Need some clarity as husband not bought me a Xmas present!

[goodnightgrumble]

So..my husband has form for been shit with presents for birthdays and Xmas. It was recently my big birthday and we booked a weekend away with friends. However, on the evening I asked my husband to stay sober so I could relax and enjoy the evening as we have kids and one of us needed to stay relatively sober.
That ended up been me as he got shit faced so I stopped drinking when he started getting drunk.
I put it to one side as he works really hard and puts in a lot of hours although I work too but not as many hours. But.....
I have bought everything for Xmas for the kids, wrapped and basically done it all. I have bought him presents, his family presents and even got him exclusive tickets for a sporting event. What have I got? It has.now come to light that he has bought me nothing as he has not had time and I apparently have not told him what I want.
I feel really pissed off. It's like he does not value me at all. He is a high earner and thinks that he does his bit by earning the money! Even could not get me a bloody box of chocolates. Besides presents he is a a good husband but I seriously feel like leaving him as it is like I have no value apart from looking after the kids!

OP - I'm in the same situation this year. Except at least my husband told me at 6pm so I had time to tell him he absolutely had to get down the garage and get me a box of chocolates, because I didn't want to cry in front of the kids when they asked me where my presents were. And even then, he's bought me a shitty houseplant instead of chocolates.

For those people saying "take his credit card and buy yourself something", this misses the point by so far. It's not about the stuff at all. I have a job, I can buy myself a box of chocolates and a bottle of perfume. It's about the fact that I'm worth precisely zero effort. I've done literally every single other xmas task, I'm exhausted- this was the only thing he had to do and he couldn't be arsed.

I hope you make your peace with this OP. I actually don't think I can.

Define "high earner" ?

Time to shop for your own Christmas present, preferably at least 50% above what's fair. I'd be amazed if he doesn't get his shit together next time.

www.faberge.com/products/guilloche-enamel-anemone-surprise-locket-3638

Honestly though. Ducks in a row time, he sounds utterly selfish and tit for tat as a marriage does not sound fun.

@DeffoNeedANameChange No wonder you're hurt and I'll bet you've run yourself ragged getting everything done for xmas.i don't get how someone men can be so selfish it's almost as if shopping makes them less of a man.
I hope you have a nice Christmas with your children at least.

I'd book a spa weekend on his card and leave him in charge of the kids

I'm sorry OP. Wanting your DH to remember to get you a present for Christmas isn't asking for too much. You're right to be upset.

'So..my husband has form for been shit with presents for birthdays and Xmas.'
Does he have form for missing important meetings or not completing tasks at work? He doesn't have form for being shit with presents - he doesn't care.

He could've stayed sober so that his wife could relax on HER birthday but he didn't. Why? He didn't want to.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't buy him a Christmas present next year and I wouldn't be buying them for his family either (I'm not a fan of being tasked with kinkeeping).

"Besides presents he is a a good husband"

No he isn't, he's a shit husband:

He got rat arsed on your birthday, which was supposed to be a special day for you.

He got rat arsed after you had asked him to stay sober.

He hasn't bought you a Christmas present, when it is the easiest thing in the world to go online and buy a gift 24/7.

He blames you for not telling him what you want.

He couldn't be arsed to ask you what you would like.

He couldn't be arsed to make time to get a present for you, his wife, the person he's supposed to love and cherish.

He's sat back and let you run round doing everything for Christmas even though you work as hard as him.

He's not helped you at all.

He's even left you to buy and wrap gifts for his family.

All these things show he doesn't think about you at all. He doesn't care about you at all.

I bet he leaves you to do all the housework, child care and life admin too.

So no, he is not a good husband. He is a selfish, self absorbed twat who takes you for granted and treats you like shit. You deserve better.

And I certainly wouldn't be giving him any presents tomorrow.

I think the OP believes him to be a "good husband" because he provides financially for her? So what more could she possibly want(?!)

I'd set fire to those sporting event tickets if their printed rather than e ticket.

Don’t give him the presents you have bought him. Sell them on eBay.

Mines a good bloke, he does loads for us - cooks, cleans, diys, does loads around the house, v supportive, also works long hours as do I, does lots with the kids, deals with the stress of teens etc etc. in everything we generally partner quite well, but he is utterly shit at getting gifts. I got a bunch of flowers for my 50th birthday and had to organise my own meal out and yes there has been a Christmas a few years ago when he got me nothing.
it doesn’t help that in my family Christmas was always a huge day with lots of gift giving, house fully decorated, dinner a massive event with a beautiful table and multiple courses, but in his totally the opposite, one small gift and Xmas dinner with a candle on the table.
I give him small lists now so things have improved, but I’ve never, ever, gotten over that awful feeling of being unloved, under appreciated, uncared for. I sat wrapping presents today absolutely dreading tomorrow :( even though I know for a fact he has definitely got me gifts.
Christmas for me has always been about the joy of giving and sharing but those few episodes have sucked a lot of the joy out of it. It’s a really hard thing to get past. I guess you just have to evaluate your daily life and ask yourself if it’s something you can get past. It’s horrible OP, and I really feel for you xx

Sounds horrible. I wouldn't give him a present. Arrogant twat.

