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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents excluded themselves from Christmas Day.

95 replies

Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 16:54

My parents moved about 3 hours away recently and my mum has been insisted we all go to theirs on Christmas Day. We usually go to theirs every Christmas but it's a bit tricky now with the distance and my mum's really annoyed we won't make the journey.
My brother has autism and really struggles with being far from home or unfamiliar places. He's in supported living and we're very close. My grandma (mum's mum) is also 96 now, very frail and has dementia so won't do well in an unfamiliar house and isn't keen on a long car journey. My brother has said he won't go to theirs understandably. I also have plans with my boyfriend's family on Boxing Day so we would've had to do it in one day.
Because of this, I've said to my parents that we won't be going up to theirs and that I'll be hosting a Christmas at my house for my brother and grandma and I'd love them to come. This was mid-November.
My mum has point blank refused and is claiming that I have 'deserted' them at Christmas and I don't care enough to make the journey. Really giving it the whole 'woe is me' victim act.
My point is I'd like my grandma and brother to have a Christmas as well. The closer it gets to the date the more calls and texts I receive trying to convince me to come. She's saying that my grandma 'won't even remember' Christmas so there's no point and my brother would just 'cause problems' anyway if he came.

I've got a spare room and plenty of space for them to come but my mum's refusing.

AIBU? Surely if they were so set on having Christmas with us why would they move 3 hours away when other family members can't travel?

OP posts:
PokerFriedDips · 22/12/2024 21:29

You are not being unreasonable and your plans are very sensible. Your mum and dad can make their own choices. Grey rock any further emotional manipulation but reiterate that they will still be welcome even if they change their minds at the last minute. Make sure you cook enough so that it's fine if they turn up.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 22/12/2024 21:29

Seeing that she doesn’t bother visiting her mum and son, just treat her the same. It’s too stressful to do the journey so you’ll host and home. She is welcome to join you. You’ll understand if she doesn’t want to. You won’t be visiting over Christmas, she is welcome at yours.

Vettrianofan · 22/12/2024 21:33

The festivities lasts more than one day. No need to cram everything into a single day🤷‍♀️

Spend one day with your bf, another with your own parents etc.

Original poster
Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 21:37

Vettrianofan · 22/12/2024 21:33

The festivities lasts more than one day. No need to cram everything into a single day🤷‍♀️

Spend one day with your bf, another with your own parents etc.

After seeing how she's acted, I kinda don't really want to give her the satisfaction of that. I'm the one she wants to see but I can't get over how she's spoken about my brother and her own mother.

OP posts:
wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 22/12/2024 21:38

Your mother sounds spectacularly selfish in moving so far away leaving her elderly mother and her vulnerable son. That's shocking. She has essentially dumped them on you for her own convenience.

TG you're so much of a better person.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 22/12/2024 21:38

Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 21:27

Not at all. She says her stress levels are 'too high' to worry about them. All very woe is me. She once sent me a picture of her with hives and told me I'd caused them.
Not sure what she's stressed about though. She doesn't have work, is in good health and lives in a million pound house with the heating on and food on the table.

Show quote history

Yeah, lm not sure what she is stressed about. It’s not as if she has any caring responsibilities or commitments is it. It’s all about her isn’t it?

ilovesooty · 22/12/2024 21:42

Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 21:37

After seeing how she's acted, I kinda don't really want to give her the satisfaction of that. I'm the one she wants to see but I can't get over how she's spoken about my brother and her own mother.

Show quote history

I wouldn't want to go to see her either.

NewName24 · 22/12/2024 22:02

Of course YANBU.

I'm still struggling to get my head round someone moving 3 hours away from their 96 yr old mother, their son who needs support, and their dh's job, when it isn't for a job or any compelling reason.

Original poster
Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 22:04

NewName24 · 22/12/2024 22:02

Of course YANBU.

I'm still struggling to get my head round someone moving 3 hours away from their 96 yr old mother, their son who needs support, and their dh's job, when it isn't for a job or any compelling reason.

Because what my mum says, goes

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 22/12/2024 22:09

I would put money on the fact that she is lonely. People move for all sorts of reasons and that fine, what they can’t expect is for others to drop everything to go there.

she needs to start getting involved with the local community and making local friends.

doesn't overcome this issue but may help long term. You are doing the right thing staying put. She probably wants to show off her new home and lifestyle… have you visited at all?

