Did my parents buy too much for DC?

[Christmasgrumpster]

My parents had quite a hard upbringing without much but now have enough money to treat DGC. They bought my DS:

a nice fleece jumper
Small play set cost approx £20
Large floor jigsaw
Coat (showed to me first to check it was ok and needed, it is)
Bike helmet (we asked for and need)
Little pets hamster in ball
3 L/s tops

all clothes M&S just to gauge pricing

DH’s mum bought DS a lovely hoodie and trousers (expensive brand like Jojo maman Bebe) and a lovely special book with activity attached.

DH had a rant at me that my parents buy too much and ruin the specialness of Christmas. I had a lovely day but feel so deflated now 😞). Fwiw, DS is 3 and not really arsed who bought him what. I’m not bothered which grandparents buy more and very grateful for the beautiful gifts his parents chose.

fwiw DH’s parents have double the number of DGC that mine have to buy for so that may affect things.

YABU - that’s far too many gifts from a grandparent and they should be spoken to and told to buy less

YANBU - let them go for it, it’s lovely to be spoiled by grandparents.

It’s not like it’s an excessive amount of toys, can’t imagine any 3 year old getting excited about receiving clothes unless it’s latest football strip/fairy princess outfit. Why bother giving coat etc as presents to unwrap, it sets a precedent for amount of gifts, could have just been bought to help you out.

I definitely don't think little kids care about clothes and see them as more of a gift for the parents, ie saves parents buying winter jacket.

I think the reason DGPs give them as gifts is to avoid awkwardness around giving something to help parents out without them feeling like a charity case.

So basically you want everyone to work to the lowest common denominator? Because one set of grandparents don’t buy as much neither can the other?

how about just being grateful the child has people in his life who care for him and want to buy him presents. Even better when the presents being purchased are practical ones!

What does your DH expect to happen if you agree with him? You can’t expect the grandparents to agree a budget or number of gifts.

Doesn't sound excessive to me. DH probably feels inadequate but he is being a little bit precious about it all. It's honestly not how much they get but that the child is humble about the receiving.

DH's parents have helped us out financially a few times (long term loans pay back what you can per month kind of thing) however send one or two presents for the kids at Christmas. They do however have six grandchildren to buy for. Whereas my side of the family I'm the eldest in my generation (17 cousins) and only two of us have kids. As a result mine do get a little more spoilt but there are many more family members and they all like to buy something even at my protest.

I don't think it's too much, and in fact, it all sounds really lovely to me.

My husband and I brought loads for our Gs 2.5 and Gs 1.5., none of the gifts were brought with any intentions of overshadowing anyone else’s presents. We don’t see it as a competition and have been told for eldest Gs’s birthday his parents are getting him a bike he really wants. All presents for them were brought with love by everyone within people’s budget.

It sounds like a lot of those presents are really thoughtful and helping you out as a family. It sounds like your dh is feeling jealous and insecure. I think a solution might have been to not wrap up the bike helmet and coat and just have those things as ordinary everyday purchases. Your ds is a bit young to have so many gifts and it sets you up for stress of having to keep up the volume of gifts for many years to come.

That sounds fine, you got a few items of clothing which means less for you to pay for and a couple of items that you needed so again saving your money for something else.

MIL always spends more on our DC than my DM (PIL made good money/pension choices whereas my DM was on her own and has no private pension). Nobody notices or cares.

Your DH isn't complaining about his gift then?

Yes, I don’t really notice or care and I don’t think dc do either.

We aren’t doing presents for adults at the moment apart from a small token. My parents have bought DH a couple of generous things in the past (only where appropriate and they knew would be useful) and he was grateful but privately a bit awkward and eye rolly about it.

Your husband is a twit.

those useful gifts don’t sound excessive at all
(assuming the hamster is a toy, not a real one?)

Not at all! - My GP's used to buy double the amount my parents bought. My dad sometimes raised an eyebrow at it but we obviously loved it! Lost my nan this year at almost 99 years old and look back on those Christmas memories with fondness.

Yes, I could have said not to wrap some gifts, I wasn’t really aware of all of them. I think they were probably worried that DS is now old enough to notice if cousins got more and they sort of tried to please everyone but clearly failed! I won’t be saying anything to them apart from a huge thank you but will direct a bit more on birthday gifts. I’ll also set DS up a savings pot in my name so I can save on his behalf I think.

Some others asked if my parents also buy extra throughout the year. They tend not to as DH has been slightly awkward about that in the past. PIL actually gave a few holiday gifts in summer when they got back from abroad so I think probably gave more this year. I also make an effort to talk about and encourage the lovely gifts from PIL so I think DS plays with those gifts more if anything.

Yes a toy! Quite small although requiring battery and a bit plastic 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I don't think his parents bought enough. Kids don't want clothes for Christmas!

I think your parents got it just right.

Your DH is ruining the 'specialness' of Cheistmas all by himself.

My late parents would buy DC coats and clothing mostly just as a nice gift help out for us rather than at Christmas. I don't think what your parents have bought is too much at all

You cannot say that.
We have no idea what their financial situation is, eyeballs in debt, threat of redundancy or little pension.

Or maybe they just don't believe in Christmas and choose to give more at Birthdays.

Either way nobody can comment on how much or little someone gifts ever.

Not even remotely excessive. Your husband just doesn’t want your parents to outshine his own which is very childish considering your child won’t even be aware.

I think there’s an amount of jealousy of the care my parents show. He has a more fractured relationship

@Christmasgrumpster Ah, this is similar to my friend whose husband won’t accept the washing machine. He’s from a more fractured and less well-off family so he don’t like accepting anything either.

But what they fail to realize is that it genuinely gives grandparents pleasure to treat their children and grandchildren. They’re not being patronizing nor implying that you can’t provide for yourselves, they want to treat you!

If it's causing tension then it's just as well to discuss it now, hopefully everyone involved is mature enough to handle it.
There's a difference between financial help and excessive gifting. If grandparents want to help with costs that's lovely, on the other hand over-gifting can feel very intrusive.

In this case it doesn't sound like that's the way it's intended, most people don't want to upset others, so open communication now is probably a good plan.

How do you tell the Ops parents not to gift so much without sounding very ungrateful?

How do you propose the grandparents keep things equal within their family, keeping the young children the same? Give it a few years kids talk to each other? What did you get from Granny?

Op and her DH need to accept the families have very different budgets. And you know what sometimes you can make use of that when you see a need for a new biggish ticket item but the kid wants some plastic tat!

Your DH needs to look at himself and make changes or he risks ruining gifts for everyone in the family in future. It is a perfectly normal amount of gifts and giving to a savings account is also a normal thing for families to do.

Once Christmas has passed, perhaps it would be good to talk to him about it.

My PiL gave my children a £10 note each. They’re not short of money, they spend spend spend and give hundreds to animal shelters every month. Your husband should be grateful your parents aren’t tight arses like my husband’s parents are with our kids