Did my parents buy too much for DC?

[Christmasgrumpster]

My parents had quite a hard upbringing without much but now have enough money to treat DGC. They bought my DS:

a nice fleece jumper
Small play set cost approx £20
Large floor jigsaw
Coat (showed to me first to check it was ok and needed, it is)
Bike helmet (we asked for and need)
Little pets hamster in ball
3 L/s tops

all clothes M&S just to gauge pricing

DH’s mum bought DS a lovely hoodie and trousers (expensive brand like Jojo maman Bebe) and a lovely special book with activity attached.

DH had a rant at me that my parents buy too much and ruin the specialness of Christmas. I had a lovely day but feel so deflated now 😞). Fwiw, DS is 3 and not really arsed who bought him what. I’m not bothered which grandparents buy more and very grateful for the beautiful gifts his parents chose.

fwiw DH’s parents have double the number of DGC that mine have to buy for so that may affect things.

YABU - that’s far too many gifts from a grandparent and they should be spoken to and told to buy less

YANBU - let them go for it, it’s lovely to be spoiled by grandparents.

You're right, numpty husband is the real problem here.

Your husband is being a misery guts. My in-laws have gone completely overboard for our children - it’s definitely too much (think presents overflowing from under the tree for a metre in each direction including multiple big ticket items), and it is a bit overwhelming but I’m seeing it as incredibly generous. It’s not tat, while there is a LOT it’s all clearly carefully chosen and has been bought very much with the DC and their interests in mind. Our DC are their only DGCs and they were quite hard up when DH and his siblings were little so I think are really loving having the ability to spoil DGC at Christmas. I won’t be saying anything negative whatsoever but will be getting the kids to make really nice thank you cards.

I wouldn't count the clothes, a 3 year old won't notice these. Clothes just save you money throughout the year, win win.

Your DH would pass away if he saw what my parents get my nephews. He is a grinch.

Not all kids get overwhelmed either. My kids could open presents all day 🤣
My Dad got them loads and they loved the excitement of opening them all. Sounds like your husband has a massive chip on his shoulder.

Ha it’s fine. “D”H is presumably embarrassed and thinks it makes his parents/family look bad. I bet if the situation were reversed he wouldn’t be so vocal.

It’s fine and I wish that my children (now teenagers) had had generous grandparents growing up, ours have tended to be miserly.

Until this year as they each got $50 from my in-laws__, which is unheard of and greatly appreciated by teens!

We have just come back from my in-laws with a large storage bag full of gifts for my two kids (plus one each from an aunt). Kids are 5 and 1. Right now i am overly tired and frustrated (long day), and all i can think about is that this massive bag of gifts is mostly tat that i will have to sort and organise, and will need to try to make room for in an already overfilled house. I also had a very minimal present receiving experience as a kid.

My issue, it seems, is more to do with my own sense of overwhelm and the clutter in my household than the gifts themselves (i am very lucky to have family members who wish to give my child things). It is the sense that these are yet more things to tidy up, keep track of small pieces, find space for, try (eventually) to convince child to part with. My house is already bursting as many of the toys from the first child were saved for the second child - so we really don't need as much.

Admittedly a small part of my issue is also that things are bought off an amazon wish list, but not from the list directly, so we end up buying duplicates (that's a future birthday present bought early ruined, and it is past the time i could return it).

The whole experience is a bit much for me, and i sympathise with your DH from that regard. It is lovely to have grandparents who buy lots, it is not lovely to have lots and lots of stuff. Although in your scenario the 'stuff' does at least sound like it is useful and needed.

I think it’s fine. Not all of it needs to be for Christmas, e.g. bike helmet and clothes. But it’s not crazy.

Is there.a back story here. Did your parents know what his parents were buying? Do they have a record of being a bit show offie? Is he a bit upset because his parents didn't show the same amount of "love" that yours did...he shouldn't take it out on you but...?

You might not even notice your parents behaviour...my wife's sister is the golden child. So if we buy anything mil will always say "do you think Doris would like one of those" meaning she ill buy her what we had to pay for ourselves. She even paid off Doris mortgage. When fil was alive they gave her a new car dw got £1k to "make it fair" yet dw took all this as being normal, as she is conditioned to that being the usual way of things.

My parents are in a position to spoil my DC and take pleasure in treating them. I personally don't see any harm in it all and appreciate that they also do this to help us out rather than try to trump us in gifts etc. if it comes from a good place and intentions then I would let them

Yes @Mamofteenager I’m at the point in life where if someone wants to give me or my children something that isn’t tat, I’ll gratefully accept it. Life is expensive so any decent gifts are welcome! 😂

A younger friend told me recently that her Dad has offered to buy them a new washing machine, but her DH doesn’t want to accept it as he thinks they should provide for themselves. I advised them to accept the gift, it’ll give her Dad pleasure to help them out and he can afford it so that’s not an issue.

That sounds perfectly fine to me - and similar to what my parents would spend on my DC. Most sound Iike practical things that you'd need anyway, so always helpful. My DC got a big bag full of things each from my parents today, and £20.00 each plus some choc treats from my FIL. All equally appreciated. FIL definitely couldn't afford to give more, particularly with having 10 grandchildren, and my parents are well off, but I value each of their gifts equally.

