To say no to step MIL

[empee47]

For the last two years, step MIL has booked theatre tickets for us and her to attend a Christmas show. For the last two years, my DH has squirmed when he mentioned it to me because his step mum had booked and paid for the tickets without checking we were free - she was taking a real gamble. We’ve accommodated her for the last two years even though it was massively inconvenient because we got home late, at 8pm, still had to rush around and sort dinner and then we were up early next day to travel a couple of hours for a sports competition for our DDs. Eldest DD12 no longer competes, but DD8 does, is very keen but needs her sleep. AIBU to say that no, this year, we’re not attending, as DD wants to focus on her competition and needs to be properly rested? DH thinks that if we’ve managed it for the last couple of years we can do it again this year. I say no, we’ve worked around her twice before to our detriment and I’m putting my foot down this year. Who even books and pays for tickets without checking that we’re free?

@empee47 Have you or your DH ever actually asked your step MIL not to book tickets for anything again without checking your availability?

Has she already booked tickets? How about one parent goes to the show with oldest child, and other parent stays at home with younger child who is competing.

I'd go this year and explain to mil that she needs to check dates woth you next year.

I'd take food that dc can eat in the car on the way home. Then dc can go straight to bed

I suspect this is more about your relationship with your step MIL than it is about the theatre show.

Really after hlast time you should have asked her to liaise with you about dates before booking.

Is 8pm late for an 8 year old? I'm sure mine were up later quite often. Eat in the car on the way home eat before or at the show, it will be fine.

Someone definitely should have mentioned this to her before now. She’s been allowed to think it is a lovely treat everyone enjoys rather than being communicated with clearly.

Also she is just your MIL, surely? Regardless of her status of step parent to your husband.

Our 8 year did two back to back drama shows last weekend. It overran and 2nd didn’t finish till 10.30pm! So it was midnight before they got them to bed having eaten picnic in the car on way home. Up at 6.30am for school the next day. Not ideal obviously but totally fine as a once off. 8pm home is fine! Can easily eat a picnic tea on the way home.
Op, you clearly don’t want to go, which would be fine if you’d said back in February. If you’ve accepted it for 2 years then you’ve massively contributed to this situation.

You are deliberately being silly here op.

The show finishes at 6pm.

Ever heard of packed food? Eating in the car?

Get home and straight to bed. It's only 8pm

I sometimes wonder how some people function when they can't work out how to adapt plans.

Perhaps his actual mum is MIL??

Didn't you say to her last year, please don't do this again without checking with us first? And warn her you would not go if inconvenient?

Why not grab a McDonald’s after the show or collect a take away on the way home, that would sort the tea issue?
Also I can’t believe you haven’t asked her to check your availability, if you have and she’s gone ahead and booked anyway then YNBU

Can you not get drive thru McDonald’s or similar as a one off to eat in the car on the way home? Or if you’re really against a night of fast food can you not eat a big, late lunch before the show and then pack up a picnic to eat in the car on the way home? Pop DD in her PJs for the car and she can nap on the way home?

Sorry but yabu, have dinner before you go, snack when you get home if hungry. 8pm is not late. If you don't want to do it next year inform her in Jan /feb not after she bought the tickets. Yes it's polite to ask but you have gone the last 2 years so too late to kick up a fuss

Does she book the same date each year or is it a coincidence that it is always the night before the competition? It kind of sounds like you could see this coming and did nothing to prevent it. Cancelling now would cause a lot of unnecessary hurt and drama.

Excuses excuses
It's one day
Go have fun

Also, she's 8!!! So what - dance, gymnastics? There are millions of competitions every weekend for these sports, and every single one seems to be the national championships. I did it with my two, it was farcical.

She should have checked but honestly, 8pm isn't late. Order a pizza or go via McDonald's.

Sandwich, glass of milk and bed then.

Why are you not answering those asking why you/your DH haven't insisted she checks with you first.

Or more sensibly, reminded her before she bought the tickets?

The two hour journey would bother me, especially without being checked. A four hour round trip doesn’t sound fun.

Go to the show and then get a McDonald’s in the car for the journey home. Life is too short for being so uptight about routines and timings especially at Christmas.

also, have you actually asking your children if they’d like to go. You could potentially be stopping them from doing something they actually really enjoy.

Because that doesn’t fit @empee47 narrative of a wildly unreasonable MIL. And even worse, a step! 🙄

Another vote for picnic in the car on the way home. I’ve done it loads of times. The kids find it fun. 8pm is not late to be getting home with kids that age, provided you plan for it. Has anyone actually told her it could be a problem and she needs to check dates with you first? I’d carry on this time, but have an actual conversation with her about it now ready for next year.

If it was me (but my son has been Churchillian in his lack of need for sleep since he was tiny, which is as much a problem in a different way...) I would be going to the show as a family as planned this year, and then at 6 o'clock after it, going to a local Wagamama's or something on the way home - then getting children to bed at 9 / 930 as soon as I got in… or in my sons case 10 / 1030

But I would also be saying to my mother-in-law at the time "Thank you so much for a wonderful evening, so lovely for you to treat us to this show, but gosh it's been a real palaver this year with the children's activities and I'm a bit worried it gets so late - if we're going to do it next year please can we have a chat about the date when I'm clear on what the children are doing so we can agree the date in advance of you booking the tickets? I think it would make things much easier."

And then bring it up again in October next year or just before you know she'll book it, so this doesn't happen again.

Having said this, I use this kind of strategy with my own mother time and again and she still does stuff without discussing at all, or refuses to compromise, so I do understand where you're coming from!!

I didn’t think you’re being unreasonable in theory op, and that’s how I voted on the surface of it.

But the more pertinent question, is why neither you nor your DH has had a conversation with her about this? You’ve had 3 years to put a stop to it, but instead you keep schtum each year, and then get annoyed when it rolls round again.

To be fair to her, she’s doing a lovely thing for you all, and would probably be mortified to hear how you really feel.

Talk to her, please, before she does it again next year. You now have another 12 months warning of it happening again