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Original poster

Need some clarity as husband not bought me a Xmas present!

90 replies

goodnightgrumble · 24/12/2024 21:40

So..my husband has form for been shit with presents for birthdays and Xmas. It was recently my big birthday and we booked a weekend away with friends. However, on the evening I asked my husband to stay sober so I could relax and enjoy the evening as we have kids and one of us needed to stay relatively sober.
That ended up been me as he got shit faced so I stopped drinking when he started getting drunk.
I put it to one side as he works really hard and puts in a lot of hours although I work too but not as many hours. But.....
I have bought everything for Xmas for the kids, wrapped and basically done it all. I have bought him presents, his family presents and even got him exclusive tickets for a sporting event. What have I got? It has.now come to light that he has bought me nothing as he has not had time and I apparently have not told him what I want.
I feel really pissed off. It's like he does not value me at all. He is a high earner and thinks that he does his bit by earning the money! Even could not get me a bloody box of chocolates. Besides presents he is a a good husband but I seriously feel like leaving him as it is like I have no value apart from looking after the kids!

OP posts:
Prettytiles · 24/12/2024 21:43

That’s awful OP. Go online tonight with his credit card and buy yourself something lovely.

applestewing · 24/12/2024 21:45

if in every other way he’s worth being with just don't buy any presents for him ever again

Vettrianofan · 24/12/2024 21:46

Go daft with his credit card tonight to over compensate- enjoy!🤪🤣

Beansandneedles · 24/12/2024 21:47

Ugh I'm so sorry OP. It really sucks when there's an imbalance in expectations and efforts, especially one of this magnitude.

Perhaps this year your present could be a lie in on boxing day? Or a day out of your choosing. Honestly it's not too late even now for him to buy a spa voucher and put that in an envelope (hand written if needs be!!). But all would require some effort and willing on his part, which sounds lacking :(

I don't think it's acceptable in the slightest, but my DH also sucks at gift giving. We've been together 10 years and this year he has (I think) at least bought me some stocking bits as about a month ago I made it very clear that if on Christmas morning I have an empty stocking again and have to act like I've been on the naughty list (again!!) i won't be best pleased. We have a very practical excel sheet for sharing gift requests (not exactly filled with Christmas magic but at least he has an idea what to get), but most of the stuff is less tangible than DH and the kids, and as he's a last minute larry it rarely happens. But as you say he's good the rest of the time. And mostly I'm banging on about the environment and the amount of stuff in the house so it's pretty hypocritical that at Christmas I'm suddenly upset that I don't have gifts. But as you say, it's more the fact that there was no thought rather than the item in the box. It's a shitty feeling.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 24/12/2024 21:47

Prettytiles · 24/12/2024 21:43

That’s awful OP. Go online tonight with his credit card and buy yourself something lovely.

I agree with this.

Also why are you doing everything for this man baby

MrsTWH · 24/12/2024 21:48

If he is a bloody good husband in other ways (the getting pissed on your birthday would suggest otherwise…) then fine but I’d never buy him another present again!!

Nogaxeh · 24/12/2024 21:50

We can sometimes find presents difficult, particularly now that we've been together for so many years. So we do give each other wish lists with more or less detailed hints.

So, for example, one of the hints I received this year was:
I like the idea of a small art/craft project of some kind with everything included, but I don't really have any actual suggestions for that.
That gives me enough to work on and have a think about, without it being simply an Amazon link.

I think you do need to provide some level of guidance for gifts if you want to help your DH get you presents when you know he struggles with it.

That said, I'd be right pissed off at him for not staying sober after you asked him to for your birthday.

Isittimeformynapyet · 24/12/2024 21:59

I hope he had an almighty hangover the day after your birthday, what with him BEING so drunk!

hattie43 · 24/12/2024 22:02

He sounds like an absolute taker , someone to be indulged with no thought for others .
I think it's appalling he messed up your birthday and now no Christmas gift . Birthdays and Christmas are the two big occasions we use to treat someone genuinely as a token of love care and appreciation. He has failed miserably

Evenworseformeeces · 24/12/2024 22:06

He sounds horrible OP. I agree with others about buying yourself an extra special present.
If you are still in this marriage next year then please just buy the kids, and your family presents (plus something for himself). Leave him to explain to his family why he has not bought them anything.

Vaxtable · 24/12/2024 22:08

I would be returning his presents. Simple as that

HeddaGarbled · 24/12/2024 22:09

Yeah, don’t give him his presents.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 24/12/2024 22:12

Forget to give him his stuff and never get him something again.

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 24/12/2024 22:12

Besides presents he is a a good husband

No, he's really not.

