Need some clarity as husband not bought me a Xmas present!

[goodnightgrumble]

So..my husband has form for been shit with presents for birthdays and Xmas. It was recently my big birthday and we booked a weekend away with friends. However, on the evening I asked my husband to stay sober so I could relax and enjoy the evening as we have kids and one of us needed to stay relatively sober.
That ended up been me as he got shit faced so I stopped drinking when he started getting drunk.
I put it to one side as he works really hard and puts in a lot of hours although I work too but not as many hours. But.....
I have bought everything for Xmas for the kids, wrapped and basically done it all. I have bought him presents, his family presents and even got him exclusive tickets for a sporting event. What have I got? It has.now come to light that he has bought me nothing as he has not had time and I apparently have not told him what I want.
I feel really pissed off. It's like he does not value me at all. He is a high earner and thinks that he does his bit by earning the money! Even could not get me a bloody box of chocolates. Besides presents he is a a good husband but I seriously feel like leaving him as it is like I have no value apart from looking after the kids!

I see quite often on these types of post people saying you need to communicate what you want to happen/what gift you want etc. imo if you need to drill it into your husband that he needs buy you a Christmas or birthday present and tell him exactly what to buy then you might as well get nothing. Or you might as well buy it yourself. If you have to give him that level of instruction then what's the point? Find someone who values you enough that they don't need to be told.

If he is a good husband in other departments, do tell him what you want, and either he buys or you get it and wrap it. Did he take the children shopping for you? Or will they wake up tomorrow morning to open their pressies and see that you got none, or very little?
Anyway, he has tomorrow morning to pop to the shops for some chocs and your favourite poison and give it to you, even if it is a bit late. Also, tomorrow after dinner is your turn to abuse said poison a bit, while he stays fully sober, for real. Given the 26th is just here, you may be better off waiting for the sales to get your proper present.

I’m hard to buy for so I give my husband a list (and most other people) because I know I’m hard to buy for. But even then, people can still find some little bits that I’ve not added to my list that I will like, my favourite chocolate, my favourite wine. He literally couldn’t be bothered to buy a small bar of your favourite chocolate when he was passing somewhere.

Even now, he couldn’t have done something. Got you a voucher for a nice meal, got a monthly subscription of something you like and given you a print out of it or even emailed the bloody thing to you. You have kids so presumably you have paper and pens, he could have even taken the time to make a handmade voucher booklet for you with “a lie in” or “night watching the films I hate with no commentary from me”. But he’s not.

You don’t feel appreciated. He couldn’t stay sober on your big birthday when you asked him to. He can’t be bothered to do the smallest gesture to show you he’s grateful for you. If he’s a high earner he doesn’t even have the excuse that he can’t afford it. He will almost certainly have a smart phone and he couldn’t even have ordered you something while he was taking a shit instead preferring to doom scroll or check the sport scores? I’m sorry, I’d really struggle to get over this.

If you don't feel valued, he's not a good husband. He can't even be arsed to do the bare minimum.

Besides presents he is a a good husband

Can I ask by what measure?

Because some people think 'good' means minimal viable product with men. Is he significantly better than you in other ways? Or is he bog standard compared to you?

It sounds to me like he is selfish and I suspect that manifests in a range of ways. You’ve mentioned at least two- getting drunk on your birthday so you could not relax and not getting you a present now (and not really contributing anything to the Christmas preparations). I suspect there are other things that indicate he is his own priority so I do wonder if he really is otherwise a good husband. If we are to assume the best and he’s ’just a bit rubbish’ at buying presents, then he should be capable of having an adult conversation where you can explain how it makes you feel and he can listen without becoming defensive and acknowledge that he’s being a bit rubbish and even if he doesn’t mean it the result is you don’t feel valued. If he can’t do that, then it’s quite hard to work out satisfactory way forward. You could not give him his presents but tit for tat just seems a bit pointless. Does he show he values you in other ways? I do hope so.

Why is it that some Men of a certain age, think that just because they work and earn more than their spouse, that they are suddenly allowed to stop being a normal functioning adult ?
Honestly show me any woman who has an 'important' job, who also doesn't have to think about anything else ever ?

There's a film or advert where the mum hands out all the presents and is waiting eagerly for hers and it becomes apparent no one thought of her and she was busy thinking of everyone else. Unfortunately, it's a scene that's far too common.

He had time. He's just selfish and doesn't respect you enough to buy a present on the day of the year that's all about giving!

Add this to the drinking just shows he does what he wants and what he wants isn't pleasing you.

So what if he's a high earner. Better to be poor and happy than crying into your comfort.

New year's res should be to get your ducks in a row.

Yes, don't give him his presents.
After Christmas see if you can return them.

What a selfish bastard. I don't believe for a second he's a good husband otherwise
Hold back his presents and stop buying for his family!

All of these glib responses to a woman who is married to a man who clearly doesn’t care about her.

