To feel upset that my parents don't put in as much effort for DCs as in laws

[roseandtho]

My parents and PILs put in completely different levels of effort with our kids, aged 3.5 and 2. They’re the only grandchildren on both sides, and both sets of grandparents are retired.

Activities

When we visit, we like to do things with the children: parks, farms, museums, etc. My PILs join in enthusiastically and often suggest fun outings themselves. Over Christmas, they took us to see Santa, a light show, and on plenty of walks. When we were home, MIL and FIL played with the kids: crawling on the floor, reading books, and doing stickers.

My parents, on the other hand, stick to their usual routines. My dad goes for his morning walk and spends the afternoon reading the paper, while my mum either joins him or runs errands before reading her book or meeting a friend. They don’t adjust their day to engage with the kids. If we suggest joining them for their walk, they get impatient and often race ahead after 10 minutes, complaining about the weather. At home, they’ll let the kids sit beside them but won’t really interact, beyond letting them climb up and “read” alongside them.

Food and Timings

It often feels like we’re just existing alongside my parents rather than spending time together. For example, today, my parents finished their lunch while the kids were still eating, but that didn’t stop them from bringing out mince pies for their tea, tempting the kids and disrupting their meal.

At my PILs’ house, they’re thoughtful and accommodating. They plan mealtimes to work for everyone: no Christmas morning snacks until the kids are done with lunch, and if one child is still eating, no dessert comes out for anyone. It feels like we’re spending time as a family, with everyone’s needs considered.

If one of the kids calls MIL while she’s cooking, she’ll either involve them in food prep or hand over to FIL to play with them. My parents, on the other hand, stay focused on what they’re doing. If they’re reading, cooking, or on their phones, they’ll let the kids sit nearby but won’t engage much. It’s things like, “Yes, that’s the weather forecast I’m looking at on my phone. Don’t touch. Let’s see what BBC News says now. Oh, you want to go? Alright, climb off the sofa and go. No, I’m not coming, bring it here if you want to show me.” without even looking up from their phone.

My parents and PIL are exactly the same.

It used to frustrate me but I've just accepted it now. We spend a lot of time with my PIL and hardly any with my parents in comparison. I think looking back my parents weren't the most loving parents so I'm not sure why I expected any different from them as grandparents. When my first was born it really upset me as they took no interest in him apart from the odd hold. By my second child I knew what to expect, disappointing but expected.

It doesn't seem to bother them that we spend more time with the PIL's and the children quite clearly prefer them so what's the point in trying to change it.

People are different.
I loved both sets of grandparents dearly, they were very kind.
They never played with me or got down on the floor, but they chatted and i always felt loved.

Oh OP Im feeling similar to you although the other way round. Mum has childminded for me once a week since I went back to work at 9 months for each child. As such she has a lovely relationship with both kids and knows them like a third parent, its beautiful. In laws, I love them but they live further away. See them about 4-6 times a year for a long weekend or a week at cottage together. They hinted for years that they wanted grandchildren but when we are there it feels like theyre very much irritated by the children for being children. Don’t try and foster any one-on-one time with them. I think in my MIL ideal world the kids would sit quietly colouring while the adults drink wine. My kids can do that for a little while but rightly they need more stimulation and outdoor time. Makes me really sad that if they made the effort they could really get to know these lovely kids and have that lovely relationship with them but by the time the kids are older and more tolerable for them it’ll be too late, they’re really aging fast now.

Some people love being around children. Some don't. Don't think that changes much whether gp or not. Your parents sound quite selfish so just be happy you got great pils and spend more time with them.

And society always blames the youngsters for being addicted to their phones! I read so much on Mumsnet about people "being on their phone" and I don't really understand what it means as I'm 62 and don't use my phone as a leisure activity. I'm sorry your parents are so shite OP .

My Mum was 69 when her first grandchild was born. I had many issues with her myself as a child, teenager, young adult, yada yada - but when she was with my children she was absolutely brilliant with them! She couldn't get down on the floor and play but she loved them, cuddled them, read to them, bought thoughtful little gifts, took a deep interest in their lives (and all the way up into their teens and early adulthood) helped me out as much as she could (I remember her lovingly handwashing all their baby woollens on one visit).

I could have cut her off for being a rubbish parent but she really stepped up as a grandparent - although from a distance (my choice) - and that did some healing there. She died earlier this year and I always feel that being a grandparent was one of the most wonderful experiences of her life, the years prior were fairly unhappy for a variety of reasons.

My parents were like your PILs - and of similar age when mine were small. They just loved children and had a lot of fun with them. They told me once the best years of their lives were when we were toddlers/small children. They are long dead now but my children - and their other grandchildren - still remember them fondly and with love.

I think we will be seeing a lot more disengaged grandparents because people are basically addicted to their phones.

Except we are not ….. at all

You aren't in your friendship group but I meant if you look at the average age for first time grandparents nowadays.

