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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find Boxing Day really overwhelming

84 replies

Lerinryan · 22/12/2024 14:04

DH and I have 2 DC, they are 5 and 7. His parents never host Christmas, it's always branded as being a favour to us as it lets us see my family in Christmas Day and I am grateful for that.
However they go all out for Boxing Day. We live two hours away so usually it involves getting in the car for 7/8 to be there for morning. DHs sister will meet us there and then it's another morning of presents. Around 1 DHs aunt and uncle, cousin and her DD come over and they put on a picky bits lunch. More gifts (tbf only 2 gifts in the afternoon but still). Then they insist on taking everyone out to a ridiculously nice restaurant with a 6pm booking with 5 kids ages 3-10 it's exhausting. The kids are tired and grouchy, my kids are usually great in restaurants but that Boxing Day dinner is painful.
Home let and then we end up leaving at like 8am on the 27th as to make this day work we had to take the kids away from all their new toys.

AIBU to find this really overwhelming and make it work for this year but suggest next year we keep it more low key. Or is this the price I pay for DHs parents being so gracious about us doing every Christmas with my family?

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 22/12/2024 14:07

Yeah I don’t think you can have it both ways - you can’t just see your family and then not want to spend enough time with DH’s.

Although I don’t see why you can’t just go over for the day and then maybe skip the meal in the evening? That does seem a bit full on - is there a compromise you can come to? Either skip the meal and go home in the afternoon, or go later in the day and do a couple of hours at their house then go for a meal?

StormingNorman · 22/12/2024 14:09

This is the price you pay. The alternative is to not see your parents on Christmas Day and have a low key one at home so you aren’t all tired for Boxing Day.

Original poster
Lerinryan · 22/12/2024 14:11

Woahtherehoney · 22/12/2024 14:07

Yeah I don’t think you can have it both ways - you can’t just see your family and then not want to spend enough time with DH’s.

Although I don’t see why you can’t just go over for the day and then maybe skip the meal in the evening? That does seem a bit full on - is there a compromise you can come to? Either skip the meal and go home in the afternoon, or go later in the day and do a couple of hours at their house then go for a meal?

So the reason we go early is because DHs parents don't want our kids and his sisters kids open all their presents from them in front of his cousins daughter.
DH thinks it would be rude to leave before the meal when his parents pay for it and he likes socialising with his sister and cousin.

I wish they did the meal at home so it was less pressure on the kids.

OP posts:
Movinghouseatlast · 22/12/2024 14:11

Do you like them? It doesn't sound like it. They give you g food and gifts and take you out and it's 'ridiculous'. You seem to see all this as punishing, they are trying to make it nice.

NerrSnerr · 22/12/2024 14:12

Personally I'd leave before the meal and drive home or you could arrange to visit another day and tell them your children find it overwhelming?

Original poster
Lerinryan · 22/12/2024 14:13

Movinghouseatlast · 22/12/2024 14:11

Do you like them? It doesn't sound like it. They give you g food and gifts and take you out and it's 'ridiculous'. You seem to see all this as punishing, they are trying to make it nice.

Edited

No I do like them they are lovely but I find Boxing Day really intense.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 22/12/2024 14:14

Tell them you don't want to do the restaurant. Say that none of you enjoy it and you would rather stay at the house.
I expect they will do one of the following -
Say "Oh thank goodness we've been trying to find a way to stop doing that".
Sulk and mutter about you being "ungrateful".
Say "Ok".
It might be a risk as to what response you get but at least you will have tried.

Brefugee · 22/12/2024 14:14

Lerinryan · 22/12/2024 14:11

So the reason we go early is because DHs parents don't want our kids and his sisters kids open all their presents from them in front of his cousins daughter.
DH thinks it would be rude to leave before the meal when his parents pay for it and he likes socialising with his sister and cousin.

I wish they did the meal at home so it was less pressure on the kids.

Show quote history

Alternate years between your parents and his?

Push back on the early start. Just say "no". There is no way I would a) get up that early and b) spend do long there on what is supposed to be a holidsy

Original poster
Lerinryan · 22/12/2024 14:16

NerrSnerr · 22/12/2024 14:12

Personally I'd leave before the meal and drive home or you could arrange to visit another day and tell them your children find it overwhelming?

It's hard as DH views this as his Christmas. His sister lives really far away (like 4 hours as she's 2 hours the opposite direction of his parents), and he loves his cousin (she went through a really hard time a couple of years ago and he's very protective of her). So for him going on another day seems to defeat the point and he likes socialising so doesn't want to miss the meal.