@goodnightgrumble

Stop making excuses. He doesn’t value you. It is easy to buy gifts for people you love.

Personally this would be the last time as I’d be making plans to leave.

Besides presents he is a a good husband but I seriously feel like leaving him as it is like I have no value apart from looking after the kids!

This is an entirely contradictory statement.

I’d be livid if my stocking was the only empty one! How many times has he done this?

Where are the presents you have bought him? Under the tree? In a hiding place waiting for you to wrap and put out?
Hide them and leave them hidden. Tomorrow at present opening time, the children can open theirs and you and him will have no presents (from each other) to open. If anyone (guest/relative/children) comments do a tinkly laugh and say "DH and I agreed it was silly wasting money on gifts as we would rather put it towards a trip to (dream destination of your choice). We are planning a fab holiday for later in the year."
That'll put him on the spot. He will also probably feel rather peeved that he hasn't got any presents from you. Maybe it will set a train of thought in motion. Maybe a penny will drop.

I am also reminded of when I started a short training course in January a few years ago. The "ice breaker" was "what was the best joke present at your Christmas" (something along those lines). We aren't really a family who does joke presents and I have no idea what I said. But one woman said "My husband gave me a toilet seat". Then burst into tears. She ranted about it for the rest of the day, every time there was a break for lunch/tea etc.
By the end of the course (six months) divorce proceedings were well on the way.

As bad as that was it occurs to me that husband did at least have the thought "I should produce a present". I've no idea if he handily had a spare toilet seat sitting waiting for the moment of glory or if he specifically chose it, but he did wrap it up and put it in the pile of presents.

It's a low bar I know. Wrapped toilet seat or no present at all?? 🤷‍♀️

Also, as ice breakers go, that was a crap one.

I’ve just said this on a thread where another OP has said their DP hasn’t gotten them anything. Remove your DH’s presents from under the tree and put them away. When he has nothing to open tomorrow, maybe the message will sink in. If you continue to give and forgive each time, he won’t get the message. He will either be fine not getting anything tomorrow, or he will say something to you, which gives you the opportunity to question where your gifts are. Where his effort is. Consider how you choose to show up for him in the future. Put the money you would spend on him, into looking after yourself.

Oh and from the sound of it, you don’t work fewer hours than him in your lives. It’s just that you do fewer hours in “paid employment”.

Go book a three night stay at hotel with amazing Spa for yourself and a mate. Merry Christmas!

Look…my husband can really get on my nerves sometimes. But he buys/wraps the gifts for his parents/siblings/nieces/nephews, does their birthday cards, and gets me gifts/fills my stocking from Santa. And yes, he works more hours and earns significantly more than me. Earning more does not give you an excuse to be a cunt.

I just can’t fathom not buying my DH anything for Christmas, it just wouldnt happen and vice versa. So I struggle to understand the mentality of these men and can only conclude that they do not give a crap about you.

It’s bloody obvious that Christmas is coming as it’s everywhere, and everyone knows Christmas means gifts. So he has zero respect or care for you.

In what other ways is he a good husband as he doesn’t sound like one?

I would be removing his gifts from under the tree and returning them.

Cross post @2Hot2Handle 🙂

I'd have been out of there a long time ago, or rather he would . . .

Crap icebreaker, but not as crap as the present.

Seriously though, if it helped her see the reality of her situation then the ice breaker wasn’t that crap after all.

He doesn't sound like a good husband at all.

Has he even organised presents from the kids to you? Or have you literally nothing to open?

I’d hold back his gifts, hide them away, and in the morning say ‘are grownups doing presents?’ If he says ‘well, I meant to, it’s on its way …’ say ‘great! New Year then! Can’t wait. Better be something good!’

It was recently my big birthday and we booked a weekend away with friends. However, on the evening I asked my husband to stay sober so I could relax and enjoy the evening as we have kids and one of us needed to stay relatively sober.
That ended up been me as he got shit faced so I stopped drinking when he started getting drunk.
I put it to one side as he works really hard and puts in a lot of hours although I work too but not as many hours.

Just how shit does a man have to be before they get told to fuck off ? I mean really?

As long as he's not kicking the fuck out of you everyday, he's a good un?

"Oh but he works long hours..."
And? So what? So do millions of women, they still manage to be decent human beings and not utter cunts.

I despair sometimes.

Sure, go ahead and buy some shit with his credit card... You'll still be stuck with a selfish arsehole that gives zero fucks about you and proves it regularly... But he earns well so all is forgiven?

"He's a good husband..."

No, no he isn't.
Listen, real close now...

He has a device in his pocket.. he could have taken that device out of his pocket, spent 120seconds on amazon, done..

He doesn't think you're worth 2 minutes of his time.. remember that..

Not had time inconsiderate fucker
You set aside time to buy dw a gift it's really not difficult and buy your side of the family their gifts.
I bet op done all the Xmas shopping and a whole lot more.