Well the average age to have a first child is 30
So yes, as women stay in education and establish careers, of course grandparents are older than you suggest.
For families that have been university educated for a number of generations, and women have had careers, grandparents are significantly older than your experience

I was thinking of taking my daughter to a childrens museum and if you buy tickets you get to go as many times as you want in a year.

I said that we could go DH, me and DD and another time maybe my parents could take her as it would be free due to the ticket type.

I just got an 'oh no, days out like that are only for parents taking their children not grandparents' so that was the end of that!

This is another thing... My parents don’t visit us, expect us to visit them. In fairness this sort of makes sense because they have a much bigger house and there’s space for us to stay, whereas if they were to stay with us the space is much more limited. They could easily visit for a day though but they... just don't. When they do visit it's with a purpose, for example my mum comes up to London (where I live) for the theatre with me, my dad and I might meet up for an event in London for our mutual hobby.

PILs visit us too and we normally suggest what to do - they seem equally happy just playing at home, being in the park or having a 'day out' like a museum.

Well at least they're consistent. My in laws are like yours with my nephews/nieces - and like your parents with my DC.

That's sad for your children but at least they've got one set of involved GP.

Being very truthful here,but I find small children a bit boring BUT when I became a first time GM....goodness me I did everything and anything he wanted to do.

Spent 2 hours in the playground in winter.
Zoo visits.
Colouring

I did and continue to do these things (more GC ) because my GC are precious to me.

You're not going to change your parents OP.

It's the same if we're just in the park or at home, they won't interact, even when the child is saying "come, granny, look at this!!"

Equally if we're at home, my parents always say I should take them out, children should be outdoors, why don't we go to the [farm / park / funfair] but never want to come with us

Funnily enough my mum hasn't worked since early 30s (my dad has had a long and difficult career so maybe that's why he's not keen to now work hard as a grandparent).
MIL and FIL had equally as demanding jobs - far less demanding than my dad's, theirs were very much 9-5 and 9-3 for FIL and MIL respectively, retired in their 50s.
So my mum has had a much easier life than PILs, my dad has had a more relaxing life (because my parents are wealthier) in some ways but also a more demanding one (running a business, never really switching off even on weekends and holidays)

Try not to let it get you down and be thankful for lovely in laws (they sound amazing)

@Pallisers yes PILs say the same that their best years were when the kids were small.

YANBU to wish your parents/mum put in more effort. It’s hard when the kids are wanting to engage and build a relationship and they’re rejected because the grandparent isn’t interested but makes all the noises about wanting to see the kids. Is half an hour of input so hard?

@roseandtho yep my own mum did a bit of part time only from about 39 - however was totally disinterested both in her children if I'm honest and grandchildren - was extremely all about her 'primary romantic relationship ' - and like yours - comfortably off .

Some people are just not very interested in children. My mum wasn't very interested in me when I was a kid never mind my daughter!

You have one lovely supportive set of Grandparents who really get children. All will benefit. You have another set that are less engaged, but are still there and doing what they think grandparenting is. As the children grow up, they may be better with them, they may not, some are definitely "more relateable" at different ages. Your children, once adults, will come to respect both styles. I have got 5 children (now all in their '20s) and my parents were like your PIL, whereas my PIL were more like your parents. My kids (now all adults) love them all (sort of) equally, but do not enjoy them equally, but obviously there are better memories with my parents and the loyalty bond with my parents is very strong. But they did enjoy both, and sometimes enjoyed things at the "less involved set of grandparents" than you would think because the focus was not on them. They used to have all sorts of "daft adventures" completely unfettered by parental or grandparental care, and were treated in a more adult way - something they would have never got away with at my mum's house. Kids are very adaptable as they get older, they realise people are different, and as long as they are loved, and can find something in it, they adapt. As others have said, don't let "different" be "lesser" - comparison is the thief of joy. x

I agree. I’m 40, when my eldest was born my mum was early 40s, worked part time as she had since I was a child. MIL was late 30s, still had young children, didn’t work outside the home. So they were both young enough to have energy to play with the kids (and babysit which we were so grateful for!) but also as they don’t work full time they also had the time. Seems a lot less common now.

When mine were little I could’ve wrote this post myself. My PIL were amazing with mine up until the age of about 9/10, playing and trips out now the kids are all teens they’re indifferent and my own parents are much more engaged. They obviously just find different ages of children easier to engage with

Your parents-in-law sound fantastic and above and beyond - you’re really lucky to have them!

Your parents just sound different and set in their ways. The only thing that seems outright unreasonable of them is bringing our pudding when the children haven’t finished their mains, I agree that’s unfair.

Maybe just spend more time with the ILs than your DPs as you prefer their company?

My family as a whole wasn’t brilliant when my kids were very small in respect that they did think all the effort and hard graft remained with parents whilst visiting, rather than the family pitching in, and my dad had a similar thing going re his fixed meal times. But they’re pretty good now mine are older. My Mum was good with them when they were toddlers but my dad and brothers were very much “no quarter given”.