To find Boxing Day really overwhelming

[Lerinryan]

DH and I have 2 DC, they are 5 and 7. His parents never host Christmas, it's always branded as being a favour to us as it lets us see my family in Christmas Day and I am grateful for that.
However they go all out for Boxing Day. We live two hours away so usually it involves getting in the car for 7/8 to be there for morning. DHs sister will meet us there and then it's another morning of presents. Around 1 DHs aunt and uncle, cousin and her DD come over and they put on a picky bits lunch. More gifts (tbf only 2 gifts in the afternoon but still). Then they insist on taking everyone out to a ridiculously nice restaurant with a 6pm booking with 5 kids ages 3-10 it's exhausting. The kids are tired and grouchy, my kids are usually great in restaurants but that Boxing Day dinner is painful.
Home let and then we end up leaving at like 8am on the 27th as to make this day work we had to take the kids away from all their new toys.

AIBU to find this really overwhelming and make it work for this year but suggest next year we keep it more low key. Or is this the price I pay for DHs parents being so gracious about us doing every Christmas with my family?

I agree it sounds stressful but I don't see a solution unless you decide to alternate Christmas in future so you just see one set of grandparents per year and spend the other day chilling out.
But as your kids are getting a bit older it'll likely get easier from here rather than harder so I think you just have to suck it up.

Gosh sounds so stressful and tedious with all the presents and food and all the family kids playing together and you not having to lift a finger (or even drive, I imagine).

I agree it's better to have lunch out instead of picky bits, or leave before the evening meal.

Is it possible to explore next years arrangements being a few days later? This plan sounds totally unrealistic for little ones, they won’t enjoy being exhausted and can’t have any time with new toys at home. Get a new tradition going or have Christmas differently.

I think you’re being really unreasonable. You get to see your parents every single Christmas Day and in return you should do Boxing Day as his family do it. So what if the kids are a bit tired? It’s one day. Lots of people would love to have that set up. And it’s your DH’s day with his family. I think you’d be very unreasonable to say anything

I think you need to cut it short. Be up front and say we'll get there later let's talk about how we manage presents. Or as someone suggested your dh goes on the meal and you stay back at the house with the kids and beans on toast. But be up front about why, it's too long a day for excited kids after Christmas Day.

Why can’t they open the presents infront of her? Just say you’re not getting up that early and leave later 🤷🏼‍♀️ There is no way I’d be getting up at that time on Boxing Day because of a silly reason like that! They can always buy his cousins child a present!
Id say that the kids are too tired for a meal at 6 but what about going out at lunch instead? Drive to meet them there if needed

Leave a bit later. The other child doesn't arrive until 1pm, there will be plenty of time for your DC to open presents if you arrive at e.g. 11:30am (which means you can leave at 9:30am).

Your children are a year older than last year and will be better able to cope with the meal, by next year they'll be even older and even better at coping with the meal. The later start should also help them deal with this. If they really can't get through it then send DH to the meal with his family and you stay at the house and put the kids to bed.

In the grand scheme of things though, having one day that's slightly stressful isn't really an awful lot for your DH/his family to ask is it?

Boxing Day was always Christmas Day with the in-laws, it was hectic, noisy but it was the price to pay to have ChristmasDay our way. With 20 of us in a small house it was a squash but kids mostly had fun which was the main thing. We got a takeaway which took up lots of time, finding what everyone wanted, phoning various places, picking up meals if needed.

thankfully we didn’t live to far away however both mil and fil have passed away and bil wants to recreate the boxing days but dh have got used to having Boxing Day with us and friends so doubt it will go back to how it was.

all part and parcel of being married, having children and keeping both sets of parents happy,

edit , sorry pressed send troops quickly, for me I would be leaving home to visit later in the day. 8am is just ridiculous, make it a shorter, more manageable day

Let the children have a lie in and play with their new presents at home for a bit, and then go up for the afternoon and evening portion.