I really do wish they'd just do the meal at home!

OP posts:
FrankieDoYouRemember · 22/12/2024 14:17

I would say that the children are tired with the long day and that you are going to arrive later. I don't think you should miss the meal.

I didn't really understand the presents part but to me the part of the day that's ridiculous is getting there at the crack of dawn.

Brefugee · 22/12/2024 14:17

You have your own family too. Time to rejig. Or suck it up as payoff for your family getting the main event

FrankieDoYouRemember · 22/12/2024 14:19

I really do wish they'd just do the meal at home!

It's not less stressful to cook a meal for what is a minimum of ten people for the people cooking it.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 22/12/2024 14:26

I'm the one living 2 hours away from my family with DHs family on our doorstep. Our Christmas doesn't have a set routine as I work shifts but usually involves a trip for a stay with my family of one or two nights. My children are 3 and 5 and yes can be over tired and harder work when not in their usual routine but they have fun and I get to see my family at Christmas. I'd be really disappointed in my DH if he couldn't just suck it up for this short period of time given that we do stuff with his family aswell over the Christmas period.

Dragonsandcats · 22/12/2024 14:29

I think you have to accept it unless you start alternating christmas day. With 5 & 7 year olds it won’t be long before they’re not so tired in the evening. And moaning about 2 gifts in the afternoon is a bit unfair? What’s wrong with spreading out presents? Why don’t you offer to cook the meal and bring it with you and see if they’d go for that instead of a meal?

ExtraOnions · 22/12/2024 14:30

You don’t have to get there first thing, go a bit later. Stop over somewhere local to them on Boxing Day night.

Stop with the martyrdom, and take control of the plan

Crazykefir · 22/12/2024 14:31

I agree with you this day is too long. If you can't tell them get your husband to do it.

Octavia64 · 22/12/2024 14:31

We had similar. My then H loved it.

It went on for years and I hated it and our kids hated it.

It was the price we paid for having actual Christmas on our own though.

(My parents were much more reasonable)

takealettermsjones · 22/12/2024 14:32

Can you not just stay at their house while DH goes to spend time with his parents/sister? It sounds like you're the only one who doesn't like it, unless I've interpreted it wrong.

TooMuchRedMaybe · 22/12/2024 14:34

@takealettermsjones that's a good idea. If your kids aren't enjoying the restaurant then just stay at the house with them. Get a takeaway or something and watch a movie whilst the others go out to dinner. You are still around for most of the day and it seems that it's the dinner that you are liking the least.

Katy232425 · 22/12/2024 14:35

It’s one day and it’s important to your DH. Your children will only get older and more able to cope with restaurants and changes to routine. I really think you need to suck it up. I guess you could try speaking to the parents of the other young children and if they also find it hard you could all suggest jointly to the grandparents that you’ll all bring a dish or two if the meal could be at home. But ultimately I think you need to go with your DH decision on this.

I’d push back on the calling it a “favour” though - it’s not a favour as I suspect it rather suits them to do this on Boxing Day and if you suddenly announced actually you’d see them Christmas Day instead they’d be rather put out!

HermioneWeasley · 22/12/2024 14:37

Christmas is tiring and overwhelming for and with your kids. I think the restaurant is a red herring - keeping the kids out of the way when a meal for 10 is being prepared and cleared up after has its own challenges.

your in laws sound thoughtful and generous and more importantly your husband enjoys seeing his family.

suck it up. They kids won’t be young forever and your in laws won’t be around forever.

HermioneWeasley · 22/12/2024 14:37

Young kids not your kids

AspirationalTallskinnylatte · 22/12/2024 14:38

It will get easier for your kids year on year, I'd just stick with it. I imagine the reason they take you all out for a meal is that it would be overwhelming for them to do a Xmas dinner the day before, then a buffet, then another meal for a large number of people.
When the kids look back on it it will likely be fun times with the other kids that they remember, not overwhelm.

PullTheBricksDown · 22/12/2024 14:38

Would they be open to going for the meal as lunch or late lunch? So you open presents in the morning, go out to eat, come back and open the last few then drive home. Do you drive? Ideally let your DH drink if it's his family and you do the drive back. It sounded like you also stay over there on Boxing Night, but I couldn't see that you'd definitely said that.

accentdusoleil · 22/12/2024 14:38

Could you suggest getting a big nice takeaway instead of the meal out?

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