DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

[Ifinkyourefreaky]

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

Don’t be ridiculous.
You think he will be asked to drive her to the funeral after this fiasco?

i agree it was probably an emotional time for all

He picked the wrong time and wrong way to have this fight so for that he's a cunt. But he is right to be upset about being used as a taxi.

Exactly

"Im doing my test and hopefully can return the favour". So youre not absolutely sickened by his action, you dont plan to leave? Realise, If you do stay with this man, then it's not love. It's transactional.

If you stay with this man, your child will never forgive him, their relationship is broken forever, and as a result of that, if you stay with this man, your child will see that you have sided with the man that caused her hurt and heartache at a most awful time, your result will be she may turn on you to because you stayed with him.

And aside, you could have got a taxi, got a lift from someone else, anything to not put your child in a car with an angry man who already felt like a taxi driver. You weren't innocent in this, be a better advocate for your children, make better decisions.

There is one thing I agree with him on. She should not see her dad die. I was an adult when my dad was dying and I never left his side at the hospital, I lived in the hospital for a month in his room (private). When they told me he was about to die, I left the room and stayed in the relatives' room for 12 hours and never saw him dead, I did not return to his room. I am so grateful I never saw my dad dying or dead. But each to their own. I totally understand she wanted to say good-bye. I could not. And it was not his business to refuse a lift in the time of such need.

Why would you ever consider staying with someone who treats you and your DD like that?
I would never be able to forgive him because refusing and then bellyaching about himself all the way there is unforgivable.

If you stay with this utter cunt then I highly doubt your DD will forgive you. Ever.
Put your DD first over this cunt.

And anyone here who thinks this prick has a point just fuck off!

“It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.”

Flip. Leave him. That is an absolutely outstanding lack of empathy, and downright cruel.

At 14 I said good to a dying immediate family member. That scene is etched upon my memory but I’m so flipping glad I was allowed to say goodbye.

There are lots of reasons why people don’t drive. Don’t seek to blame the OP.

Last week I had a panicked call from my aunt to say she thought my uncle was dying, I was just about to dish up dinner but I drove my dad to hospital over an hour away because that's what you do.

I couldn't forgive in your situation and don't show your DD that this acceptable in a relationship, it's not!!

OP is drip feeding. Massively so.

How many other times has her DP had to ferry her/kids around at the drop of a hat and it go unappreciated? I bet its a frequent occurrence and its clear he had had enough.

As others say, he may have snapped at feeling like a taxi service.

Sure, the timing is bad, but he STILL took the OP/DD to the hospital. So is he a big a cunt as people are making out?

I dont think so. If he was, he would have stood firm an NOT taken them, but he did.

Its clear he has snapped, the timing is coincidental with the dying ex-partner. But it could have been any event really, like sports day or something notable.

I feel sorry for the guy - he has no link to the dying ex-partner, so in fairness, why should he have to have anything to do with him on any level - they arent mates/brothers/close confidants.

If the OP knew her ex was in a bad way, she should have made contingency plans really.

I'm so sorry for your daughter and so sorry for you, OP. I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive that.

I mean, that's a ridiculous comment. This man is not worse than Pelicot. Get a huge grip.

Well he's handled it all wrong but from your message it sounds like he was trying to protect her from something he thought might be bad for her (watching someone die) and got shut down by everyone and made to do it and got shouted at. I think it's your daughter's choice in the end but he technically had no obligation to do the driving - he's doing you all a favour.

That being said, most humans would show a lot more empathy in the moment and understand why it escalated and would absolutely not have picked that moment to let the frustration out and make things harder. I don't know if I could forgive that.

No shit, Sherlock 🙄

No, it wasn’t the time to take a strop but he did take you/ her at the drop of a hat after doing the same numerous times over the past 6 weeks.
Is it possible that he was concerned for your DD and genuinely worried that seeing her dad dying was not the best thing for her and then as it was so sudden felt a bit helpless that there wasn’t time to discuss it properly/ prepare her for what it could be like which led to his frustrated outburst?
Because seeing someone die is not nice, people rarely ‘pass away peacefully’ like you hear in books or stories. It is horrific, especially when it’s someone you love deeply. I know grown adults who have literally had nightmares for months after being with a relative whilst they die. If he has experienced this then maybe he was just trying to protect your young, 16yr old daughter who struggles with her MH from having to go through this.

I think people telling the OP that her boyfriend is a cunt and should be dumped because he got fed up of being the family unpaid Uber (despite probably trying to hold down an actual job) lack compassion.

Where will these posters be in the new year when OP has dumped what was probably a perfectly good man. Nowhere.

Concentrating on the practicalities round his driving you is making you miss the point here. He may well be pissed off at ferrying you about. The way he spoke to you and your poor DD on the day her father was going to die was vile and abusive. She’ll now have this trauma to deal with over and above her father’s death.

His excuse of previously being traumatised doesn’t cut it. He is an adult, and should be able to deal with it without resorting to shouty tirades. I assume your DS will now be coming to live with you, you need to protect both him and your DD from this vile man. Please leave him.

Instead of falling over yourself to berate someone for pointing out what you've said, why don't you just admit you have no intention of providing the help you've claimed you would?

It was you who said it, not the person you're now attacking.

That's an absolutely dumpable offence.

People are treating this as an isolated incident in their replies.

It wasn't, it was him reaching the end of his tether after 6 weeks of demands.

Really bad timing on his part, he seems to lack any empathy.

But you could have handled things better by quietly booking a taxi when it became apparent he was being an arse. Your DD will need to find ways of managing her anxiety.

I hope you've realised that being "reliant" on a man (especially when you don't even live with him) is really ill advised.

I would rethink this relationship and try not to be reliant on men in the future.

There is so so much going on here and with your updates.

he is an absolute bellend for doing what he did, but if he has been traumatised by similar his heart was possibly in the right place but execution of that discussion not. It was neither the time nor place. Suggests he is not very emotionally intelligent.

fab that you have your test booked, but you have all relied on him for 7 years. That is draining for the only car driver - you’ll understand when you pass your test. Given his behaviour a taxi would have been best in this situation - he was trying to tell you that he wouldn’t be able to cope with the fall out after when he would need to bring you home. I imagine his trauma would be triggered - so you haven’t thought much about the impact of this wlrewuest either.

your daughter maybe 16 and incredibly anxious and can’t get into a car with strangers - I understand truly how awful this must be for her. But her dad is about to die, yes everything is amplified emotionally, but sometimes being incredibly uncomfortable for a short period of time has to happen, especially as you would have been in the taxi with her.

all round no one was perfect but the situation was incredibly charged for everyone for different and complex reasons.

personally this isn’t a leave him situation (unless there is a pattern/history). You all need to work on communication and probably all need some external therapeutic support to help for all the different reasons.

accept this was a hideous situation for all of you.

Yep

100% this
He was massively unreasonable

You’d actually marry him after that?!