To feel upset that my parents don't put in as much effort for DCs as in laws

[roseandtho]

My parents and PILs put in completely different levels of effort with our kids, aged 3.5 and 2. They’re the only grandchildren on both sides, and both sets of grandparents are retired.

Activities

When we visit, we like to do things with the children: parks, farms, museums, etc. My PILs join in enthusiastically and often suggest fun outings themselves. Over Christmas, they took us to see Santa, a light show, and on plenty of walks. When we were home, MIL and FIL played with the kids: crawling on the floor, reading books, and doing stickers.

My parents, on the other hand, stick to their usual routines. My dad goes for his morning walk and spends the afternoon reading the paper, while my mum either joins him or runs errands before reading her book or meeting a friend. They don’t adjust their day to engage with the kids. If we suggest joining them for their walk, they get impatient and often race ahead after 10 minutes, complaining about the weather. At home, they’ll let the kids sit beside them but won’t really interact, beyond letting them climb up and “read” alongside them.

Food and Timings

It often feels like we’re just existing alongside my parents rather than spending time together. For example, today, my parents finished their lunch while the kids were still eating, but that didn’t stop them from bringing out mince pies for their tea, tempting the kids and disrupting their meal.

At my PILs’ house, they’re thoughtful and accommodating. They plan mealtimes to work for everyone: no Christmas morning snacks until the kids are done with lunch, and if one child is still eating, no dessert comes out for anyone. It feels like we’re spending time as a family, with everyone’s needs considered.

If one of the kids calls MIL while she’s cooking, she’ll either involve them in food prep or hand over to FIL to play with them. My parents, on the other hand, stay focused on what they’re doing. If they’re reading, cooking, or on their phones, they’ll let the kids sit nearby but won’t engage much. It’s things like, “Yes, that’s the weather forecast I’m looking at on my phone. Don’t touch. Let’s see what BBC News says now. Oh, you want to go? Alright, climb off the sofa and go. No, I’m not coming, bring it here if you want to show me.” without even looking up from their phone.

My PIls loved spending time with young children. They went on walks and played pooh sticks and organised activities etc.

My mil was a primary teacher,

When my kids got to being teens she was still treating them like they were 5 and my parents became the popular grandparents as they talked to the teens like they were adult.

Your parents in law sound lovely, your parents sound like hard work (to put it politely)

im NW ….most people have their first GC early 50s where I am….fair few in Their 40s…. I’ve done loads with mine as little one ….my eldest is 9 now….we been Australia, Disney as well as general holidays…..school runs….playing in park …beach days….like no way could I do that in my 70s

We have the same but the other way round. My parents are great, in laws are fine but not really engaging or excited. Unfortunately it means spending a lot more time with my parents as spending time with in laws is stressful and just not that enjoyable. But they like it that way! DH is a bit sad about it but we can't change people.

I'm starting to realise there's a lot of difference in what people in their seventies can cope with.

My dad is 72, and very sadly is showing some cognitive decline. He's amazingly physically fit for his age, and recently redecorated my eldest's room including constructing a captain's bed - this was her Christmas present for him, and it looks amazing. However, these are all skills he already had. But sadly, he couldn't manage to play a game with my boys in Christmas day because it was new to him and he couldn't absorb the rules even though it's a simple dice game.

My parents have been wondeful with helping out with childcare. They had eldest 2 days a week after I returned to work and took her to groups. With the younger 3 they have still wanted to do one day a week but don't feel up to taking them out to groups. They just don't want to be out an about as much. But they are still loving parents and grandparents and the children love their company.

Perhaps your parents cling onto their routine? Whereas in laws may be more able to cope with outings? What might your parents enjoy doing with the children? My dad loves to read with mine, and its wonderful to see 3 of them piled on the sofa around him with the baby hanging into his knees. But there's no way he would play on the floor with them.

I think you are lucky that your pil are still like that, at 70+ they are likely to be a bit stuck in their ways. My mum is 73 and her grandchildren are adults!

I had both sets of grandparents growing up, and loved both equally. Mum's parents would rarely have got down on the floor to play with us, but they were very supportive of our interests and hobbies, and we valued that as we got older.