Based on what you've put in your OP, he has zero respect for you and is treating you like an utter doormat. He absolves himself of any adult responsibility by dint of earning more and meanwhile you're doing every last bit of the donkey work to keep the family and home running. He can't even do the most basic of tasks like drinking orange juice on your birthday and spoiled your evening by denying you the opportunity to relax and let your hair down, you ended up with all the adult responsibility instead.

He's a thoughtless cunt and you deserve better.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 24/12/2024 22:12

So when he's opening all the stuff you've got him, what does he say? Is he not embarrassed about the fact he's not got anything to give you? You say he's a good husband otherwise, but in what way? I'm so sorry, but it sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you.

Kibble29 · 24/12/2024 22:13

Why are you buying presents for his family? Let him show up empty handed next year and see how quickly he finds time to buy gifts.

FadedRed · 24/12/2024 22:14

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 24/12/2024 22:12

Besides presents he is a a good husband

No, he's really not.

Based on what you've put in your OP, he has zero respect for you and is treating you like an utter doormat. He absolves himself of any adult responsibility by dint of earning more and meanwhile you're doing every last bit of the donkey work to keep the family and home running. He can't even do the most basic of tasks like drinking orange juice on your birthday and spoiled your evening by denying you the opportunity to relax and let your hair down, you ended up with all the adult responsibility instead.

He's a thoughtless cunt and you deserve better.

Eloquently put.
He doesn’t care about your feelings, Op, sorry.

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 24/12/2024 22:14

As for "didn't have time".... Internet shopping is available 24/7 and he has had twelve whole months since last Christmas in which to plan. I bet he's managed to buy things for himself in that time?

Sparklesocks · 24/12/2024 22:14

That’s very shitty. It’s not about expecting masses of gifts, it’s just that he hasn’t even considered you in the lead up to Christmas and doesn’t value you enough even to get you a token box of petrol station chocs. But of course he’s happy for you to carry all of the mental load in organising Christmas. Working long hours doesn’t give you a license to treat your spouse like shit.

You need to genuinely consider if you want to still be in this position for Christmas 2025, because otherwise he’ll continue to treat you like an afterthought knowing you accept it.

Doubledded123 · 24/12/2024 22:15

Stop making excuses for him. Everyone works hard!
Everyone has time to get presents.
He is a lazy twat who uses you ..
Set the bar higher please. This is no example to show your children,..

Holliegee · 24/12/2024 22:16

It’s crappy but I think you can either kick off and cause mayhem or you can order yourself something v nice with his card and then next time there’s an occasion coming up you can say for Xmas I want this and then use his money and buy it and additionally say you would also like something he can reasonably get present wise chocolate or flowers etc.
it’s about managing expectations - my fabulous bloke is rubbish at presents or doesn’t get them (I’ve had a sideboard and a garden gate as gifts) so now knowing it’s not his strong point I tell him what I want and then occasionally he gets me a gift too - admittedly having learnt from the toilet seat he offered to me as a Xmas gift he now sticks to one local jewellers and tbh I think he’s just working his way through their stock as I get the necklace then the ear rings then another necklace followed by probably tomorrow the ear rings.

PeloMom · 24/12/2024 22:17

Is this the first time this happens or it’s always been like this? If it’s his usual, not sure why you are surprised. Communicate what you’d like to happen in the future- and if he wants your guidance on what you’d like, send him a bunch of things. Alternatively, before the holidays buy yourself whatever you like with his card and job done.

HermoinePotter · 24/12/2024 22:23

There would be no gifts for him tomorrow. Give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes not having a gift to open. He is not a good husband, he’s a selfish arse who can’t be bothered thinking of a gift to buy you. You shouldn’t NEED to tell him what you would like or remind him to buy you anything. I see it all the time on here that women need to tell their DH to do this that or the other, he’s an adult and should KNOW it’s a decent thing to do to buy you a gift at Christmas.

Edited to add it’s not the same buying yourself something imo. It’s the thought of someone taking the time to choose a gift for you that counts. He could stick his credit card up his arse if my DH did this to me, high earner or not.

This won’t help now but have a lovely day with your children tomorrow OP.

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 24/12/2024 22:24

I disagree about managing expectations or buying your own gift. He's an adult and is capable of going to a shop, buying a gift, and wrapping it. Give him a list to choose a gift from by all means but don't do it for him. Part of the issue here is that he's too used to having everything done for him and you're perpetuating it by taking over responsibility for this when you're already responsible for everything else too.

I presume he's reasonably competent seeing as he manages to hold down a job, also presuming he can use a computer, make decisions, and manage finances. He can buy a sodding gift.

AngelontopoftheTree · 24/12/2024 22:25

DO NOT give him any presents!

Also, I'd be tempted not to give his family presents - unless they're children!

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