To say no to step MIL

[empee47]

For the last two years, step MIL has booked theatre tickets for us and her to attend a Christmas show. For the last two years, my DH has squirmed when he mentioned it to me because his step mum had booked and paid for the tickets without checking we were free - she was taking a real gamble. We’ve accommodated her for the last two years even though it was massively inconvenient because we got home late, at 8pm, still had to rush around and sort dinner and then we were up early next day to travel a couple of hours for a sports competition for our DDs. Eldest DD12 no longer competes, but DD8 does, is very keen but needs her sleep. AIBU to say that no, this year, we’re not attending, as DD wants to focus on her competition and needs to be properly rested? DH thinks that if we’ve managed it for the last couple of years we can do it again this year. I say no, we’ve worked around her twice before to our detriment and I’m putting my foot down this year. Who even books and pays for tickets without checking that we’re free?

Why didn't you tell her not to do it again after the first year or certainly after the second?

I voted YABU purely because you clearly knew she would do this yet again but it's a tad late now to explain you don't want to join her, after she's shelled out on the tickets. Why on earth didn't either of you mention this earlier to her?

To answer your question and others who’ve asked pretty much the same thing - we thought it might work the first year, so said nothing, but it wasn’t great so said politely afterwards it was a nice treat but not convenient. When she did the same again the next year, we decided to go as daughters wanted to but again stressed to step MIL that the competition was the day after and it was a real rush. Never did we think she’d pull the same truck again. Perhaps we need to be much more direct - please don’t book as it’s not convenient. The kids don’t want to go either this year. She told my DH today and the show is in two weeks.

Hmm, I really think the only way she’ll get the message is for you not to go.

I'm sure someone else has said this (and it doesn't excuse the annoyance of not being asked re dates/availability) but if you have a 2 hour drive home, could you use that time for the kids to eat something maybe? Either some kind of prepacked car picnic of some sort, or quickly grab some bits on way home from supermarket or takeaway place (preorder pizza over the phone etc). I know you shouldn't have to but perhaps do it this year if she'd already bought and firmly say that you won't be attending again, please do not buy tickets and if she does, she will need to sell them on. I'd be very cross too!

Only if she does!

I don’t understand the logistics here - are the theatre and the competition on consecutive days for consecutive years in a row? That’s quite unusual.

I think just be clear with MIL that the competition is on X date every single year so best to avoid the date before for these trips.

Having said that, I don’t think it is a massive deal as you can prepare food in advance and reheat when you get home. Or take food with you and eat in the car. Or just change timings slightly and have dinner before the show - most theatres have a restaurant on site or nearby. Ultimately the real issue is your household doesn’t really want to go. If you did, you would easily find a way to make it happen

Given the update, that you explicitly said it doesn't work for you. Then you have to not go.

Or resign yourself to accepting that you will do this every year forever

I’m a bit confused by the Christmas show in January. And the fact that this show and the sports competition are apparently on the same weekend each year so none of this should be a surprise. She’s not springing a booking on you at a random time (your OP made it sound more like that) so you or DH could tell her in advance that this event doesn’t actually work for your family.

The hinting is very obviously not working. It likely comes off as normal “oh weekends with sports are so busy” chat, especially when paired with talk about how much of a treat the show is.

This year make it work for at least one parent and DD to go. Then DH needs to say the words directly… we won’t be able to come to this next year because it clashes with DD’s competition, so please don’t book us tickets. Invite her to come to the competition instead if that’s an option or suggest a different family outing on a different weekend.

It's not the invite to the event that's the problem, is the expecting you to be free. What if you had made other plans already too that day. You need to be more direct with her and say she cannot make plans without checking dates with you first.

Yes, relationships are complicated. It would be great if we all felt able to say whatever we thought when we thought it. I think it’s pretty clear, though in general that lots of people don’t feel able to, and that it’s not always well received when they do.

Many pantomimes and Christmas shows go on into early January.

8pm is pretty late if kids still need to be fed before going to bed when they need to get up early to drive to a sports competition.

In that case I think I would say, "MIL, we did ask you last year not to book this again without running it past us first. It's not that we don't want to spend time with you, but it's a busy time of year and we have prior commitments. DH will go with you but DDs and I can't make it this time. If you want to do this next year, please just consult us before booking and we'll find a time everyone can do."

If she's done it 2 years in a row, why didn't you preempt it this year and give her dates you were available?
You're being deliberately shitty.

With some people you have to spell it out. The best thing to do is to say oh I wish you'd have checked with us first. We are absolutely not available. I hope you can find someone else to go or get your money back. Best to check with us about dates in future. Sorry.

Every year you go you make the following year happen.

Not deliberately bad, no.

I agree. You get what I’m saying.

That’s a pleasant way to phrase it for her.

Exactly, but there’s always some smart arse poster who knows best.

Just get a McDonald's on the way home.

Indeed, life and communication isn’t always clear cut.

I think YABU to cancel now, you could have said something months ago plus 8pm isn't that late.
She's doing something nice for you, it would be rude to cancel now.

Not unreasonable to be annoyed she didn't ask you. But you are being unreasonable not to tell her more directly previously that you want to be consulted next time round. It also feels like you could find a solution to dinner - surely take some sandwiches you could eat in the car on the way back, pick up something quick after the show and then kids can doze a bit in the car on the way back etc. Don't go if you don't want to but it feels to me like a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

If she's done it for the last 2 years and you've never said it's a problem then you can't expect her to realise. You should have said something before.