There's no right or wrong way here; as long as they all care about the kids, the DC will be happy! Their interests will change as they grow and they may find the quieter "just get on with things" grandparents easier to get on with.

A positive MIL thread for once 😍

Also in same situation though many years into it now.

I recall my mother actually saying to my 6 month old son on his first Christmas ( first GC in the family, and we had trecked there for Christmas):

'I'll be a great Nanny when you are 4' and promptly ignored him for the rest of our visit'

I felt embarrassed she was so hopeless; it was unexpected as she had always spoken about how excited she would be blah blah blah which was utter garbage.

We have never spent Christmas with them since!

NW is North West? It’s not about location, it’s about class. Working class, lower income women have children at a younger age. They’re also more likely to have been born to younger mothers.

You do realise that you and the people you know are in the minority though?

I think you just have to suck it up. They're different people...

Well yes. I’m north west and had my first baby at 38, similar to all my friends. We had probably seen enough teen pregnancies at our very catholic secondary school as well.

How are your parents when they visit you?

When we visit, we like to do things with the children: parks, farms, museums, etc

This could be the issue. It's very generational. Constantly entertaining and stimulating children is a very modern thing. 30 years ago, kids were plonked on the floor with a few toys or when older put in the garden to play with siblings.

It maybe its just not their world and they think spoon feeding kids with something all the time like farms, museums, constant play is ridiculous to them. It certainly stiffles imaginative play in kids today and leads to shorter attention spans.

So it could be they just have a different attitude because of their own generations way of raising children. You turned out ok I'm assuming and were raised by them!

You can’t change people OP. Just be thankful that both sets of grandparents want to see your children, and that your in-laws interact with the children as you expect grandparents to.

Both sides are like that in our family. Ils don't understand why grandkids aren't enthralled by them but they don't play with them or will suggest a game that's too grown up and are miffed when kids can't follow it/wander off. Everything has to be to their time scales and they will think nothing of keeping kids waiting 30 minutes then moan that the kids are whiny. They prepare meals they like and get annoyed if kids don't share their love of fish pie and broccoli.
My dad is worse he's very much of the children should be seen and not heard ear.

I think you are being unfair to your parents. I don't yet have any grandchildren and have to admit I'm likely to be like your parents. I don't like small children - didn't really like mine much then. They are boring and hard work. 7 up they are bearable and 11,plus delightful . I love teenagers. Not everyone wants to get on the floor and play at elephants. I'd rather go under a bus. However if you want me to take 3 fourteen year olds to Italy I'd go like a shot.
Different people like different stages. Make the most of what you've got and stop complaining.

Accept that everyone is different. Accept it. No stress

It's the thought that counts. We all get pressies we don't want but not all of us moan about it. Basically, get a life!

Being hurt is a strong reaction!

I had kids when my parents were in their late 50s/early 60s and they were really hands on and involved. I've noticed them really slow down in their early 70s and can't imagine they would do as much now if we had littlies.

They’re just different and will bring different things to your dcs’ lives. That’s ok. Try to embrace the positives and enjoy the differences. There will be different stages & ages and different grandparenting will suit at different times.

People are all different. Some wish to be more involved with GCs than others. 🙂

I think we will be seeing a fair bit more of disengaged grandparents in the next 10 years onwards, partly because so many people for obvious reasons are having children a lot later - meaning many grandparents can be very late 60s , even with a baby and in their 70s when kids growing up - whereas my mum and in laws were grandparents mid to late 40s and then again mid 50s - Theres a big difference with many in terms of energy levels and often interests too between late 40s and late 60s/early 70s - as others have said many were great grandparents by that stage in the past . The other thing too is far more women post 50 are still in full time work or quite senior in careers, so grandchildren may be a part of their life but not their huge focus - whereas I had a mother who worked 18 hours a week at most after 35 and grandmothers who had done jack shit paid work since their late 20s - that possibly doesn't apply in OPs case, I just think she is exceptionally lucky with involved energetic in-laws

You and yours seem to have had kids very young.
60s-70s is the norm for grandparents round here. None of my school friends had kids until late 20s at the very earliest. I think it varies on location but I wouldn't call 70-73 elderly for grandparents to toddlers.