. There's this perceived injustice on their side and it's just unfounded. Having the first grandchild for example, I clearly engineered it. I'm also pregnant with the first grandson (they have all girls, we already have a dd). Things that come down to chance but they perceive it as by design. I know they refer to my dd as 'the little princess' in private (again, you watch what you say in front of a 10yo who hears everything) and I know this baby I'm carrying will be the little prince. If we scrimp for 12yrs to buy our first run down two up two down we're 'lucky', if dh passes some work exams and gets a tiny pay rise he's 'jammy'.

It all seems so ridiculous. I just want to spend time with my family without the jibes and perceived slights.

But that's the way it is. It doesn't come from me. I'm more upset that they aren't happy with their lives. Hopefully I'm having my nieces for the day on Thursday so they're still having a relationship with dd that's uncomplicated by all this nonsense. Wish it was so easy for the grown ups involved.

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

I won't bring it up with them. It would serve no purpose whatsoever and would make it a bigger thing for me than it is.

My niece is reporting recent conversations too. She's very specific when she explains things. My sil hadn't wanted to go to the family wedding on Sat as ALL weddings remind her of how I ruined hers. So this is something she's said in the past week.

[chelstonmum]

Oh gosh.

Your niece's deserve all the fun days out you can help with because their mother is obviously deeply troubled and unhappy.

My DH's cousins' child (9) from hell attended our wedding. Our own DC's were there, as well as a friend's baby.

However this child has a rather vicious tounge and told me I was a 'snobby cow' and she wished she didn't have to come to my fancy wedding. I ignored her and when her mother asked her what was wrong she said the 'snobby cow' didn't answer me..... to which I replied 'im sorry if you feel that you have been dragged here to enjoy a family day out. I can tell the bag of drawing things, sweets, bubbles and fairy wings are obviously upsetting you further, as is the four course meal you are about to eat and the free booze your mother is drinking......and i really must appoligise in advance for the childrens entertainer that is booked for during the speeches!' I then simply walked off.

I dread to think what they say behind my back!

[Wormshuffler]

Well OP all I can say is that you are a better person than Me!!! Firstly all that time ago when you found out selected children were invited, to not blow your top at DB is frankly saint-like, and now 3 years on now that it has transpired SinL still has such ill feeling regarding it, is just so shocking! you can feel good that you are a much nicer person than she is!!

[MmeLindor.]

Good for you to have kept quiet about this. What a cheeky witch your SIL is.

[pigletmania]

What can I say I am . Yes you sound lovely and are rising above them, I certainly would not. They both sound very jealous of you, especially SIl. Don't get me started on her, she sounds rude, jealous, nasty. She probably did not want to invite you to the wedding but could not exactly do so as you are the grooms sister. I would find it very difficult to do her any favours. Good on you for being the better person, good luck with your pregnancy.