Original poster
Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 22:14

PlanningTowns · 22/12/2024 22:09

I would put money on the fact that she is lonely. People move for all sorts of reasons and that fine, what they can’t expect is for others to drop everything to go there.

she needs to start getting involved with the local community and making local friends.

doesn't overcome this issue but may help long term. You are doing the right thing staying put. She probably wants to show off her new home and lifestyle… have you visited at all?

I went at the start of October but since then it's been completely renovated.

OP posts:
mumsickles · 22/12/2024 22:15

You are the matriarch now and she's finding that hard. You are the one that cares for everyone and she is acting like a petulant child. Thank goodness your brother has you to look out for him, it's hard enough having autism without your mother playing up like this. You are also doing the best for your grandma. No doubt it would be easier for you to sit and let her cook and showcase the new home but that isn't what family, or indeed Christmas is about. You are getting it right OP,l try not to pay too much attention to your mum as she ratchets it up over the next few days. Her invite is there she just needs to accept it

Onlyvisiting · 22/12/2024 22:22

I'm sorry- they moved 3 hours away from her elderly mother and disabled (presumably given supported living?) Son??
I guess in theory I agree no one should be OBLIGED to care for their vulnerable relatives but I certainly have chosen to do as they have done......
I'm guessing any care responsibilities for either of them will fall to you then? Does your brother need your help to manage his affairs?

Sorry- so aghast I forgot your question!
You are not unreasonable, just because they chose to abandon the inconveniently messy family members does not mean you are obliged to do the same.

Original poster
Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 22:32

Onlyvisiting · 22/12/2024 22:22

I'm sorry- they moved 3 hours away from her elderly mother and disabled (presumably given supported living?) Son??
I guess in theory I agree no one should be OBLIGED to care for their vulnerable relatives but I certainly have chosen to do as they have done......
I'm guessing any care responsibilities for either of them will fall to you then? Does your brother need your help to manage his affairs?

Sorry- so aghast I forgot your question!
You are not unreasonable, just because they chose to abandon the inconveniently messy family members does not mean you are obliged to do the same.

Parents support him financially and I'm there for him emotionally. He's doing well with his support workers but will never be able to live independently

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 22/12/2024 23:10

Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 20:55

Dad's around but he works so much he's honestly just keen to keep out of it and try to keep the peace. He generally just keeps his head down with stuff like this and goes along with what my mum says. She's also calling me randomly for 'catch ups' constantly and getting annoyed if I can't answer for an hour long chat. She never used to do this before they moved. I guess she's starting to get bored and realising that moving to a holiday destination isn't that fun when you live there 24/7.

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But 9 times out of 10 the peace is never kept, someone somewhere is getting it in the neck, in this case its not your dad but you so yes, he's not exactly helping the situation seems he's happy to keep his head down as long as he's not getting the flack.

He needs to have a straight talk with your DM and tell her it was her choice to move and she can't expect you to drop everything at her say, to get on with her life in the area she chose to move to and leave you to do as you choose.

WrongWrongWrongAgain · 22/12/2024 23:39

She's saying that my grandma 'won't even remember' Christmas so there's no point and my brother would just 'cause problems' anyway if he came.

That's a horrific thing for her to have said. It sounds utterly narcissistic and cruel.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/12/2024 06:20

Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 21:27

Not at all. She says her stress levels are 'too high' to worry about them. All very woe is me. She once sent me a picture of her with hives and told me I'd caused them.
Not sure what she's stressed about though. She doesn't have work, is in good health and lives in a million pound house with the heating on and food on the table.

Show quote history

She sounds pretty toxic and self-absorbed. Has she always been like this?

fashionqueen0123 · 23/12/2024 07:31

Lilli778 · 22/12/2024 21:27

Not at all. She says her stress levels are 'too high' to worry about them. All very woe is me. She once sent me a picture of her with hives and told me I'd caused them.
Not sure what she's stressed about though. She doesn't have work, is in good health and lives in a million pound house with the heating on and food on the table.

Show quote history

Omg. Perhaps it’s a good thing she’s moved away! Kinda feel bad for your dad though.

user1492757084 · 23/12/2024 07:39

Do your own Christmas.
They are adults and you can't do more than invite them, as you have.
Choose a weekend that suits you to visit their lovely area and visit them soon after Christmas.

Bamboozled5 · 23/12/2024 08:57

I know someone who left their disabled daughter in supported accommodation in the UK and moved to Australia! Overall well done to you for supporting your gran and brother. Your parents will just have to accept the situation. Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

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