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AIBU?

Now I know how you all love a good child-free wedding rant....

168 replies

ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo · 02/05/2008 08:58

My dear ol' brother is getting married in 4 weeks time. He is having a child-free wedding. I have no problems with this. It is his wedding, he can have a clown theme if that's what he so desires. Not my wedding, not my choice. The wedding has been planned for a year. I did have some concerns as I have a bf baby who I was reluctant to leave. DB assures me all along that they don't mean babies, just children. I have asked several times just to make sure and each time he has said that bringing dd is fine. Lovely, we've bought her a dress and dh has taken time off work.

Last night db phoned and said they've changed their mind and dd can't come. Okay, still their wedding, they make their own choices but with 4 weeks to go I'm slightly peeved. I have tried to find a babysitter to no avail. All usual babysitters will be at the wedding and the only other option- the ILs- are on holiday. I explained this to db quite rationally and calmly this morning, said I was very sorry that I couldn't find arrangements for dd and could I just sit at the back of the church with dd for the ceremony at least? I don't want to miss my brother's wedding. The answer was no. No children. Apart from their own bf baby who's only a couple of months younger than my own dd.

All of the above isn't really what has made me cross. What has riled me beyond all imagination is the fact that db is no longer talking to me because I 'refuse to attend his wedding'.

So come on then. I dare you to call me unreasonable...

OP posts:

Report

milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk · 02/05/2008 10:27

what a knob!
id rather not go tbh, but then again hes is your db

families!

milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk · 02/05/2008 10:29

well put sl

TheFallenMadonna · 02/05/2008 10:31

Gawd. I'm normally a defender of people who want a child-free wedding, but this is bonkers.

mollymawk · 02/05/2008 10:33

He is being mad and weird. (Am loving "groomzilla" - must use in conversation).
But your suggestion about having DH and DD nearby sounds good (and very helpful of you given the circumstances!).

Sobernow · 02/05/2008 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladylush · 02/05/2008 10:36

YANBU they are being selfish and unreasonable.

Mikafan · 02/05/2008 10:36

YANBU but all I can say is everyone on here is so much more patient/easygoing than I am. If it was my DB who'd said it to me I'd have been "well f**k you then" and that would have been it. I wouldn't have tried to compromise - but there again I'm an evil old cow

BouncingTurtle · 02/05/2008 10:38

'It's a public ceremony at the church, even a pissed as a fart, stinking of urine,vomit covered wino could attend !'

Could you maybe find one of these? And bring him along as well?

Your d(ickhead)b is a twat. Groomzilla definitely sums it up. I would talk to your mum though, understand you don't want to be seen to stir things up, but could you just chat to her on the QT?

Maybe they don't want to be reminded that you did things in the correct order, you know, marriage THEN baby

Before I get jumped on, that was a joke, me and DH kept getting these kind of comments from his dad because he has a son by a previous girlfriend. We just tell him ever so politely to feck off.

Dropdeadfred · 02/05/2008 10:41

just phone your parents to explain that you won't be there and leave your mum do talk sense into him...I'm sure she would like both her gc at the wedding.

Nbg · 02/05/2008 10:44

People who want child free weddings to me are weird anyway and I cannot understand it at all but your db is being so bloody difficult about it isnt he!

Surely he must realise that probably most or all of the people that would normaly look after your dd would be at their wedding? I'm presuming its family members that is.

It sounds like a attention seeking thing to me.

ladylush · 02/05/2008 10:47

We had kids at our wedding even though we didn't have any ourself. It wasn't a problem and they had their own table. That said, I can understand why some people don't want kids at their wedding. I cannot understand though, why your db who has a baby himself will not allow you to bring your baby who is only a couple of months older.

alittlebitshy · 02/05/2008 10:51

lol at bouncingturtles's suggestion of acquiring aforementioned wino. Surely they'll be looking lovingly at your baby compared to that

morethanmum · 02/05/2008 10:53

Just read the op. Is your baby cuter than his?

