Now I know how you all love a good child-free wedding rant....

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

My dear ol' brother is getting married in 4 weeks time. He is having a child-free wedding. I have no problems with this. It is his wedding, he can have a clown theme if that's what he so desires. Not my wedding, not my choice. The wedding has been planned for a year. I did have some concerns as I have a bf baby who I was reluctant to leave. DB assures me all along that they don't mean babies, just children. I have asked several times just to make sure and each time he has said that bringing dd is fine. Lovely, we've bought her a dress and dh has taken time off work.

Last night db phoned and said they've changed their mind and dd can't come. Okay, still their wedding, they make their own choices but with 4 weeks to go I'm slightly peeved. I have tried to find a babysitter to no avail. All usual babysitters will be at the wedding and the only other option- the ILs- are on holiday. I explained this to db quite rationally and calmly this morning, said I was very sorry that I couldn't find arrangements for dd and could I just sit at the back of the church with dd for the ceremony at least? I don't want to miss my brother's wedding. The answer was no. No children. Apart from their own bf baby who's only a couple of months younger than my own dd.

All of the above isn't really what has made me cross. What has riled me beyond all imagination is the fact that db is no longer talking to me because I 'refuse to attend his wedding'.

So come on then. I dare you to call me unreasonable...

[yurt1]

This isn't some weird and ludricrous bridezilla attempt to make sure that no-one upstages their baby or something is it?

[yurt1]

I think you should say what Hecate said- preferably to both of them- and then if that's not well received go and have a lovely day out with dh and dd.

[zippitippitoes]

i read these things and i am totaly baffled

[kayzisexpecting]

YANBU!!

How would he feel if it was the other way round and you were stopping him and his dw coming to your wedding because they have a baby?

I bet he wouldn't be happy.
Maybe try and talk to him again or to your mum.

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

I do get on with his oh well enough to talk to her about it but (and dear me it sounds awful), it may anger db more. It's her rule anyway I am sure. I have said how sad I am, how much I want to share the day with them and how hard I have tried to find a solution and what else can I do? His response? Surely somebody will take her for a day. Oh yes, there's a rather whiskered old fellow in the park in a coat of multi-coloured stains and the pleasing aroma of scotch who will probably do the job for a packet of woodbines and a few cans.

[pigleto]

could your dh not sit outside in the car with dd during the ceremony? Then at least she can be in the photos.

[eidsvold]

As squonk said - anyone can attend a church wedding - so technically - you could slip in late and sit at the back with your babe. Then what do they do - chuck you out. You could then say you tried everything to find someone to look after your dd but they are all at the wedding. You could then say how lovely it is that she is able to share in this family event just like everyone else in the family - including her little cousin.

[TsarChasm]

Blimey no you're nbu. I honestly didn't realise people got so ridiculous about their weddings until I read these sorts of things on MN.

[moondog]

That is sooooo weird.
I would just keep quiet about it, then on the day, turn up and bring your baby.

If anyone asks why the baby is there just shrug apologetically and say you couldn't get a sitter but equally you couldn't not turn up for your db's wedding. anyway.They won't notice in the day tbh.
It will be considerably less offensive than not going at all which will cause family ructions for years to come.

[ToTheWeddingIShallNotGo]

We're very, very different. I try to reason with him on a number of matters and he fails to understand my perspective in very glaring ways. He just says 'but you're a hippy'. I fail to understand what he means by that but he does drag it out as a protestation on an alarmingly regular basis.

I suspect there is something else at play here. DD is the first grandchild and a few conversations have intimated that he feels his own dc plays second fiddle. This is absolutely not the case but he has a strange 'oneupmanship' mentality. He is my older brother btw. The mature one you might say.

Perhaps I'll suggest that just I come along and dh can sit in a nearby cafe with dd so I can nip out regularly and feed her if necessary and then at least I can attend which is all I want.

[TsarChasm]

I'm surprised you feel you even want to attend as he's being so horrible to you. I'd be tempted to tell him to poke it.