If it was that many toys yes, but it wasn’t it was a load of useful stuff at a time it’s way to handover loads and help you out. It’s lovely. Will get expensive if they end up with half a dozen grandkids though.

Sounds like a lot to me but then I never knew my own grandparents and my parents gave one gift to each grandchild which was fine. They don't have to be equal between grandparents- his shouldn't feel bad giving less and neither should yours if they want to give what they do. But it does seem like a lot - it's about what I would get my kids. Though most kids don't think clothing counts!

Really the fleece, long sleeve tops and coat after nut a parent to A3 year old, it's lovely of them and definitely helps you but A3 year old isn't going to necessarily view what as a present, so what we're really talking about is a jigsaw, a small play set, a bike helmet you asked them for and a hamster ball toy (we got one of those for our cat last Christmas they're really not expensive). It really doesn't seem excessive to me

This, clothes and bike helmets are really a gift for the parents save you having to buy them.
Op enjoy your parents generosity and don't stress about it

DH and I have 1DGC and it would never occur to us to even consider what his other grandparents give them for Christmas or birthdays. We are always keen to lighten DD and her DP’s load so asked what ‘big’ gift DGC would like- a Tonie box and characters. We also got a few outfits, some pyjamas and vests, a couple of toys, a book and a bath toy.

I kind of sympathise with you both.

My parents have 12 grandkids, my in-laws have 7.

Both ask for ideas for children, I given ideas for both which cost £30-£50 a head.

I think it’s really important to keep it equal for the kids…. Well actually for GPs as the the kids really don’t keep a tally (aged 12 and 9 boys).

My parents came into a little bit of unexpected money as an inheritance this year; my uncle died with no partner or children. Rather than ostentatiously wrap gifts my dad sent me a quiet bank transfer for £1000 asking me to use it for whatever the boys needed, saying ‘Merry Christmas’, they decided to split the money they received between myself and my 3 other siblings.

My in-laws didn’t sent the boys a gift because my mother in law is quite recently and very disabled, my father in law is her carer and under immense pressure. They have money (lots of) but I know that they wouldn’t have had the mental bandwidth to think about buying gifts etc… we aren’t seeing them this holiday period as we live 600miles away and have each had NHS shifts over the period. To preserve both the children’s and his parents Christmas spirit we bought and wrapped a gift from them, to the same value as my parents…

I can understand your husbands feelings. I think your parents and you might consider being more mindful, but of course we don’t know the intricacies of families.

I don't think it matters that some grandparents spend more than others. And I certainly don't know how to approach it.

We have it the opposite way round to the Op the ILs spend more than my parents. But both take the same approach to Christmas and birthday and spend exactly the same on each family member. Although have recently started buying a gift and money for the difference.

I don't think i could say to the ils to reduce spending on my family when they want to keep things equal between their kids and DGC.

Nor can I say to my mum to match their spending

You just accept that both have different budgets for Christmas and Birthday.

Thank you so much for all the thoughts and letting me know your stories. I’ve found it all really helpful. Both in being reassured me/my parents are probably not being totally crazy with amounts and also in helping me think more about DH’s POV. There’s no golden child dynamic and my sibling and their DC got the same amount yesterday.

DH hates DS having too many toys. We ourselves bought a reasonable amount of useful things like crafts items, fun clothes, jigsaw etc. and a little bit of stocking tat plus a second hand bike. DC was happy and not overwhelmed really although wasn’t very well which probably contributed to DHs mood.

I think there’s an amount of jealousy of the care my parents show. He has a more fractured relationship. Also partly to do with how he was brought up, nuclear family were all and they had very few helpful/present relatives or GPs. He was raised to be very independent which is good in some ways but means he struggles to accept any help at all or be particularly kind to himself tbh. The trouble is with DS now here his lack of acceptance of help is now impacting more on the family as a whole.

Lots brought up the idea of donation to a bank account, unfortunately that’s another thing that DH would feel v uncomfortable about (see above accepting help!).

I wouldn’t consider clothes a present, unless it’s a branded item that’s requested by a teenager as a fashion statement.

Coat, jumper etc aren’t going to have any interested for a toddler.

No my MIL bought my son a lot more than that and made him a Christmas Eve box. It’s up to them what they gift their grand children. Donate some of it to the charity shop if you don’t want your child to have it all.

I get why he's upset, as it means your family dominates Christmas morning and it does undermine what his parents chose. Also maybe do your parents buy things throughout the year? Getting a lot of gifts can feel quite heavy if it's not what you're used to or not the culture in your family.

I would say toy-wise it's not excessive, but clothes-wise it is. Maybe just better for those things not to be presented as Christmas gifts.

It's probably good to agree expectations now while DS is very young, before he does start to notice any big discrepancies.

That’s just crazy. It’s very common for grandparents to give money for bank accounts. I’m sorry but there’s no way I’d deny my kids a helping hand for stuff when they’re older because of his weird ideas. He needs to get over it.