Parents excluded themselves from Christmas Day.

[Lilli778]

My parents moved about 3 hours away recently and my mum has been insisted we all go to theirs on Christmas Day. We usually go to theirs every Christmas but it's a bit tricky now with the distance and my mum's really annoyed we won't make the journey.
My brother has autism and really struggles with being far from home or unfamiliar places. He's in supported living and we're very close. My grandma (mum's mum) is also 96 now, very frail and has dementia so won't do well in an unfamiliar house and isn't keen on a long car journey. My brother has said he won't go to theirs understandably. I also have plans with my boyfriend's family on Boxing Day so we would've had to do it in one day.
Because of this, I've said to my parents that we won't be going up to theirs and that I'll be hosting a Christmas at my house for my brother and grandma and I'd love them to come. This was mid-November.
My mum has point blank refused and is claiming that I have 'deserted' them at Christmas and I don't care enough to make the journey. Really giving it the whole 'woe is me' victim act.
My point is I'd like my grandma and brother to have a Christmas as well. The closer it gets to the date the more calls and texts I receive trying to convince me to come. She's saying that my grandma 'won't even remember' Christmas so there's no point and my brother would just 'cause problems' anyway if he came.

I've got a spare room and plenty of space for them to come but my mum's refusing.

AIBU? Surely if they were so set on having Christmas with us why would they move 3 hours away when other family members can't travel?

Yeah, it seems a bit of a selfish move. Or, if not selfish, then they at least need to suck it up when it causes issues at certain times of the year.

To expect a 96yo and someone with autism who struggles with changes in environment to travel for 3 hours at Christmas is nothing less than ridiculous.

Your mother sounds selfish and prone to getting her own way, stand your ground.

The mum isn't suggesting her mum travel I don't think, she's saying she won;t remember so no need to do anything. She stays where she is.

You sound absolutely lovely! You've invited them, they said no. I think I'd go in with a hard "please stop trying to emotionally manipulate me"

This.

Well done you for being sensible and caring OP. Your Mum is going to have to learn to live with the consequences of her choices!

@Lemonadeand has nailed it. Your mum believes she's at the centre of everything, and therefore wherever she goes, others must follow.

YANBU. She chose to move three hours away. But her choices are hers alone - they don't mean that everyone else is obliged to trail after her. Particularly if it means leaving your gran and brother alone at Christmas.

Your parents could stay the night and even though you have Boxing Day plans, they could see the other family members and spend more time with them. They have chosen to make the day about their emotions and have forgotten that you are stuck in the middle to make a choice on whether you drive for 6 hours (probably longer) or miss their company in Xmas Day if you host. Instead they are putting you in the middle and laying on the guilt.

I hope you have a wonderful Xmas OP with your grandmother and brother.

"Mum stop asking because the answer is no and will remain no. You're making it MY problem that you chose to move 3 hours away which is completely unreasonable and completely unfair. You have been invited to my house and have declined. Consequently I will not be seeing you this Christmas and the best I can offer is a FaceTime call. I won't be emotionally manipulated"

Dad's around but he works so much he's honestly just keen to keep out of it and try to keep the peace. He generally just keeps his head down with stuff like this and goes along with what my mum says. She's also calling me randomly for 'catch ups' constantly and getting annoyed if I can't answer for an hour long chat. She never used to do this before they moved. I guess she's starting to get bored and realising that moving to a holiday destination isn't that fun when you live there 24/7.

Perhaps she's regretting it and will move back.

Yes, yes they are. Although my dad comes back to stay with me a few nights a week as it's easier to get to his meetings from here. Seems like he was weirdly coerced into moving as the new location just doesn't work for him at all. Meanwhile my mum just swans around with his credit card doing what she wants all the time!

Mmm I think so. I see her constantly posting on Facebook asking people to come visit :(

Dad enables as he just doesn't want drama.
My mum thinks that if I went to see them, my grandma and brother would both be alone and she's fine with this. She says it's my brother's fault anyway for being difficult cause he chose not to go and says my Nana won't remember Christmas anyway so it's not a problem. She doesn't really understand my brother's autism and has always resented him. She treats him and my grandma like a burden constantly

You’ve done nothing wrong. They’ve moved away and you’re making sure that the more vulnerable members of your family will still have a nice Christmas. You’ve invited them and they’ve said no.

this is on your mum. It’s her issue not yours.

Just to clarify, she's invited me, my brother and my grandma. When I said no about my grandma and my brother told me he wouldn't go, she suggested I just leave them behind and come myself. She's annoyed that I won't leave family members alone on Christmas Day basically

Ha I thought as much and now also seeing your post about a holiday destination. Oh dear a few nights a week! Sounds like they should just rent an Airbnb there occasionally and not have moved house. Mayhe once they realise you won’t be able to pop over to help with things they’ll move back one day…

YANBU.

She's being a dick.

Tell her you're sorry she feels like that if she tries the guilt tripping and the woe is me.

YANBU

Nope she’s suggested they travel :/ and I guess tough if they don’t want to.

Why oh why do people not think these moves through? So many assumptions about what the wider family should be prepared to do to accommodate their wishes. They seem very cold and selfish if they've just moved away thinking only of themselves, without considering the effects on family gatherings of their own children.

You are the opposite of unreasonable.
How kind and thoughtful of you to think of your brother and grandmother.
I hope the three of you have a wonderful Christmas 💐.

If I were the OP I'd feel disinclined to offer to travel. Why should she?

How much does she visit your grandmother and brother now that she’s moved?

Not at all. She says her stress levels are 'too high' to worry about them. All very woe is me. She once sent me a picture of her with hives and told me I'd caused them.
Not sure what she's stressed about though. She doesn't have work, is in good health and lives in a million pound house with the heating on and food on the table.

She loves this area she’s moved too. She’s so certain it’s the best place in the world of course you’ll be falling over yourself to visit. She’s possibly worried about having constant guests and feeling like she’s running a B&B…

shes pictured Christmas in her perfect new home. It will be a idillic family Christmas. Except by pointing out it’s a faff and not a bonus to you she’s moved, you are ruining it all!

I bet it never occurred to her and your dad that you’d not want to do the journey, that you’d point out it’s too far. Never occur to them that this is not a treat for you, a free holiday, but a hassle and a problem.

you are refusing to play nice with her fantasy of how it would be.

but that’s her problem, she’s got to get over emotionally you not seeing how perfect it is and not seeing the journey be worth the view out the window. Sadly it’s so close to Christmas before this is hitting but she’ll get there. Such a shame she didn’t tell to you about visits before moving and have a more realistic idea about how much visiting you’ll be prepared to do. (I guess they just thought all the traffic would go one way.)