Men just don't get it ...

[TheyJustDontGetIt]

Name changed ...

Men will never fully appreciate that women will cross the road if they hear someone walking behind them, have to talk to someone on their phone when walking down the street alone etc ...

A car advert just came on the TV and showed that if you moved your foot under a sensor on the bottom of the boot, then the boot opens up. This is to help when you have your hands full and want to put shopping etc in the boot.

My husband simply didn't understand that my first thought is that it could leaves us women vulnerable when we are getting in a car on our own. Could someone simply come behind the car, do this, and then be able to get in the car?

I've been the victim of some very serious domestic violence previously, so maybe that's why my mind jumped to that.

However, men just don't get our concerns!

Women fear the violence of men because most have experienced it in some form. Men don't, because most of them haven't

And yet men are more likely to be the victim of violence according to the ONS. So why is the perception that it is worse for women?

Oh the ignorance

That's not "flipped" unless you think that "acknowledging that most violence to women is done by men, and that it is a relatively common occurrence in the general population" is "all of women's concerns".

I hope you managed to understand that sentence but do say if not.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

If you have no concerns going out alone after dark you are being purposely naïve. Of course, not EVERY man is a threat. But ANY man could be a threat.

You’d think.
My very well known German manufactured car boot opened on its own in the night. I know a few people with the same brand car, who have had the same. In theory they’re great, but in reality, the technology malfunctions.

That said, it never crossed my mind someone opening it to jump in.

I have been followed on foot (more than once) and chased at speed in a car. Even now when I thought I'd reached the age of invisibility I wouldn't take unnecessary risks. Only the other day I was on a reasonably busy station and some bloke (older) was looking in my direction. I have no idea what he was looking at (maybe thought he knew me?), but the hypervigilance kicked in. It never leaves. My husband has been attacked on a night out so I know it's not just a male/female thing, but I always remember someone at school saying "a man is more likely to be attacked in town/busy areas, a woman in lonely areas". I also think a man is more vulnerable when drunk, whereas women are vulnerable sober or drunk.

I actually talked about this with my therapist a few months ago. We were discussing how far I've come since our first session and I mentioned the first time I went I got lost because I had been looking for an office building, not realising he worked from home.

I thought as I pulled up and went in 'wtf are you doing, going into a strange house with a man you've never met, in the dark, in another county you've never been to, having told exactly no one where you are or what you're doing?' Then I looked at him properly, saw he wasn't a big guy and walked with a slight limp so I figured I could probably take him if it came to it.

Once he was done laughing at the idea of me hitting his metaphorical axe murderer self with a plant pot he told me he had never really thought about it like that before. It wasn't something he'd ever considered. I think it gave him a new perspective on how much more safe he is/feels as a man than women do.

Men can be aware of how women feel but of course they can't know or fully 'get it.' There are a things I would do if I were a man and simply will not for safety reasons being a woman.
I live in a fairly rural, off the beaten track area that is wooded with few neighbours. I won't even collect my dustbins in the dark in case their is some creep lurking in the woods, I don't suppose my DH has ever had this thought cross his mind nor needed to.

Yep- when setting up Strava my first thought was - everyone will see my routes/ where I live.
I don't really use it- only to record, but I bet a man wouldn't have had that first thought.

Then lock the car.

Why do women live in constant fear of nothing?

I couldn't get worked up about this when a simple flick of a switch solves the issue.

You're right. We don't get it.

I mean, I understand it logically. I'm aware when I'm walking at night that I'm probably making the woman in front of me uncomfortable, and will take a different route / speed up / slow down / smile / pretend to be on the phone to my mum, in order to attempt to seem less intimidating. I keep an eye on female friends and colleagues on nights out, make sure everyone gets in a taxi etc. I can understand the problem, and I can empathise to an extent, but I can't "get" it.

I got punched in the face by a random at my works Christmas do a couple of weeks ago. And for about a week I was fairly on edge when out and about, checking who else was in the vicinity, jumped out of my skin when someone tapped me on the shoulder, and I did briefly think "I bet this is what women feel like all the time".

But it's not, because I went into the pub last night and it didn't even cross my mind for about an hour and a half. Because yeah, it's possible I'll get attacked for no reason. It's happened before, it could happen again. But the chances of it are absolutely vanishingly rare, and if it does happen I'll likely be able to to defend myself, so it's not something I need to consider every single time I leave the house.

So we understand, but we don't comprehend.

I'd have thought, pretty obviously, severity and avoidability.

I mean, I don't "get it" either. And I'm female.

On our third date I caught the bus into the city centre to go to a music concert with my now DP. We had been on a couple of dates and shared hugs. It finished at 11 pm and he said I hope you don’t mind but I’d like to walk you to the bus stop that is yours - I hope you don’t mind me asking. As we were walking there he said ‘it’s not fair that I can walk to a bus stop safety and women don’t feel to do the same, I wish I lived in a society where everyone felt safe’and we talked about it on the the walk there how men can walk where they like or whatever yet women think first are they safe? And we haven’t stopped since - in B and Q looking at some DIY stuff - another man started asking his advice on a certain drill and DP looked at me and said to the man ‘Err ask my partner she’s the one with 8 drills and a phd in engineering - I haven’t got a clue’ 🤣 but as he said on the way back to the car it’s the assumption he is the big burly 6 foot 3 man so would know about drills. He actually does know quite a bit and can do DIY. But as he says in 2024, assumptions still exist and violence towards women and girls is everywhere from Andrew Tate and porn to adverts, films, to women being called ‘Karen’ it is just relentless.

Recently We had a conversation and his question was where are the men? Where are the men protesting for Gisele Pelicot and supporting her outside court. What can we do? (We being men who are disgusted by the way some men treat women). He’s found a white ribbon campaign and he’s looking into that with my ten year old son.

Acknowledging something and actively giving thought to something every day* *are two very different things.

Agree the boot situation is irrelevant. But women are not living in fear of nothing.

Yes I’m more vigilant than my DH and adult sons, however I don’t think a blanket ‘women feel like this’ is true either.

We have the foot opening boot thing and apart from the fact that I can never get it to work when I need to it never crossed my mind about safety.

I’ve lived in a city (centre/inner suburbs) all my life and it’s generally busy enough that I just get on and go about my business any time of day or night. I would however dodge the big parks.

I also was sexually assaulted by a stranger (man) in full daylight with lots of people around.

It's all about a personal risk assessment and we all have differing levels of acceptability. OP I personally think if your first response to the boot thing is personal attack then your risk assessment is a bit skewed. Boots have always been able to be opened.

Seems limiting to me, I know things to do happen but you can't live in constant fear just in case.

Lots of people missing the point in this thread - it's not whether or not the boot feature ultimately turned out to increase the risk to lone women, but the fact that the woman immediately considered it as a possibility to be analysed, when the man didn't.

That's the issue.

Bit of a sweeping statement. I know plenty of men who understand and my husband completely understands.

It wouldn't occur to me to worry about it either, I have to say

It must be hugely draining to go through life actively looking for things to stress over.

The 2 young men walking behind me last night definitely didn't get it. I was out with the dog, about 9pm so it was dark. Their pace was fast, but they were walking a good 20 paces apart, one in front of the other. I stood to the side , I didn't want my back to them, and they passed me. Young, probably late teens/early twenties. Definitely oblivious to how intimidating they were to me.

Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.
Margaret Atwood