Parents excluded themselves from Christmas Day.

[Lilli778]

My parents moved about 3 hours away recently and my mum has been insisted we all go to theirs on Christmas Day. We usually go to theirs every Christmas but it's a bit tricky now with the distance and my mum's really annoyed we won't make the journey.
My brother has autism and really struggles with being far from home or unfamiliar places. He's in supported living and we're very close. My grandma (mum's mum) is also 96 now, very frail and has dementia so won't do well in an unfamiliar house and isn't keen on a long car journey. My brother has said he won't go to theirs understandably. I also have plans with my boyfriend's family on Boxing Day so we would've had to do it in one day.
Because of this, I've said to my parents that we won't be going up to theirs and that I'll be hosting a Christmas at my house for my brother and grandma and I'd love them to come. This was mid-November.
My mum has point blank refused and is claiming that I have 'deserted' them at Christmas and I don't care enough to make the journey. Really giving it the whole 'woe is me' victim act.
My point is I'd like my grandma and brother to have a Christmas as well. The closer it gets to the date the more calls and texts I receive trying to convince me to come. She's saying that my grandma 'won't even remember' Christmas so there's no point and my brother would just 'cause problems' anyway if he came.

I've got a spare room and plenty of space for them to come but my mum's refusing.

AIBU? Surely if they were so set on having Christmas with us why would they move 3 hours away when other family members can't travel?

Your parents have effectively abandoned a 96 year old lady and their son with special needs and dumped the responsibility for both on your doorstep. By the sounds of things, where you spend Christmas Day is the least of your problems.

Your mother sounds insufferable, basically ditching responsibility on you. Anyone who sulks at her age isn’t someone to bother working yourself up over, she going to do that enough for both of you. You sound very reasonable and caring and I’m sure your brother and grandmother will appreciate Christmas at yours way more than spending the day being made to feel awful by your mother.

This.

Think no more about it.

You are far more caring and thoughtful than your mother. Have a lovely day x

This, really. Your DMum seems to be utterly selfish and self centred. Who on earth moves 3hrs away and expects the status quo to remain the same?

Hope you and your family have a lovely christmas together - just ignore her and enjoy your special family time.

I don't think its especially uncommon with our parents' generation, everything seems to often be on their terms or nothing. We are all travelling after Christmas to see my parents, all spending money staying in airbnb as they downsized and all 4 of us have kids, then we are still selfish because we aren't coming on Christmas or staying for more days. And I'm also seeing the inlaws after which seems to grate on my mum. I sent an invite to ours for xmas day in Nov and still haven't had any response, so I presume they are staying at home to complain about being alone on xmas day. Does get to the point where you wonder why you bother 😅

I've heard that a few times (about a relative who has dementia) - "oh it doesn't matter, they won't remember. " Well perhaps they won't, but they'll enjoy it at the time. Look after your dgm and db OP, and I hope that your Mum has a change of heart and joins you. Could your Dad persuade her, or isn't he in the picture?

I would imagine that your mum wants to share their new house and the new area with you - it is probably very novel and exciting for them and we can all be a bit self-centred sometimes when this happens.
Christmas is just one day - I am relaxed about who wants to be where and with whom - I am able to celebrate multiple times if needed (and am delighted to!).

Your reasons sound totally justified, and I agree that there is no mileage in continuing the debate - hopefully your mum can realise this too.
Merry Christmas to you and all your family.

So they have moved 3 hours away from your grandmother with dementia, and from your brother living in supported living?

And want you to 'desert' your brother and grandmother in the way they claim they have been deserted?

Wouldn't give it more thought than the time it takes to eat a Twiglet.

Have a wonderful Christmas.

You sound like a lovely sister and granddaughter. It’s their loss. Wishing you a very happy Christmas.

'Dear Mum, you know how you don't want to travel for Christmas? Same here. See you in the New Year.'

She is quite staggering self centred, isn't she?

Expecting a 96 year old to travel 3 hours is quite frankly silly depending on her health.
Then having you and your brother in the sam area… it’s obvious it’s much easier for your parents to come to yours !
Don’t tell me they are one of those couples that watched Escape to the country and then moved miles away and now complain they don’t see anyone 🙈

I don't think its especially uncommon with our parents' generation, everything seems to often be on their terms or nothing.

On the contrary, I don't think it's common at all. we obviously know very different types of people.

In my group of friends, all in their seventies, all go out of their way to look after grandchildren all year, apart from the one whose family is abroad and to accommodate Christmas plans.
Of course as they get really old and ill-health affects them, that will probably change.

OP's mother sounds staggeringly selfish and self-absorbed. Perhaps there are even some people like that in other generations?

Don’t judge an entire generation on your parents’ behaviour.

I was thinking that. How bloody selfish. What awful people.

I can’t believe your mum said that about your brother and grandma! Yanbu.

You sound a lovely person and your grandma and brother are lucky to have you

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat perfect - I would say same

Just dont do the drama - this is my final offer mum, you are welcome to come and stay here or welcome not to if you prefer.

I would replace loss for choice.

I usually try and see both sides of the story but I absolutely cannot understand how they think you have abandoned them.

Surely they understood that if they moved away, people wouldn’t be able to visit them so easily.

They are being very selfish trying to turn it around and make you feel guilty.

I would hazard a guess your mum is controlling and/or narcissistic and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I agree.

My mum loves drama and always plays the victim or tries to start an argument.

The best thing you can do is be very straight with her and then if she declined just say it’s a shame and then don’t engage.

Your mum is very wrong, but be kind to her. It seems to be so common where people move away to their “dream place” and have a lovely vision of it being everyone else’s perfect place to be. An imagined dream of amazing family memories created in perfect surroundings. The reality is that it often causes resentment, it’s impractical and families feel aggrieved at spending their annual leave and holiday time in a place not of their choosing. We know quite a few people like this who’ve relocated near to our family home (in Europe) and they seem to have to go through a period of heartbreak while common sense sets in again and they work out what a new more practical normal is.

YADNBU

YNBA. How could you be when you're prioritising your most vulnerable family members? What does your mother think your Grandma and brother will do if they haven't got you to go to for Christmas and how can she be comfortable with that? Does your Dad take a view on this or is he happy to enable her?

You're right to draw a line in the sand here OP. You might have children in the future and presumably, your mother will still be wailing and lamenting at your every refusal to treat her as the main character in your life. Let her dictate now and she'll be doing it in the future, regardless of what's going on for you.