Argument and I feel like I'm going mad

[Aliceisagooddog]

Please tell me who is being unreasonable in this scenario. Walking with DH, he is holding DSs (6) hand. DS keeps tripping up and eventually falls down. DH gets angry and shouts at DS. I catch up and say that DS doesn't normally trip like this with me ( he used to when younger). DH explodes and says 'are you saying it's my fault'? Very angry. When I try and explain that I'm just stating a fact, not blaming anyone he accuses me of gaslighting ( a favourite phrase of his). I was gobsmacked. Was I wrong in what I said?

I agree. It's hugely frustrating to deal with, the faux innocence that this sounds like.

I think you're being a little.obtuse OP, by saying ds never tripped with you you were comparing whatever he was doing unfavourably against how you do things. You can pretend you weren't, but you go on to do so anyway.

Theatre thing was bonkers. He had your child, and didn't hear you because he was concentrating on something else. You did not have to control his actions, you could quite easily have waited for the others yourself and then caught them up after. Apart from kids, it is everyone fend for themselves in that scenario, and meet up outside. I would have been annoyed at someone shouting after me in this set up, he is not a child, you are not his parent, and he wasn't doing anything wrong to keep moving.

He shouldn't have shouted at your son for tripping, unless he as kicking around repeatedly.

But honestly, you sound hugely frustrating.

Another person who hasn’t actually read or understood the argument. You realise you’re actually supporting her husband’s stance here because she is claiming that she actually wasn’t questioning his actions?

Saying "he doesn't do that with me" implies your DH is doing something wrong, it's a passive aggressive criticism. You might have got a better response if you'd have said "please can you slow down I think DS is struggling to keep up"

Well, it's abusive to shout at a child for tripping. If you had to catch up, DH was probably pulling DS along too fast and making him trip. That's why DS doesn't trip when he's walking with you: you presumably don't walk in such a way that DS trips then blame DS for that by shouting at him.

Poor child.

DH is responding angrily because he knows he's being a nasty piece of work. Decent people do not shout at children for tripping over. They check they're ok and console them.

Sounds like DH has a thing for rushing off ahead. It's arrogant and annoying when people do that.

Surprised so many think OP is unreasonable when DH is being aggressive. Messing around or not, shouting at DS is not helpful in the situation. Children remember bad stuff like that. I remember being smacked and running off crying. This is late 90s - it's not just tough love, it's bad parenting. Think DH needs to chill out in general, especially in front of DS. If it happens a lot then maybe check with a doctor about tripping up in case any issues that can be solved.

Teach him what gaslighting is as this isn't it.

If someone lives with a shouting, abusive man like that, they often do end up feeling unable to speak assertively and say tentative or passive-aggressive things like, "he doesn't do that with me," because they're scared of the reaction.

“He doesn’t do that with me” is 100% you making out he did something wrong/blaming him. I’d be pissy with you too.

You’re saying that but actually lots of the responses here confirm he’s right. OP has said something clearly blaming him for the behaviour, lots of people here agree with that, and OP is denying that’s what she did.

I don’t disagree at all. The DH shouldn’t have shouted. If the OPs question was “I told DH to slow down” or “I told DH later on that he shouldn’t have shouted at DS, and DH got in a huff with me, AIBU?” Then the responses would be very different.

It’s the passive “he never trips with me” and then OP denying she was criticising him.

Some posters are missing the nuance of what OP is asking. She is asking about her DH claiming to feel gaslit.

No one is saying the DH behaved well by shouting at his son.

He sounds stroppy and I feel a parent holding a child's hand would usually be enough to stop them falling.

I can not understand these pro dh comments. He is oversensitive, quarrlesome, and ignores the needs of the group by going too fast. In addition when he feels anxiety or shame (internal states)?he lashes out at OP and blames her for causing these emotions. He is the problem. Not her.

It sounds like the DH was dragging his son about so he couldn't keep his balance. He should have asked himself why his son kept stumbling, rather than yelling at him.

Flip it the other way. If you were struggling as a mum with tricky behaviour from your child, and lost your temper and shouted. And your DH’s response was just to factually state “well he doesn’t do that with me”, how would you feel?

It’s a profoundly unhelpful comment. Parenting should be done as a team. If the other parent is not managing something well and loses their rag, then the normal thing is to step in and take over. Not to try and get a little jibe in to make them feel worse.

He was walking too fast. He sounds very angry also. Not much fun for you I bet.

The comments are because OP is specifically asking about this argument where she has blatantly said it was his fault and she is denying that is what she said. Even in this reply you’re agreeing that that’s what she said, so you’re also in agreement with him!

Yeah your comment doesn't come across well at all.

You're both at fault in both situations.

I was just stating a fact. I was sort of trying to work out why he was suddenly tripping so much, I was also a bit upset because my child was hurt

In hindsight maybe I should have posted this in relationships.....

But it was passive aggressive don’t you see that?

You were basically making out that you are the better parent whether that was your intention or not

It doesn’t matter where you post it, anywhere that you say you WEREN’T saying it was his fault, when you absolutely were, you’d get the same replies.

Yes but can you see how it came across to your DH? Or are you still thinking in both situations it's 100% on him? Assuming he is a decent father he would also be upset because your child was hurt, and what's worse because it was on him. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all - he needs to find a better way of dealing with feelings than shouting. I know how bad I feel when I accidentally hurt DS and if my DH came in and said well that doesn't happen with me I'd quite likely hit the roof.

I'd respond the same wherever you posted it.

I don't even know what topic it's currently in as I just click threads in most active.

Although your inability to reflect on your behaviour is making this situation clearer.

I just mean there's background information I haven't gone into here