My parents and PILs put in completely different levels of effort with our kids, aged 3.5 and 2. They’re the only grandchildren on both sides, and both sets of grandparents are retired.
Activities
When we visit, we like to do things with the children: parks, farms, museums, etc. My PILs join in enthusiastically and often suggest fun outings themselves. Over Christmas, they took us to see Santa, a light show, and on plenty of walks. When we were home, MIL and FIL played with the kids: crawling on the floor, reading books, and doing stickers.
My parents, on the other hand, stick to their usual routines. My dad goes for his morning walk and spends the afternoon reading the paper, while my mum either joins him or runs errands before reading her book or meeting a friend. They don’t adjust their day to engage with the kids. If we suggest joining them for their walk, they get impatient and often race ahead after 10 minutes, complaining about the weather. At home, they’ll let the kids sit beside them but won’t really interact, beyond letting them climb up and “read” alongside them.
Food and Timings
It often feels like we’re just existing alongside my parents rather than spending time together. For example, today, my parents finished their lunch while the kids were still eating, but that didn’t stop them from bringing out mince pies for their tea, tempting the kids and disrupting their meal.
At my PILs’ house, they’re thoughtful and accommodating. They plan mealtimes to work for everyone: no Christmas morning snacks until the kids are done with lunch, and if one child is still eating, no dessert comes out for anyone. It feels like we’re spending time as a family, with everyone’s needs considered.
If one of the kids calls MIL while she’s cooking, she’ll either involve them in food prep or hand over to FIL to play with them. My parents, on the other hand, stay focused on what they’re doing. If they’re reading, cooking, or on their phones, they’ll let the kids sit nearby but won’t engage much. It’s things like, “Yes, that’s the weather forecast I’m looking at on my phone. Don’t touch. Let’s see what BBC News says now. Oh, you want to go? Alright, climb off the sofa and go. No, I’m not coming, bring it here if you want to show me.” without even looking up from their phone.