To feel upset that my parents don't put in as much effort for DCs as in laws

[roseandtho]

My parents and PILs put in completely different levels of effort with our kids, aged 3.5 and 2. They’re the only grandchildren on both sides, and both sets of grandparents are retired.

Activities

When we visit, we like to do things with the children: parks, farms, museums, etc. My PILs join in enthusiastically and often suggest fun outings themselves. Over Christmas, they took us to see Santa, a light show, and on plenty of walks. When we were home, MIL and FIL played with the kids: crawling on the floor, reading books, and doing stickers.

My parents, on the other hand, stick to their usual routines. My dad goes for his morning walk and spends the afternoon reading the paper, while my mum either joins him or runs errands before reading her book or meeting a friend. They don’t adjust their day to engage with the kids. If we suggest joining them for their walk, they get impatient and often race ahead after 10 minutes, complaining about the weather. At home, they’ll let the kids sit beside them but won’t really interact, beyond letting them climb up and “read” alongside them.

Food and Timings

It often feels like we’re just existing alongside my parents rather than spending time together. For example, today, my parents finished their lunch while the kids were still eating, but that didn’t stop them from bringing out mince pies for their tea, tempting the kids and disrupting their meal.

At my PILs’ house, they’re thoughtful and accommodating. They plan mealtimes to work for everyone: no Christmas morning snacks until the kids are done with lunch, and if one child is still eating, no dessert comes out for anyone. It feels like we’re spending time as a family, with everyone’s needs considered.

If one of the kids calls MIL while she’s cooking, she’ll either involve them in food prep or hand over to FIL to play with them. My parents, on the other hand, stay focused on what they’re doing. If they’re reading, cooking, or on their phones, they’ll let the kids sit nearby but won’t engage much. It’s things like, “Yes, that’s the weather forecast I’m looking at on my phone. Don’t touch. Let’s see what BBC News says now. Oh, you want to go? Alright, climb off the sofa and go. No, I’m not coming, bring it here if you want to show me.” without even looking up from their phone.

I think they’re just very different types of people

How old are they? Were your parents the same when you were growing up?

Just different people - your parents maybe s not as perfect as his but they are just getting on with things. It’s not deliberate.

my mother literally mocks me and gives dirty looks. Yours are not as involved as dh but I wouldn’t hold it against them.

Your PILs sound lovely! I can see why it's hurtful that your parents don't engage in the same way - that would bother me too. The only thing I would say is that not everybody is good with very young kids/toddlers. It might be that your parents relax and get into it a bit more as the kids get older.

My brother and wife spend more time with his wife’s parents as they are so kind to them. I’d try to lessen expectations and maybe you don’t need them to be overt involved with trips and all that. It’s their home I suppose.

They're different people 🤷🏻‍♀️ are they the same age? Were they different when bringing you up?

Both levels of efforts sound fine - your parents might not be to the standards of your PILs (which your post sounds like you prefer) but sounds like they're still seeing your DC but just not doing as much parenting as your PIL.

I'm an aunt and tbh my DH is crawling on the flaw with the nibling, joining in games and playing etc and I'm not. That's just the people we are!

Almost all the same age. 70-73 all of them

I don't remember toddler years but I feel like I was an independent teen. They definitely spend some time with me and put in effort when I was 7+ from what I remember.

Maybe they just set in their ways now they are that old…..my first GC was born when I was 50 and the others within a few years….I’m 59 now and not sure I could be bothered with little ones in my 70s.
mostly those I know in their 70s are GGPs

Pils sound great, but my (ex) mil was similar when my dc were young and she didn't adapt as my dc grew. I felt quite similar to you when my dc were younger but now they prefer my parents as they are more laid back, listen to them and have fewer expectations.

Not saying that's what will happen with your family but I think you should just accept they're different people and your dc can get different experiences from them alongside learning that the world won't always bend to their wills exactly.

You are blessed with amazing in laws OP.

Some people have it in them and some don't, your parents have their own way of dealing with their Grand kids and your parents may interact more when your DC as they get older.

It is quit a contrast.

Just wondering ,are they your DPs first DGC or do they have older ones .Sometimes younger DGC get a lesser deal.Maybe just the way they are otherwise .Small ones are cute but hard work!

Maybe your parents in law are afraid to be themselves around you so deliberately put on what they know you would like, whereas your own parents just get on with their normal lives.
There is nothing wrong with your parents. You’ve just conditioned yourself to expect perfection based on what you’ve seen with the in-laws. Most people just get on with their lives and the grandchildren learn to know them from that. They aren’t being harmed or disadvantage. Your idea of “everyone’s needs being met” just doesn’t align with your parents

When I was growing up, my friends parents always seemed like the best. I wished I had other parents, it often made it hard to see the positives my own parents brought.
"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Don't compare... be thankful that you have two healthy sets of grandparents your children get to enjoy in their individual way.

As long as they are loving and caring in the ways they know how, surely that's better than nothing at all?

People are different.

Let your children spend more time with your in-laws than your parents until your kids are a lot older. In the meantime do short visits with your parents trying to avoid meal times.

My MIL was very similar to your in-laws OP and my parents were, while always pleased to see the GC, not really actively engaged. As a result we spent more time with MIL, it was more fun and she liked to babysit. But GPs are what they are, though the meal examples are annoying, it would annoy me if people started eating pudding while the kids were still eating their main.

Yes the two children are the only grandchildren on both sides of the family.

OP said only DGC on both sides.

@Kitkat1523 id say based on my friends with children, a lot have parents (ie children's grandparents) who are in the 65-75 bracket

Gosh those ages are incredibly tough. I have a 2yo and most days I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I can't imagine wanting to traipse around museums with 3yos in my 70's !
I agree with you about the food thing but everything else I'm on their side.

Some people are better with older children and some better with younger ones. It might be your parents will find it easier to relate to them when the children are more grown up,

I think you have two polar opposites here, so the differences are a lot more obvious. I would just accept your parents are just the way they are. They may come into their own when the children are older, and maybe your in-laws might go the opposite way when your dcs are older, because they prefer them at baby/toddler age? My in-laws refused to babysit mine when they were very young, but then enjoyed spending a lot of time with them when they could actually have a conversation with them.

I mean that's just the way it is 🤷‍♀️

My in laws are amazing with the kids - they adore them and have always got on the ground to play with them, invested time and love in their relationships. My own parents....not at all. Their loss

Well I can see why your parents don’t look as good next to your in laws-your in laws sound great!

I have similar with my MIL and my mother, my MIL will talk to my children, do things with them etc whilst my mother is staring at her phone and has never once suggested taking my children anywhere unless I’m there. The thing is, I get it. It’s so much easier to absorb yourself in a passive world of websites or tv than engage with other people. I have to fight that urge sometimes. The only thing you can do really is accept their personality type and at least you have one good set!

That's elderly for grandparents, my parents are 75, I'm 55 and the grandchildren are in their late twenties early 30s. It is exhausting 😩 sorry your parents seem a bit indifferent. Perhaps PIL are extraordinary rather than yours not so,