Parents excluded themselves from Christmas Day.

[Lilli778]

My parents moved about 3 hours away recently and my mum has been insisted we all go to theirs on Christmas Day. We usually go to theirs every Christmas but it's a bit tricky now with the distance and my mum's really annoyed we won't make the journey.
My brother has autism and really struggles with being far from home or unfamiliar places. He's in supported living and we're very close. My grandma (mum's mum) is also 96 now, very frail and has dementia so won't do well in an unfamiliar house and isn't keen on a long car journey. My brother has said he won't go to theirs understandably. I also have plans with my boyfriend's family on Boxing Day so we would've had to do it in one day.
Because of this, I've said to my parents that we won't be going up to theirs and that I'll be hosting a Christmas at my house for my brother and grandma and I'd love them to come. This was mid-November.
My mum has point blank refused and is claiming that I have 'deserted' them at Christmas and I don't care enough to make the journey. Really giving it the whole 'woe is me' victim act.
My point is I'd like my grandma and brother to have a Christmas as well. The closer it gets to the date the more calls and texts I receive trying to convince me to come. She's saying that my grandma 'won't even remember' Christmas so there's no point and my brother would just 'cause problems' anyway if he came.

I've got a spare room and plenty of space for them to come but my mum's refusing.

AIBU? Surely if they were so set on having Christmas with us why would they move 3 hours away when other family members can't travel?

You are not being unreasonable, IMO. I can’t see how anyone could you think you are are being If someone chooses to move 3 hours away then they have to live with the consequences of that, and I say that as someone who’s lived in many different countries and, for that matter, counties! I wouldn’t dream of expecting everyone to schlep over to wherever I’ve decided to move. I mean, I’d invite them of course, but completely understand if it didn’t work for them!

They are adults. You gave them an invite and they declined. Their loss

They moved three hours away from their elderly parent and son who's on assisted living? Was there a reason for the move?

Your parents seem to have a very strange attitude. Don't they care about your grandma who presumably is the mother of one of the or your brother, their son.
You are nit being unreasonable at all but they are

My mum absolutely loves the area and would visit often so they eventually decided to move there permanently. No other reason. She doesn't work and dad works remotely.

Your Mum is being unreasonable and is expecting that you all put her at the centre of your world this Christmas.
She chose to move away, she is not on her own and she has had an invite from you. If she doesn't want to go to yours then that is her choice.
Let her stew and enjoy your Christmas OP. She is being petulant and deserves to be ignored until she grows up a bit!

Yadnbu. Have a lovely day with your brother and grandma.

I'd just send this: Mum this is my final text / chat on the subject - I'm hosting Christmas at my house (it's all prepared), we are not travelling this year - you are invited and I have my spare room ready for you. We would love you to celebrate with us. Then do not engage on any further text relating to your travelling to her.

YANBU. Your DM is being selfish and petulant. She was the one who wanted to move and now she has, but she clearly didn't through the implications of that move. Was she always so self-centred?

You’re about as far away from unreasonable as it’s possible to get. How kind and generous of you to want everyone you love to have a good Christmas. When your mum had you the apple fell so far from the tree it’s in the next county.

You are not unreasonable and sound lovely op. I hope you have a fantastic Christmas. It sounds like your Mum convinced herself that moving 3 hours away wouldn't change anything but of course it has. My aunt moved from the UK to Tasmania then complained that her family didn't visit enough.

Your mother is being utterly unreasonable – and also horribly cruel for saying you should just leave your brother and gran to fend for themselves. Fine that she and your dad wanted to move three hours away and absolve themselves of any responsibility for two vulnerable relatives, but they have to accept the inevitable consequences of other more caring relatives not wanting to leave them behind. You are really lovely OP for not abandoning them at Christmas! Send your mum one final text to say you definitely are staying at home and hosting your brother and gran and then ignore.

I bet your mum convinced herself (and possibly your dad too) that the distance wouldn't matter and doesn't like this dose of reality!

YANBU. They could also care enough to make the journey! They sound terrible frankly and I think your properties are absolutely spot on.

You sound absolutely lovely and so kind, not unreasonable in the slightest!

Your brother and grandma are lucky to have someone so kind and thoughtful in their lives. Merry Christmas to you all

I think people with big main character energy think that if they relocate, the family’s centre of gravity will move with them. Your mother is in for a shock.

There's nothing wrong in your DM moving 3 hours away but she's absolutely wrong in insisting you make a 6 hour journey to join them for Christmas.

You've offered to have her over and to stay at yours but she's refused that offer, which I expect she feels is her right to do so. In turn she should at least have the decency to understand that you also have the right to refuse and she should except that not dictate.

Well done for wanting to make Christmas a nice time for your nan and DB.

i think they’re the rude ones for moving three hours away from an elderly parent and a child in assisted living.

They can’t just up and move three hours away and expect everyone to still come to theirs.

give them the invite and leave it.

This is perfect. Send it.

It's lovely you are hosting your grandma and brother .
Can you tell your dm you will visit a few days later ?

So your DPs loved the area so moved there, that's fine, but your DMs attitude to your Brother and Grandmother is very self focused and unkind. They sound more like they wanted to move away from their family and forget about them, they only want you because you're not problematic like the others. I'm amazed your so nice Op, they're not good role models

YANBU OP. Your mum is beyond unreasonable and incredibly self centred.

So lovely of you to host your brother and Gran. I hope you all have a wonderful day

Your mum sounds like a bit of a dickhead, no offence. Doesn’t care about her mum or son that’s for sure. Thank goodness they have you. I’d be putting my foot down with your mum, and put on a lovely spread for your family with grandma and brother.

You sound amazing OP so thoughtful and caring. Your gran and DB are very lucky to have you. Your mum is being selfish and just thinking of herself. Hope you enjoy your Christmas with your gran and DB.