To find Boxing Day really overwhelming

[Lerinryan]

DH and I have 2 DC, they are 5 and 7. His parents never host Christmas, it's always branded as being a favour to us as it lets us see my family in Christmas Day and I am grateful for that.
However they go all out for Boxing Day. We live two hours away so usually it involves getting in the car for 7/8 to be there for morning. DHs sister will meet us there and then it's another morning of presents. Around 1 DHs aunt and uncle, cousin and her DD come over and they put on a picky bits lunch. More gifts (tbf only 2 gifts in the afternoon but still). Then they insist on taking everyone out to a ridiculously nice restaurant with a 6pm booking with 5 kids ages 3-10 it's exhausting. The kids are tired and grouchy, my kids are usually great in restaurants but that Boxing Day dinner is painful.
Home let and then we end up leaving at like 8am on the 27th as to make this day work we had to take the kids away from all their new toys.

AIBU to find this really overwhelming and make it work for this year but suggest next year we keep it more low key. Or is this the price I pay for DHs parents being so gracious about us doing every Christmas with my family?

I wish they did the meal at home so it was less pressure on the kids
But that would be more pressure on your in-laws. Why would they spend all day prepping and cooking for all those people(just to suit your precious kids) when they can afford and they enjoy a restaurant meal? It’s their choice.

You don’t have to take the children away from “all their new toys”. You’re being ridiculous and looking for excuses to justify yourself. Take a few smaller new toys with you.

The last time you did this was a year ago. The children may have found it a bit much then but a year has passed and they have grown and changed a lot in a year. The older they get, the less intense it will be. It’s just one day.

This sounds like an excellent suggestion! Great compromise

YANBU to find it overwhelming, I would too, but I think you need to suck it up if this is how your DP’s family traditionally celebrate Christmas together and if it’s important to him. I think a lot of people find aspects of Christmas overwhelming, especially in a family where you are balancing it to take into account everyone’s traditions, expectations and preferences. It is only one day though, yes it might be a stressful and overwhelming one but if it’s meaningful to your DH surely you can put up with being a bit stressed for one day only?

Maybe look at whether there is anything you and DP could do to make it less overwhelming, maybe leave at 9:00 and arrive a bit later so it’s not such an early start? That still gives time to open presents before 1pm. Or could you pop kids in PJs after the meal and drive home that night so you don’t have to stay over and have another early morning? Can you take the kids out to a park or something in the afternoon before the meal so they’ve burnt off some energy before the meal? Can you ensure you are going into the restaurant armed with sticker and colouring books to try and keep the kids entertained for longer? Do what you can to make it less stressful and then maybe you just have to accept it is going to be an overwhelming day and put up with it for the sake of your DH.

Seems fair he gets to spend time with his family boxing day .
Christmas with extended family is always stressful.
It may get easier as the kids get older .

It’s a very long day for the age of your DC. The previous poster’s suggestion of moving the meal time sounds good.

Sounds a lot but the others seem to like the set up so think it might be seen to be ungrateful to try and change the dinner out just to suit you. The suggestion of driving home after it sounds a good one if you drive? They'll doze off in the car in their pj's and then wake up in their own beds.

Your husband’s family sounds lovely and close without being overwhelming, I feel sad for them you still found something to complain about.

They’re hosting a large number of people on a day other than Christmas, providing gifts and nice food. It doesn’t seem you need to do anything other than just turn up and try to enjoy the day. I’m sure your husband and his family enjoy the opportunity to be all together once during the festive period, just like yours do on Christmas Day.

Feeling rather jealous to be honest, being a guest on both Christmas and Boxing Day, being taken to ‘ridiculously nice’ restaurants doesn’t seem much of a hardship!

We do something similar, but I refuse to leave home until 10am. We have a couple of hours opening presents at the MiLs, then lunch out at 2pm. Back to MiL for tea/cake then head home at 7pm.

You could stay at home on Christmas Day with just your dh and your dc so that Boxing Day is the first big family day out of the house. Rather than doing the two days.

Trying to keep a 5 and 7 year old in good humour in a very nice restaurant doesn’t sound relaxing. When they were in the car by 8am that morning for a two hour drive followed by a day of presents, cousins, food and fun a 6pm dinner reservation is a stretch. After the messed up sleep and routine of Christmas Day it’s a lot for them.