But then there was a time that we didn't speak to dh's brother for 3 years over an equally silly matter, so maybe I wouldn't recommend that. Families, eh?

[kayzisexpecting]

If your dh does sit in a cafe with your dd and people ask where she is I'd tell them that your db didn't want her there.

[belgo]

There's nothing stopping you from going into the church if you really want to go. A church wedding is a public place I think.

I agree with moondog.

[beaniesteve]

Blimey, what an arse.

[kslatts]

YANBU, he should have told you before if he didn't want your baby at the wedding.

[UnquietDad]

"groomzilla" LOL

That's a first isn't it?

[alittlebitshy]

committing the age old MN crime of not reading whole thread (yet) but my initial reaction is that your brother has no right (legally) to tell you you can't come to the church service with the baby. Anyone, anyone, anyone is entitled to go to the wedding service - regardless of their choices for the reception. And that inculeds babies. end of

[catsmother]

I think this is definitely a case of baby oneupmanship going on .... there's no other logical reason for it. Someone doesn't like the idea of the extended family clucking over any baby which doesn't belong to the bride and groom.

What makes this so bad is the fact he's changed the goalposts at such a late date, despite you checking the arrangements several times. That is what I'd be mad about. He's being appallingly rude because of that (as well as being very unreasonable re: the logistics of caring for a BF baby).

[Kimi]

He and wife to be are being a pair of twonks.
They have their own child, so must know how it is with a small baby.

I think you may have something with the fact your child is the first grandchild and there might be a bit of on their part.

I hope that they ask you to babysit at some point for something they just can't miss and you say no.

I am sure wife to be will look lovely in her wedding dress and nursing bra, leaking all through the service with a screaming baby wanting feeding at all the wrong times.... oh hang on thats just my wishful thinking
You are about the only person NBU.

Have a lovely day out with your husband and child, let them get on with their stupidness, I am sure if he acts like this the whole time wife will soon get fed up and so you can always go to his next wedding

[Kimi]

Agree with bit shy, A church service IS a public event so he can not stop you going to the church.

[sitdownpleasegeorge]

Wow what a SIL your're about to acquire.

Not only does she want her and your db to be the centre of attention, no-one is allowed to upstage their baby either.

Is she wanting her baby to have exclusive use of your parents for minding during the service and reception etc or will her own parents be called upon to perform this role ?

It's a public ceremony at the church, even a pissed as a fart, stinking of urine,vomit covered wino could attend !

What do your parents think of this ban ? Are they paying for any of the wedding costs ? (IMHO they ususually feel free to stick their oar in if they are) Surely they want all of your family to be there and if he's your only sibling he will most probably regret this unreasonable request later in life.

If you do end up attending by leaving your baby with your dh, turn up in a bloody wedding dress with a bouquet of your own and cause confusion and embarrassment all round, after all it's what they've done to you and your family. Oh and while your at it send them the bill for your dd's dress and your dh's day off work. They are being mightily ignorant and selfish but I suspect it stems from your dd being the first grandchild in the family and them wanting their own child to get exclusive grandparent attention on the day.

[bluenosesaint]

YA so NBU - he is being a tit!

If it were me, i really wouldn't want to go and i would tell all of the family why!

But, as it is your db and you clearly want to go, i would leave baby with dh and go to the ceremony, then go for a lovely day out with dh and dd afterwards.

[snowleopard]

OK I'll stick my neck out and say it. Yes it's their decision, it's their wedding so it's their choice of course. BUT this is a classic example of child-free-wedding trauma that seems to happen so often. Beloved close relatives not being able to go because they have a baby. Some babies being specially allowed but not others. FGS! The moral is, no one should have a child-free wedding, they should be banned by law. Weddings should be family occasions, so there.

As for what to do, great advice on here. I would probably say to your brother... "is it really so important to you that my DD is not there, that you're prepared for me to miss your wedding? What a shame. I hope you can reconsider that as I would make sure she is no trouble at all." Then leave it with him and don't feel bad as this mess is about a decision he's making, not you.