They're not being 'gracious' about you spending Christmas with your family every year, btw. They're just fully celebrating the holiday on the 26th instead. Nothing wrong with that, but they're not doing you a 'favour', so don't accept that reasoning from them.

Have a quiet low key Christmas day at home some years so you have energy for boxing day. Travel on Christmas night so you can lie in on boxing day.

I understand why you find it overwhelming but would prioritise dh enjoying Christmas with his family. Have a rest 27th for a few days. Also as the kids grow it will get easier.

Could you take the children home when the rest of them (including your husband) go out to the restaurant?

Heck, I'd send DH with the children to dinner and beg off with a headache if he won't stand up to his family a bit so your family's needs are considered, too.

I think it's the eating out which makes it stressful with kids. Maybe eating at their home or leaving earlier would work but it is a long drive either way.

The evening meal in the restaurant sounds too much. Definitely don’t do that bit. It doesn’t have to be a 12 hour marathon of a day for everyone to enjoy time with each other.

why don’t you offer to stay at theirs with the kids and the other adults can go for nice grownup dinner? Kids get to play with toys other adults grateful for some child free time

i agree with this. Do the day arrangements but skip the meal.

My kids get presents from family we see on boxing day. Like you it is a big extended family do, with step cousins and all sorts coming some years but not others. The deal is that if you give a kid a present it goes in the car to be opened at home (of similar for those not driving!) Some people Amazon the presents to us instead. If the kids are briefed, it isn't a problem. There's often kids of a similar age who are not really related to each other and adults giving to some of these but not others and this arrangement works well. The only trouble porting this to OP's family is that in our family the hosts instigated it so everyone else followed suit. It's either that or include the cousins kid on the present giving.

I don't think there is anything you can do this year apart from stick to arrangements. How about breaking with tradition entirely next year and suggesting you have Xmas and Boxing Day at home with just you, DH and kids. That would probably mean a Saturday with your family and another one with DH's family before Xmas but maybe it would work better?

FWIW we never got into the whole my parents/his parents alternating thing and said we wanted to make our own traditions at home. Once the DS were older we sometimes went abroad as a complete break which can also be a great option as you kind of escape most of it.

I don't think it's ok to ask that really. There are 6 other people aside from OP, her husband and kids. Why should they change a day they clearly all enjoy? Plus it sounds like her husband enjoys it AND it sounds like he's agreed to sped every Christmas so far with OPs family. If OP doesn't enjoy it she needs to find a way to either suck it up or come later or miss the meal. You can't expect everyone else to give up a day they enjoy.

Can't you just negotiate a later start, arrive for midday - 1pm rather than 10am? I think it sounds lovely btw

If the cousin isn't coming until 1 then midday is still fine

Your DH needs to suggest that the main meal should be earlier - either at home or the restaurant.

The restaurant meal at 6pm sounds like a real ball ache especially for the young DC, I bet they are all pretty knackered by this point.

Your DH &/or the other relatives with young DC need to suggest this to the wider group or take charge of it otherwise nothing will change.

You probably can't change anything this year but you can plan for next

This... no way would I view it less stressful to cater for that number of people at home!

It's one meal in a whole year. Your DH clearly loves his family as you've said, so it would be a real shame for you to express your displeasure at going for the meal. Your DCs are of course getting older so (should) find sitting in a restaurant easier as they get older.

Take a bag of tricks, one for each DC to the restaurant. Nothing expensive or anything - even just stuff from home that is familiar to them. Just surprise them with it at the restaurant; colourings, stickers, ipad (headphones) or whatever. Just to keep them busy and interested/calm. Don't over order food for them, you know them best so just do whatever you know keeps them calm.
I don't think there is anything you can do that won't upset a lot of people predominantly your DH which would be a massive shame.
Also, I'd try to not put too much pressure on yourself. Sure, it's Boxing Day but you do have (presumably) a few other days before DCs go back to school for some chilled time at home to relax .

Scale back your visit to your parents some years so you aren’t jacketed for Boxing Day?