The amount of similar posts from women who have done everything for Christmas and their partners had not only done nothing but have treated them horribly.

We need to stop. Stop buying him gifts, stop doing everything for him!!!. Stop buying his side of the family things that is his responsibility!

This in a nutshell really isn't it.

But also for the families and friends to stop expecting that because he has a wife/SO now that things in this department will change. Feel like many families are aware that it's one half of the partnership doing the shopping, and the disappointment would be aimed at both of us rather than just him.

I hate to think of these people I've come to care for being disappointed for birthdays/Christmas etc, which is why I include them in my shopping, or think to order them and extra copy of the school photo or whatever it is that I know they'd appreciate. Doesn't feel like it would be him that suffers really, would be them and me because of feel so bad. In fact I'm yet to find a way to get the message across at all. He is the type where if something has happened then that's lovely but if it hasn't then he wouldn't give it a second thought. A gift is a bonus, if there was no gift he wouldn't feel resentful or anything, don't think it would occur to him to mind. So in my case if I was to remove the presents from under the tree that wouldn't have much of a result at all.

You shouldn’t! That is disgraceful!

Dont give him what you bought.

When the IL's/kids ask say "Well I have decided to give your dad exactly what he has to give me!!!"
It will only happen once.

Also, dont do the "go mad with his credit card" thing, as that is EXACTLY what he wants, you to do all the work with no effort from him.

He needs to miss out too in order for the message to hit home.

You are letting him get away with it. He works so hard because he works so many more hours that you. So what? I'm sure you are not just sitting on your backside whilst not at work? Her shouldn't be getting out of family life and admin just because he works more hours outside the home than you do. You are meant to be life partners!

The fact that he can't put his own enjoyment to one side so you could relax and enjoy your own birthday says a lot about his character. On the face of it it's just he's not bought you a gift so it might seem disproportionate to you discuss or argue about it and of course you are likely to want to keep the atmosphere nice for the kids but to me it just highlights that he doesn't think much of you and I wouldn't choose to be with someone like this. Your children are being shown that you are not a priority for him, think about that.

Agree with this post. He feels that earning a higher salary is his contribution to the family and you can do the rest. If things changed and that higher salary was no longer coming on, do you think the rest of his behaviour would change? That he'd take time to buy you nice thoughtful gifts or not get slotted on YOUR significant days. No of course he wouldn't. He's selfish: the high salary sugarcoats it for now.

If you give him his presents now, or ever, then you seriously deserve whatever shit treatment he does out.
Don't be a mug. Don't be a martyr.

My DH was like this, he’d buy me one stupid thing. Now I don’t buy any of his family’s presents, he does so himself and it has focused him.

Ah that's shit op. I would be hurt and angry too, definitely not an acceptable excuse as pretty much everything can be bought online. I'd return any gifts I'd bought for him so that he gets nothing too, he's an arse.

I've just wrapped my only gift that I bought myself and put it under the tree from my two boys as I also have one of those H who cannot get his sh*t together to get me a gift. I've been up since 5am wrapping the rest of their presents .. H has plenty of lovely gifts I've bought everything with my own money, teens also have lots - they are good lads! Again all bought by me. I am going to have a quiet word with my H later once Christmas is done and dusted. We've had a bumpy road recently so I was hoping he'd make an effort 🤨 it would appear not unless something miraculously appears under the tree by breakfast time! It's actually made me question why I'm making so much effort with him - it won't ruin the day but I'm disappointed.

Women tolerate too much.

You don't owe these fuckers a relationship.

You have a finite amount of time on this earth, very VERY soon YOU will be dead.
Do you really want to spend your time on someone who doesn't love you?
putting in effort, consideration, emotion etc for someone who thinks fuck all of you?

"Oh he does love me...."
No, no, no. Let me put it this.

If you loved someone, could you treat them how you're being treated?
I couldn't.

If you love someone, are you considerate of them? think about them? try to make them happy? Etc.
These actions show love.

Always listen to the actions, never listen to the meaningless words.

Here's hoping that 2025 is the year women everywhere say 'fuck this shit' and stop tolerating shit cuntish men.

Ducks in rows, hills that way, leave via the front door and never look back. ❤️

Stop doing it all then.

don’t buy his family’s presents. Tell him you’re not and it’s down to him to sort.

if you have gone out and bought the kids presents, come home and tell him he needs to wrap them all.

if you’re busy doing one job at home and see him doing fuck all, tell him the washing machine needs putting on, the downstairs needs hoovering etc.

why do women willingly do everything and then moan that no one else does anything?

Don't give him any Xmas presents. Read him the riot act, and next year don't do any of the Xmas prep. It's his turn. You're saddled with a useless man baby.