Scotia · 02/05/2008 11:11

I would normally think 'their wedding, they are paying, they decide', much like you said in your op. What your brother is doing though is indefensible.

I think it's a shame, but if you want to go, your only option is to go alone, leave dd with your dh, and don't be shy about letting the other guests know why if they ask where they are.

Rocky12 · 02/05/2008 11:13

I have been to child free weddings. Although I have two young children I dont think they really appreciate the event and end up tired and emotional. My sister in law got married recently and her vows were drowned out by a friend who plonked herself in one of the front rows with a screaming baby. Of course everyone will say that they will take a crying child out but rarely do. I suspect that is why people want 'child free weddings'

I guess the most annoying thing about this is that it wasnt sorted out at the beginning and then you would have far greater warning. I wonder why he said 'no children but babies are OK'.

Weddings bring out the worst in people but I dont like the idea of just turning up - what would that achieve.....

Dynamicnanny · 02/05/2008 11:25

Agree you should go to the wedding with DH and baby - they can't / won't throw you out without making a scene and that will make them look bad.

ALternativley look on netmums/gumtree childcare section for your area and see if there are any local nannies who are available to babysit for the day = you can meet them before hand or even get them to sit in a cafe nearby so you can pop out and see them etc between wedding and reception.

What area are you in?

blueshoes · 02/05/2008 11:32

OP, is it just the church wedding that dd is not allowed to attend or the reception as well?

ladylush · 02/05/2008 11:35

tbh I would not just turn up with your dd. That will make things worse between your db and you and I doubt you would enjoy the wedding knowing that your db did not want your dd there. Nothing worse than feeling unwelcome. How often do you bf your dd?

How do you feel about going alone? If the thought upsets you and you decide you would rather miss the wedding, I think that is fair enough. Your db will have to lump it. He didn't leave you with many options saying it was fine, then changing his mind only 4 weeks before the wedding.

cazboldy · 02/05/2008 11:37

I agree with Hecate

I would go to the service on my own - leaving dd with dh at home, and then make my very public apologies that "I have to go now, as dd wasn't invited, and I need to go and feed her. Enjoy the rest of your day!"

Hopefully he will feel completely embarrassed - as he should do

QueenMeabhOfConnaught · 02/05/2008 11:59

You should go to the church whilst dh and dd wander about outside the door getting in the way of all the guests arriving and leaving. Your dh could tell them that the baby is banned.

mum2oneloudbaby · 02/05/2008 12:11

I am generally not opposed to a child-free wedding (had one myself). However, YANBU on this occassion.

he invited your dd
they have their own baby there so why the child free?!

Sounds like something else is going on to me - is the soon to be sil

Beelliesebub · 02/05/2008 12:38

Is his baby going to be there all day??? If not say to him who ever he has looking after his baby could look after yours also and you'll pay them the same rate he is........ then, you've knocked the ball back into his court by saying that you want to go but can't find a sitter and if HE finds you one than you can....

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falcon · 02/05/2008 12:49

Normally I've absolutely no issue with child free weddings, in fact I think I'd choose to have one, in spite of the very strong possibility of my very large extended Catholic family having a hissy fit en masse.

However he has already invited your dd and I think it's rude and unacceptable to withdraw the invitation, particuarly after it's been confirmed several times.

Even if it is a child free wedding I feel the bride and groom are free to have their children at the event, as it is their wedding and their children.

I wouldn't make a sarky comment as suggested by a few, I think that would be almost as rude and would make you look bad and immature.

I do think he's being completely unreasonable by refusing to talk to you as you're unable to attend due to lack of childcare.

If he'd decided at the beginning that your dd wasn't invited, at least you would have had more time to arrange something.

When I have my, currently hypothetical child free wedding, I wouldn't get upset if the restrictions meant that some weren't able to participate due to lack of child care so long as they weren't rude about it.

So to sum up YANBU and your brother is.

littlelapin · 02/05/2008 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbeyA · 02/05/2008 14:04

YANBU - I would show him this thread!!

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