Men just don't get it ...

[TheyJustDontGetIt]

Name changed ...

Men will never fully appreciate that women will cross the road if they hear someone walking behind them, have to talk to someone on their phone when walking down the street alone etc ...

A car advert just came on the TV and showed that if you moved your foot under a sensor on the bottom of the boot, then the boot opens up. This is to help when you have your hands full and want to put shopping etc in the boot.

My husband simply didn't understand that my first thought is that it could leaves us women vulnerable when we are getting in a car on our own. Could someone simply come behind the car, do this, and then be able to get in the car?

I've been the victim of some very serious domestic violence previously, so maybe that's why my mind jumped to that.

However, men just don't get our concerns!

I know what you mean. I came out of the train station near my home one night at dusk a few months ago, to witness a man heading off onto the nearby golf course accompanied by his (relatively small) dog. And I thought, "never in a million years ..."

I do agree with you that they don’t ‘get it’ - however I have to say I don’t understand your boot example! Surely a stranger could come up behind a normal car and open the boot just as easily as they could with a sensor? That’s not where my mind immediately jumped to

I disagree /massive over-reaction -I would like a feature like this on my car.
If you have been a victim of DV that has clearly massively skewed your view and I how you are receiving therapy.
I am not scared up go out alone after dark or imagine every man is put to harm me and not are other women I know.

I disagree that men who are decent do get it. My DH never walks behind women on their own and goes out of his way to cross roads etc so women feel comfortable.
The boot opener is a nonstarter for me.

I have this feature on my car. It doesn't work if the key is inside the car.

You have to have the key on your person for this to work. And how is it different to pressing the boot release anyway? I understanding you've been through something awful, but you're seeing problems that don't exist

Decent men get it as much as they can. But I think it’s a bit unfair to criticise any demographic for not fully ‘getting’ a lived experience as much as the one directly affected by it. There’s a lot I don’t ’get’ by not living certain experiences on a regular basis and that’s understandable.

I understand. A former director I worked with once commented he often went out at night on holiday without a phone. All the women present agreed they felt safer with one. He was a bit baffled till another (male) director said ‘that’ll be your male privilege Alan’.

Could someone simply come behind the car, do this, and then be able to get in the car?

No, the key needs to be on you. Even having it in the car wouldn’t work. It needs to be in very very good proximity. On mine, the boot kick can also be turned off .

How = hope
Up = to
Put = out
Not = nor

I'm good at this game 😃

They totally don’t get it. Very decent male friend suggested to female she parked in a quiet multi-storey car park for an evening out. Umm tell us you’re a man without saying you’re a man.

my first thought was, what if someone triggers this, and then you have to get out the car - potentially putting yourself at risk to close the boot. It seems a stupid idea to me and I wouldn't buy it

I saw a meme somewhere that had a man saying something like "women just don't get how much it hurts when you reject us" with the woman replying "so we've been holding our keys between our fingers walking home since we were 12 but you do you boo"

YABU about raising the “men don’t get it” topic again because it’s been raised a million times on MN and you are adding nothing new to the discussion.
YABU about the boot thing because, well you are just wrong as it doesn’t work that way and just makes you look like an over-worrier.

No i can't say I have experienced a man hiding in a boot so no I can't say I have ever thought of a man hiding in a boot when putting shopping away same as I don't cross a road if someone is behind me

No all men do or think the same nor do all women

Don’t be daft. Of course nobody is going to be able to open your boot with you in the car. Why on earth would you think that is possible? And now, people are just blindly believing you.

Can nobody think about anything anymore? Even slightly?

I agree - even decent men don't get this. E.g. talking at work of getting a taxi back from somewhere in the dark, and them well-meaningly telling you about the easy walking route that's only 15 minutes or whatever,

YANBU that men don't always get it. I use to walk home via a CCTV covered route when younger than the no CCTV covered route. My partner at the time just didn't understand why as a young female I did it. My DH also doesn't get not parking in the dark corner of car parks etc

YABU to have that as your first thought on the automatic boot feature though. I'm dying to have it on my next car!!

Flip this, do you know all of their concerns?

I don't think we as women totally get that men live with the possibility of some random male will start a fight with them over nothing. I know that the common denominator is men as the attacker but the attacked is both sexes and actually the chances of a man being attacked is higher than a woman.

And the chances of being attacked through the boot in either case are so infinitesimal as to be irrelevant. Surely if someone tries it you just drive off. That would come clearly under self defense

Did you ever explain why you did or did not do those particular things though?

I'm a way it's fine not understanding initially because there is no learned experience for a man when it comes to those kinds of things.

But did your partner at the time / DH appreciate it after you explained? If they don't then that's a concern.

That's not "flipped" unless you think that "acknowledging that most violence to women is done by men, and that it is a relatively common occurrence in the general population" is "all of women's concerns".

I hope you managed to understand that sentence but do say if not.

I did explain and no he didn't get it afterwards. It was always an issue it took longer for me to walk home from work at night as I'd take a longer route in the winter.

My DH now still thinks some of the things I do are odd. I won't park in a non lit car park at night on my own or walk the path home from town at night as although it is partially lit, it hidden between trees and behind houses. He doesn't get it as the UK is a safe place considering where he grew up (South Africa) so to him its a non issue.

I have no issue with automatic car boots or keyless car entry though.

Yeah they don't get it.

I think it's particularly noticeable when dating. When I go on a first date I share my live location with my mum and best friend, and would never dream of drinking anything I hadn't seen poured - the worry is that I'm in danger.
When one of my male friends goes on a date, the worry is largely whether or not she'll be a 'catfish', or be fatter than she looked in her pictures.

Women fear the violence of men because most have experienced it in some form. Men don't, because most of them haven't

I agree with this.