I think you need to relax and lean into the day. Let your husband drive and have a drink or two.

If the kids are grouchy at dinner- then let the GPs take care of them.

Also:

• it’s fine for kids to use iPads
• or bring along pens and some magazines
• Call ahead and put in the kids meals orders so they come shortly after your arrival. Once they are finished. One adult can take them back to the house while the adults finish up. Only if the kids are really tired though:
• ALWAYS bring a couple of waste paper basket bin liners and clear as you go. So napkins, sweetie wrappers, magazine bits, odd bits. The table can become overwhelming with glasses etc and the staff aren’t always in hand to clear. So it’s a good way of keep order
• Pay the older kids to keep an eye on the younger kids. They usually like having a bit of responsibility and seen as it’s Xmas- a bumper cash amount for some peace and quiet is well worth it

Just put your foot down about the dinner at a restaurant. Do everything else but that

As you are there overnight anyway, skip the meal, put the kids to bed and have a quiet evening whilst DH goes for the family dinner.

In situations like this I think the compromise is 1 of 3 options (assuming both families are generally nice and supportive!):

1. you don't see any family over the 3 main days and have a quiet Christmas yourselves

2. you alternate Christmases

3. you do as you've been doing, which your in laws thankfully don't expect to be included on the big day.

We personally like option 1, keeps life simple but we all get the 2 weeks off to easily fit family in on the other days.

I agree that’s a long day!

Tell your DH there are 2 options for you:

• Don’t go so early on Boxing Day. Your kids open their presents from the GPs on the 27th morning.
• Arrive same time but dont go to the meal. Could he go and you stay in with the kids??

Honestly? You sound ungrateful. What I wouldn’t give to have alive family that I could spend a day with full of presents and nice food. It’s not the day - you need to reframe your approach.

You need to go as it's DH parents/family and you've had Christmas with your family.

Stay home boxing day morning so DC can play with toys/have a lazy morning and then get there mid afternoon. Likewise don't leave stupidly early on 27th. Kids have plenty of time to play with their toys later that day.

It's one day, your kids won't be so little forever and importantly it seems your dh loves this. Not seeing his parents on Christmas day isn't just a shame for his parents it's a shame for him too.

This is surely just what happens if you want to see all your family over the Christmas period and you don't all live close by?

You have a busy Christmas Day and then a busy Boxing Day. But then you have the rest of the Christmas holiday period with no family visiting to do.

Do you drive home the same night? I wouldn't be down for that either. Personally, I HATE HATE night driving. Is staying over in a hotel nearby an option?

For what it's worth, these family gatherings with kids do get better. And yours are just about at the age now where it starts to get better.
For years now, my mum has hosted a party the Saturday before Christmas, so we had it yesterday. The 5 kids who attend are now age 7-13, but as you can imagine, we had a LOT of years when they were all completely chaotic!
But yesterday felt like the first year where everyone joined in, and the screaming and running round was at a minimum.

It gets better OP, and for what it's worth, you'll all look back on Boxing Day with fondness. :) We do.

It's ok to find it overwhelming but for the sake of a day and you get every Xmas with your family I'd suck it up.

I think "the bridge too far" is the restaurant dinner at 6pm. If this was Christmas Day (which it effectively is for your in laws) most families would be extremely unlikely to drag young kids out in the evening for the the main meal. You'd all be fed and watered at lunchtime or late afternoon and ready to settle down (flop) by 7pm'ish. To be honest, I don't know anyone even without kids that goes out for an evening meal on Boxing Day. I would seriously try to re-negotiate this aspect of it.

Would they be willing to book a couple of hours earlier for the meal or you arrive later. Just explain its a really long day for a 3 year old.

100% this.its once a year..arrive a bit later so kids don't have to get up early..it sounds fab..bring toys to restaurant. Go with the flow..kids get older very quickly and then your challenge will be getting teenagers to participate.. enjoy!

Just arrive later so kids don’t have such a long day.

we have a Boxing Day meal booked for 6pm
for 14 of us including 7 kids, ages 1-16 - we do it every year since DD was born as it’s her birthday and yes it may be a bit chaotic but I love it, I think I’ll miss the chaos when they are all older and have left home ☺️